Tony Giro, The Examiner
2008-04-04 08:00:00.0
Current rank: Not ranked

BALTIMORE -

If you have a weak stomach, you might want to look away because what I’m about to show you is hideous.

No, it’s not a picture of my arteries, but rather Daniel Cabrera’s line from his start against Tampa Bay on Wednesday: four innings, six hits, six earned runs, five walks, two strikeouts, two home runs allowed and one confirmed case of hypothermia for the fan who actually stuck around to watch his debacle that lasted 95 pitches.

In a way, Cabrera’s first start was the Cliff’s Notes version of his career. In such a brief outing, he displayed all of the shortcomings that he’s been unable to overcome during his four-year Major League career. If he were a musical, his working title would be, “Damn! Yank me.”

I’m not quite sure why the 26-year-old, flame-throwing right-hander with talent longer than his legs continues to nibble around the plate instead of trusting his stuff.

But I know this: Every time he takes the bump, I’m reminded of the scene from “Major League” when manager Lou Brown tells pitching coach, Pepper Leach, “You better teach this kid [Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn] some control before he kills somebody.”

Unfortunately for Cabrera, a new pair of glasses or sleeping with Corbin Bernsen’s movie wife isn’t going to fix what ails Cabrera like it did Vaughn.

In fact, I’m starting to think Cabrera is just never going to get “it.”

Of course, once every five or six starts he’ll tease us with a “lights out” performance which makes you think he’s finally turning the corner. But sadly, the kid still has more vices than Miami.

» Throwing strikes/working ahead in the count: Cabrera continues to be a one-pitch pitcher which is to say all he throws are balls. Would it hurt to mix in a strike every inning or two just to keep the hitters off balance? It doesn’t matter how hard he throws. If hitters can sit on his fastball because it’s the only pitch he can throw over the plate, he will continue to get hit harder than an unsuspecting Aruban judge that approaches Sidney Ponson.

» Holding base runners: I’ve seen better moves to first base at a middle school dance. Whenever he is on the mound you can bet the opposing team will steal more bases than Amelia Bedelia.

» Fielding his position: Granted, when you’re as tall as Cabrera, it’s hard to see the ground let alone bend down to pick something up. But the 6-foot-9 mental midget is so bad at fielding, he makes Manny Alexander look like Brooks Robinson.

» Repeating his delivery: His mechanics are more suspect than Jiffy Lube’s. Muscle memory is the key here and I haven’t seen a case of misremembering this bad since Roger Clemens took the stand in front of Congress.

» Pitching through adversity: Having a proctologist sit in the dugout when Cabrera takes the mound might not be a bad move by the Orioles. This way, someone can help him get his head out of his butt when things don’t go as planned.

It is hard to give up on a kid who is a hard worker and wants to succeed. But upon closer inspection, I don’t know if his intensity and desire is good or bad when you consider the circumstances surrounding Cabrera’s career in Charm City.

If he has yet to hone his skills after working with pitching coaches Mark Wiley, Leo Mazzone and now Rick Kranitz, a red flag should be alerting the front office that “it” just isn’t going to happen with Cabrera­ — at least not as a member of the Orioles.

And Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer summarized the situation perfectly during Wednesday’s broadcast when he said: “It will always be a roller coaster with Cabrera.”

Maybe it is time the Orioles finally get off this ride.

Tony Giro is a lifelong Baltimore sports fan who blogs on examiner.com for fans. If you subscribe — it’s free — you’ll be e-mailed each time Tony posts a column. He can be reached at timeout@baltimoreexaminer.com.