Tony Giro, The Examiner
2008-06-30 13:37:44.0
Current rank: Not ranked

During my recent trip to Chicago’s Wrigley Field to watch the Orioles face the Cubs, one player, Kosuke Fukudome, reminded me of the power of the name. While I’ll save a snippet about the outfielder’s name for fear of losing my job, I will get your week started with my “Top Nine Best Sports Names.”

My only requests are that you hide the women and children and tell me whom I forgot.

9. Milton Bradley, professional baseball player: His name isn’t naughty, but his behavior certainly is. Bradley’s favorite board games growing up were, “The Game of Life on Parole,” “Connect Four Letter Words” and “Trouble.” In the defense of the Texas Rangers’ outfielder, he’s gone postal only once this season and hasn’t torn an anterior cruciate ligament by arguing any calls at first base.

8. Rollie Fingers, former professional baseball player: Though I’ve never met the man whose mustache defies the “Law of Gravity,” I once met a performer at the Arbutus Carnival who could “roll his fingers,” which, when said with a Baltimore accent, sounds like “Rollie Fingers.” The sight of a 4-foot-2 man with fingers bending in ways they shouldn’t still haunts me — and so does Fingers’ flavor saver.

7. Dick Shiner, former Maryland Terrapin/professional football player: If your name sounds like an occupation, the last one you want it to be is this. In the off chance your last name is Shiner, and you’re deciding between naming your newborn Richard or “Shoe,” choosing “Shoe” might be a better way to show the kid you care. Shiner still is considered the most polished quarterback ever to play at Maryland.

6. Ron Tugnutt, former professional hockey goalie: Just the sound of his name makes me long for a deep-tissue massage. Ironically, “Tugger” was prone to groin injuries throughout his 17-year professional career, which drove the eight organizations he played for nuts. In a strange twist of fate, Tugnutt was traded for a goalie by the name of Tom Barrasso — or as fans of the Capitals used to chant “Barrass**le.”

5. Dick Burns, former professional baseball player: In 1884, he persevered through any discomfort to pitch a no-hitter for the Cincinnati Outlaw Reds against the Kansas City Cowboys. Right now, I am laughing uncontrollably and thinking about what I’ll do while standing in the unemployment line after writing a column with his name in it.

4. Dean Windass, English soccer player: The Hull City forward’s name suggests he is the director of dump — dump passes, that is — but the fiery Windass has been quite the goal scorer throughout his illustrious career. Windass has the tendency to blow by his defender, often leaving him in a cloud of dust and who knows what else. As legend has it, Windass once collected three red cards in a game: one for fouling, another for arguing and the third for threatening the referee by saying “Don’t make me use this thing,” while cocking one leg up.

3. Harry Colon, former NFL football player: It’s bad enough his name sounds like a medical condition of someone living in a Third World country. This former University of Missouri Tiger, Detroit Lion and Jacksonville Jaguar spent most of his career playing for teams whose mascots are covered in hair. (I keep chanting “Lions and Tigers and hair, oh my..) I blame the parents on this one, though. How much crap did this poor Colon have to endure as a child?

2. Dick Trickle, former race car driver: If the sound of his name isn’t enough to make you laugh until you cry, here’s a Trickle fact that will make you pee your pants — no pun intended: The winner of more than 1,300 races was shown on national television smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer while behind the wheel at a Winston 500.

1. Rusty Kuntz, former professional baseball player: Kuntz, who is the poster child for unfortunate names, drove in the game-winning run for the Detroit Tigers in Game 5 of the 1985 World Series. One of my old baseball buddies used to collect his cards as a hobby, but I think it’s time we quit poking fun at Kuntz.

Tony Giro is a lifelong Baltimore sports fan who blogs on examiner.com for fans. If you subscribe — it’s free — you’ll be e-mailed each time Tony posts a column. He can be reached at timeout@baltimoreexaminer.com. And yes, he’s still bitter about the Skipjacks and Bullets leaving town.