Palin-Palooza! Fresh teabagging fun for all ages (not colors)

AP

Woooohooo!

Pack your bags (tea and otherwise), throw on your colonial best, polish your semi-automatics to a glistening shine, grab the neighbors, and head down to Nashville, Tennessee, folks. It's Tea Time, baby!

And this time, the revolution will be televised. But, hopefully not by the evil, terrible, Obama-loving elitist MSM.

"The mainstream media is the enemy," declared Bob Bunting, a retiree from Hilton Head Island, S.C., attending the convention with his wife, Nancy. "You are for socialism and Barack Obama."

Ah yes, all across the country, Bob Bunting and 1,100 of America's truest patriots, will gather at the Gaylord resort (ironic??) in the famed Music City for a li'l limited-government, low-tax, liberal loathin', gun-totin' fun. Teabag style!

There, the faithful fringe among us will have the distinct privilege of hearing her highness, Sarah Palin, deliver the much-anticipated keynote address, (and maybe, just maybe the opening salvo for her 2012 presidential bid), all for the bargain basement rate of $100,000. Just think about how many teabags that would get you!

"She is the one," said Loren Nelson of Seattle. "And she's gonna do it."

Or is she? The former Alaskan governor and current Empress of Facebook has remained mum on the subject, refusing to say for sure whether she'll be making a White House bid of her own (without Gramps screwing everything up) come 2012. She's so rogue like that.

Everyone knows with talent like hers, it would be "absurd" to not consider a run for president, and a chance to unseat that chocolate-hued menace with his big words and weird Muslim-y name. "I would (run) if I believe that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family," she said.

In other words, as long as none of her other unwed teenage daughters have a beautiful, surprise miracle of God for Grandmama! So wrap it up Willow and Piper. One Bristol per family is more than enough for this Alaskan Mama Bear, thank you very much.

"The soul of the Tea Party is the people who belong to it," Palin said. "They have the courage to stand up and speak out...They believe in the same principles that guided my work in public service."

Do they ever! Principles like quitting during your first term as governor and never allowing this precious country to be overtaken by a socialist black man (from Kenya!) who hates white people and doesn't even believe in starting wars for no reason!

A man so dangerous, he wants to provide health care to all Americans, not just rich, white ones who also happen to be pharmaceutical lobbyists. Not even Hitler would've done something this horrifying.

And you can bet your bottom dollar, Hitler never had a chief of staff who ever used the words "f**king retarded." Of course, that's probably because they were already rounded up and sent to the gas chambers, but hey the devil's in the details, right?

Of course, Obama could always change the political dynamic and boost his reelection odds if he took Sarah's sage advice and "played the war card," by declaring war on Iran or bolstering Israel. That Sarah, she's not afraid of nothin'! Russians, Iranians, Iraqis (like there's a difference), bring 'em on! Anything to boost those election chances and save some Israelis in the process (not the Jew ones, silly, just the true Christians).

Distrust of the mainstream media (or MSM as its known to the tea crowd), is one of the main tenets uniting the philosophically diverse, but overwhelmingly white teabagging crowd, who almost universally believe the arugula eating national media have purposefully sullied their good name, portraying them as lunatics, whackjobs, racists, idiots, rednecks, and ignorant white trash--that is when not ignoring them completely.

But Chuck Smith, a 66-year-old retiree from Knoxville who attended the conference, acknowledged that the occasionally extremist rhetoric, combined with the mostly white composition of many tea party crowds make it "easy to paint us as racist or extremist, and I can’t fault the mainstream media for that, but that misses the point."

Smith said reporters "don't understand what’s happening. We're not exclusionary. We're everyday, hard-working Americans fighting back against big government.”

Who just happen to show their love of this country by waving confederate flags, Obama as Hitler signs, and demanding that ObamaCare be buried along with Teddy Kennedy's ol' shriveled bones.

In her 40-minute speech followed by a 15-minute Q&A session pre-selected by organizers (can't afford any Katie Couric like responses, now can we?), tea party hero and Alaskan snow goddess Sarah Palin hit all the right notes, sure to please even the most discriminating teabagger.

Bashing the Obama administration for "treating terrorists like criminals" (instead of rabid dogs?) and for not taking a tougher stance on the war on terror, Sarah had some choice words for the current, smarty-pants president.

"To win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor," Palin said, receiving one of her many standing ovations. Smart is sooooo out this year.

Accusing the Democrats of going on a wild, out-of-control spending spree, Sarah said, "they're sticking our kids with the bill and that's amoral–that's generational theft."

She even threw in some nice, old fashioned mocking for good measure--a sure-fire way to rev up the crowd.

"How's that hopey, changey stuff working out for you?" she asked, to wild teabagging applause, before driving this baby home with some solid Jesus talk and magic words like "drill, baby drill," and all the other stuff conservatives go nuts for.

Political leaders should "start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren’t afraid to go that route, and also afraid of the political correctness that, you know, they have to be afraid about what the media would say about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator."

What, that they're crazy like a fox? An Alaskan, snow fox?

But, heavens forbid they utter those two most terrible words in the English language: "fucking retard." Asked by Fox News Host (and supposed ally) Chris Wallace why she demanded that White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel resign for calling liberal activists "f**king retards," yet declined to ask right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh to apologize for using the same terrible, derisive term on his radio show.

"I didn't hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people who he did not agree with 'f*cking retards' and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, it's been reported, did say that. There's a big difference there," said Palin, the de-facto leader of special needs children everywhere.

So true, Sarah! Rush must've been talking about a group he loves dearly and holds close to his (large, overworked) heart when he said,"Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards...I mean these people, these liberal activists, are kooks."

"Should Rush Limbaugh apologize?" Wallace asked.

Ha ha don't be silly, Chris!

"They are kooks so I agree with Rush Limbaugh."

Duh! It's only okay to use the word retarded when referring to dirty, tree-hugging hippies, pussy, kumbaya-chanting pacifists, flamboyant, God-forsaken gay and lesbian rights activists and assorted other special needs persons of the left.

Isn't she just charming? Sure must feel good to be on the right side of God, History, Everything.

Bless her sweet, rogue, occasionally special needs heart.

She's so maverick, even she doesn't know what "f**king retarded" thing she'll say next.