Rejection is a difficult concept for children to grasp. To be rejected is an assault to their own sense of self-worth. Children thrive on approval, acceptance and love. No child, or adult, ever wants to feel unliked or unloved.
As parents, we need to continuously remind ourselves of the value of communicating to our children their own special values. It is important that they understand how important and valuable they are to God, their family, to society and to our world. They need to know that they have something very special and unique to contribute on this earth.
Take a few minutes and think about the conversations you've had with your child today. Now, add up the times the conversations were centered around instruction. How many around correction? Discouragement? Okay, now add up the times you focused on encouragement, approval and acceptance. The ratio might really surprise you.
It is important that parents consciously use positive and encouraging phrases, as often as possible, when communicating with their children. There can be amazing results in the positive effect of such encouragement on your children's actions and dispositions. Parents should continually seek out opportunities to encourage their children. Use such phrases as : "good for you", "I'm impressed", "wonderful job!", "your smile lights up the room", "I knew you could do it!", "I thank God for you each day", "I'm so proud of you", "I love you". Give appropriate praise. Be specific about what your child did to deserve the positive feedback.Create your own special expressions and use them often. Imagine the years ahead and the effect such encouraging words can have on your child, your relationship with your child, your child's relationships with other people and your child's feelings on his/her own self-worth.
In this day and age, the world can be a very mean and intimidating place that will assault your child with criticism and rejection every chance that it gets. The memory of your approval and encouragement might be just what your child needs during the critical moments to stand tall and proud.
Sources: Parents Magazine, 12/08 "Let Your Child Soar" and BSF Int'l, "Thumbs Up! Expressing Approval" - 12/94
Comments
Thank you for this great article. That is a great suggestion to review one parenting day and add up the ratio of negative to positive interactions.
I write about these issues in my work as a psychologist, one thought that I would add is that negative comments often come when we disagree or disapprove of our children's actions-- it doesn't have to be that way. We can get our message across by approaching our kids with questions "Can you tell me what you had in mind with that? or "What did you think would happen if you did that?" rather than giving judgments-- "how could you do that, that was awful," When we ask kids questions we are showing them approval by saying they count. Often kids are able to come up with answers that reflect that they really understand what they did wrong-- then they don't need us to correct them, they've done the job for themselves.
I talk about this issue in my book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness. If you're interested in taking a look, please go to www.freeingyourchild.com.
Tamar Chansky
Got something to say?
Examiner.com is looking for writers, photographers, and videographers to join the fastest growing group of local insiders. If you are interested in growing your online rep apply to be an Examiner today!