How do you fight in your important relationships? Photo-parenthood.com
Day 12
Boxing Ring: Resolving conflicts by fighting fair
“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” Elie Wiesel
This chapter in many ways makes the simple complicated. It takes fight or flight into five different boxing metaphors. For those pugilists among you, just read the chapter. For the greater majority, let’s look at how we resolve our differences, that is, if we are actually resolving them at all.
Let’s look mostly at marriages and family relationships. I will leave the extrapolating to business and other partnerships for another time and place.
When we were dating, we went to extra lengths to please the other person. After some time in marriage (a month to a decade), somehow we seem to be vested in being right. This is not always the case, but happens often enough that we should ask ourselves the question: When I argue with my spouse, parents, siblings, or children; do I seek resolution or justification?
Put another way, do I seek what is best for both or all parties or just to be right?
Ouch!
Can we just skip to the next chapter? I like being right. If people—to include those close to me—would just come around to my way of thinking, everything would be resolved!
The best fighting style for relationships is the one that will go the distance for the relationship. We all have our tendencies, but when we fight, we must fight for both or all of the stakeholders.
I venture from what is offered in this chapter to Stephen Covey’s Habit 4 of his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. That habit is to think win-win. Notice the verb—think. Mentally we must resolve that no unilateral victory is any victory at all. Covey tells us that both courage and compassion are required to get to win-win. Too much of one or the other gets us to win-lose, lose-win, or lose-lose.
Both parties must resolve first to think win-win and not settle for anything less. I wonder if doing unto others as you would have them do unto you is ringing any bells right now. Oops! I said that I would steer clear of boxing today.
Here’s today’s make it count moment revised somewhat for those who are not boxers.
1.Describe your fighting style.
2.How did your parents handle conflict?
3.Did their style or anyone else influence how you deal with conflict?
4.If you hand only a month to live, what would you change about how you deal with conflict?
5.Why?
Have you considered making and committing to rules for fighting fair. It is a viable question and one that has been introduced into pre-marital counseling more and more over the past few decades. Do you have win-win rules for fighting fair?
OK, I will venture into the boxing ring for this one.
1.Do you usually fight fair?
2.When you do hit below the belt, what is it that you do?
3.How do others respond to this tactic?
4.Has it truly been worth it?
5.Do you want to change this?
Here are the make it last for life challenges for day 12.
1.Describe the last major conflict that you had with someone. Now view the fight as a spectator or commentator and analyze the fight. Was it a fair fight? What were the fighting styles? Who won? Was it a clear win or a split decision?
2.Which of your present relationships involves conflict that would require you to step into the right if you knew that you only had a month to live?
3.Pray. Ask God to show you how and when you look to other people to meet needs that only God can meet. Ask Him to provide what you need most from Him.
If you can handle a little language--authentic, not gratuitous--then The Story of Us is a good way to look at fighting fair and unfair from the safety of a third person perspective.
What do you call a guy with degrees in Political Science and Biblical Studies? What do you call someone that served as a Marine Officer for over 20 years and now pastors a church? What do you call someone with this unique perspective of the kingdom of the world and the kingdom of God? Most folks just call me Tom.
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