Uh-oh, the holiday dinner - family and friends reunited around one table with small children.  The classic solution for children and adults happily co-existing at holiday tables is the kids' table.  And I highly recommend it.  If, however, the children are sitting at the adult table this year, teaching good manners will help prepare your child to be socially savvy this holiday season.

The Easy Things

• Saturate your children in politeness days before the family gathering. Children love using manners because they love the art of the game. "Please" and "thank you" are power words, paying them off with gloating smiles. Children learn "please" and "thank you" and "please pass the butter" through immersion and repetition.
• Be attentive to pro-social behavior. Explicitly teach children how to act around other people. For example: make eye contact when listening, use quiet voices inside, say "excuse me" if you want attention, and it's okay to say "no, thank you". These are all easy behaviors to teach but remember these are skills that are learned through gentle guidance not automatically.
• Clarify your expectations. Family gatherings and holiday events also provide opportunities for children to do things differently than the typical day-to-day. Children may not understand that some older people need assistance. Let them know their great grandmother would love it if they would hold her hand and walk with her to the dining room. Kindness is learned by remembering another person's point of view.
• Be explicit. New situations come with new rules. You may need to say, "I don't want you to chase the dog through the house while the guests are here". Or, "today, I want you to wait to start eating until I give you our secret signal". And pppplease, no burping contests at the table!"

Kids Do and Say the Darnedest Things

• Keep your sense of humor no matter what. Children's innocence often leads them to say things we wish they wouldn't. Things about grandpa's stomach or Aunt Susan's breath. Monitor your own stress levels. You want to be quick on your feet and nimble of mind, not bogged down with the minutia of entertaining.
• Modify your expectations. Children live in the moment. They spread joy easily unless something throws them off. Meltdowns flare up quickly when routines are changed and they are hungry, tired, and just generally out of sorts. Forget about making a picture-perfect Hallmark moment and help your child. Take a few minutes alone together in her room or play outside for awhile before dessert. This is the time for adults to revise their expectations in line with children's reality.

The Hard Things

• Be respectful of differences and agree to disagree. Differences in temperament and in beliefs are a little harder to negotiate. Children may need an advocate for their individual needs. Parenting choices may be challenged. Discipline debates escalate. Be ready to put into words that everyone is loved and accepted exactly as they are.
• Know in advance what pushes everyone's buttons and have a plan. For example, if there's someone who nitpicks on your child's eating behavior; seat them far away from your child. From menu choices to scheduling, look for those win-win solutions.
• Rehearse with your children how to respond to provocations. Coach your child to say "my mom told me I didn't need to eat the green bean casserole" instead of 'I hate it when you come to dinner here and wish you'd never come back". Give your child time, before and after, to unload his emotions. Children need your mature perspective on stressful conflicts.
   

The purpose of manners is to create a wonderful space for everyone to enjoy. Poise is always tested under pressure. Prepare for the worst. You'll be teaching your children to give their best, no matter what.

Happy Thanksgiving & Happy Holidays!

Read other examiners on Thanksgiving manners: Holidays 411: How to Improve Your Toddlers Table Manners, Thanksgiving Dinner for Your Picky Eater, Three Dining Questions & Answers All Kids Should Know, and Thanksgiving Conversation Starters for Kids.