Robin Haight, PhD, is a psychologist with a successful practice in Northern Virginia. She specializes in family issues, and in this interview, Haight offers advice to parents of teens on ways to maintain a balanced lifestyle.
RS: What is the number one complaint you hear from parents handling the summer months?
RH: The number one complaint about the situation is about how hard it is to choose. Where should they devote the most time? Many moms feel a ton of guilt if they aren’t able to do it all, whatever that means to them. Whether it's to go to every sporting event or to drive their teen to every party. They want to participate in their kid's lives in the ways they should participate. There's a lot of guilt for mom's, especially over making herself a priority. This is regardless of whether she works at home or out of the house.
RS: What expectations do fathers have in contributing to the family lifestyle?
RH: A ton of guilt gets spread around-- typically moms question how good a wife she is and how good a mom she is. She's always gauging herself. Do I cook enough? Am I serving too much takeout? Do they eat too much McDonalds? Dads experience that as well-- most dads want to be part of the kids activities but don’t feel that they can. But I hear mostly about guilt from moms. Women feel guilty in role as a mother and as a wife.
RS: How do you know when your overscheduled life is having a negative impact on your teen?
RH: I do think parents have a hard time seeing the impact on their teens, because it can be subtle. Kids in the DC Area often live a fast paced life. Some teens are up for that and some aren't. Some thrive being busy. While our kids are being pulled into fast-paced living and expectations for great achievement, few families take the time to say: "Is this really how I want my life to look?"
RS: So you recommend parents stop and have a conversation with teens about the pace of their lifestyle and what they feel works best for them?
RH: Today teens are expected to aspire at such a young age, to be advanced in school, or to make the travel sports teams. There are lots of opportunities for achievement in the DC Area. Since their neighbors are doing it, there is a pull to do the same thing. That’s the way the stream is running-- you feel you need to follow. The impact on kids is that they are busy. In fact, I don’t know any parent whose child doesn’t do anything. They're very busy from a young age.
RS: Why is this a problem? My kids love being busy.
RH: Kids tend not to have a lot of free time or play time. Structured time is important but so is unstructured time. There needs to be a balance in the equation. Too many activties can impact their creative life. They need time to get into their own head--to figure out who they are as young adults. To explore in an unstructured way.
RS: What about screen time? Should we be fighting this with our teens?
RH: Screen time is not unstructured. Teens are responding to stimuli that is not free or inventive or creative. You need to find a way to touch base. Host a family movie night, find some kind of activity that insures that your family comes together on a pretty regular basis to keep in touch.
RS: This is great advice. Any final thoughts?
RH: Another point, I want to make is it’s really important to have realistic expectations. No family is perfect. It’s okay if you don’t do everything or make it to every game or participate in every organization. There’s a lot of pressure to be above average in the DC Area. Sometimes average is just fine. Sometimes slacking is just fine. Set up realistic expectations. Human beings need to be kind and compassionate toward one another and have a sense of humor about it.
To read more about Robin Haight, check out the July issue of Northern Virginia Magazine under NV Tribe or visit her web site.
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