Dan Gainor
2008-04-03 07:00:00.0
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BALTIMORE -

“You are what you eat” is one of those pop culture slogans geared to get us all to treat our bodies like temples of something other than fast food.

Like so many things here in the No Longer Free State, the slogan needs updating. “You are what you won’t let others eat” should be our new motto. Maybe state legislators will kick to the curb “Fatti Maschii, Parole Femine,” or “Manly Deeds, Womanly Words.” Or maybe we could change that to “Cowardly Deeds, Political Words.”

I don’t know what the new phrase would be in Latin. I escaped Catholic school without taking a dead language other than English, which no one seems to speak anymore. I think the best I could do would be pig Latin, and some animal activist would probably claim that was discriminatory to pigs or politicians, as if there is any difference.

If we choose “You are what you won’t let others eat,” that makes many of our local and state politicos fatheads. Or just honestly assesses them as such. They think they can manage our diets and control obesity by banning the dreaded trans fats from our lives or at least Baltimore restaurants.

I roamed through Harborplace eateries recently, and no one I spoke with had any idea about the new law or what impact it would have on businesses. That’s how democracy works in a city without any. They pass a law. You obey.

For befuddled restaurant owners, this is one more nail in the coffin of doing business in the loony, left-wing enclave that is Baltimore. Bad taxes, too many drugs, too many murders and a public school system only a Third World nation could love aren’t enough.

Once this law takes effect, you won’t be able to get something as simple as potato chips with your meal — unless they are still in the package. A thrifty small-business man (pretty much all of them) won’t be able to buy a large bag of chips and divide it up.

Chips are naughty. Nuts to Utz. Wise is now ... un-Wise. The Solomonic solons of Baltimore so decree.

They aren’t alone. This kind of control infects Montgomery County, as well. So Baltimore isn’t just pathetic, it’s derivative like “Rocky XL.” First Montgomery and Baltimore, next we’ll get it statewide. Just watch.

In Annapolis, if it’s not trans fats, it’s the foie gras controversy. It’s a fowl debate over whether to legislate against duck/goose liver in restaurants. Though that appears unlikely to pass this session, I am sure the animal nutsos will cook up some more opposition next year.

Funny, I always thought most of our politicians were chicken-livered or even lily-livered. I know what you are thinking: Why are they wasting their time on something so stupid? Apparently, “You are what you legislate” as well. In this case, dangerous and foolish.