The birthday party dilemma

My daughter likes the mini cakes, for starters

There are few things more popular with the under-ten crowd than birthday parties. There are the invitations, the “what-to-wears” and “what-present-to-picks” and the anticipation of the birthday cake. For adults, however, they tend to be somewhat constipated events.

First, there’s the location; where will we have it? Brave parents do it at home, but everyone who’s ever tried that knows that’s a stupid idea. You don’t want to be embarrassed about the state of your house, so you’ll spend three whole days cleaning. Then, five minutes after the guests arrive, your house is a disgusting mess, there’s cake rubbed in the carpet, punch spilled on your curtains, someone throws up on your prized Persian rug, and…is that a sandwich in your DVD player?

After learning our lesson, many parents cave and book a room at the local pizza place, swimming pool, or community center. There are many options, but the one thing they all have in common is that the food sucks and they’ll squeeze your wallet until it’s as dry as the Sahara desert. I once accompanied my daughter to a party that a friend had arranged for her daughter. She had hired a party-planner whose job it was to make sure everything went smoothly. The woman ran around like we were in boot camp and she was the drill sergeant, telling the kids that “now it’s time for presents!” and “now it’s time for cake!” By the end, most of the children were exhausted, and not in a good way. Remember that afterglow that everybody enjoys so much, when the kids are tired after too much fun and you know they’ll sleep at night? It was nowhere to be found. Instead, thanks to Miss Neurotic, everybody was acting as if they’d downed a whole bag of sugar and chased it with a large espresso. I can’t help but think this particular party planner got ready for her workday by playing a few rounds of whack-a-mole.

Having the party outside is always a good option. You have to make sure there’s a toilet nearby, but many public parks lend themselves very well to birthday fun. You won’t have to worry about cleaning up too much; as long as you pick up your trash, that big chunk of cake that fell facedown in the grass can just stay there. The weather might be bad, but since that’s out of your control, you don’t have to worry about that.

Birthday parties are highly political occasions; who gets invited, and who gets left out in the cold? I remember how the battle lines were drawn at my own grade school; there were parties I was never invited to, and there were sure bets. At my daughter’s school, they have the rule that party invitations are either given to all the children in the classroom, or none at all. Since there are only nine children in my daughter’s class, I don’t have a problem with that. It certainly helps to know that, when all is said and done, we don’t have to worry about hurt feelings and bruised egos. Just imagine the guilt.

Recently, I saw a segment on Television about what girls are expecting these days. A few overly ambitious women had started a “Princess Birthday Event’, where girls ranging in age from six to ten were given a fashion make-over at a salon, complete with glamorous dresses and make-up. Then they were moved to a dining room where they had a Princess tea party, after which they held a fashion show. I am glad my daughter was out of the room; the onslaught of pink and glitz was so overwhelming, it made me squint. Why do parents think kids need to be entertained to the point of no return? For my daughter’s next party, I plan to just let the kids run around on the grass behind our house for two hours, after which they can down some juice, eat their cake, and go home tired and happy. Simple, straightforward, and it requires zero sequins and almost no planning.

“Sounds great,” my daughter says when I share my plans with her. “We can hang lanterns in the trees, have wings and dresses and face paint, it’ll be like a fairy tale!” She enthusiastically runs off to tell her dad. Lanterns, face paint? Wait, that doesn’t sound like ‘zero planning’ at all. Oh right, I forgot; I’m a hypocrite and don’t ever follow my own advice.