National Adoption Month -- November -- is only weeks away. How better to spend it than by learning from others who have experienced adoption, perhaps from a position other than your own in the adoption triad?
Following is an experiment, one that will be replicated if successful here. It's a little radical. As you've probably realized from the title of this post, it involves the controversial book, The Primal Wound, written by adoptive mother Nancy Verrier about the experience of being adopted.
What is this experiment? It's a cross-triad Book Tour.
If adoption is truly all about the children, we may do well to contemplate the viewpoint of the adopted -- and sometimes infantilized -- person. It is my hope and request that everyone who signs up for this Book Tour come with equal parts openness to understand other viewpoints and eagerness to share one's own.
How will the Book Tour work?
- Sign up [update: tour is now filled] for the tour by November 30. Sooner is better -- why not now? EVERYONE wanting to explore the mosaic that is adoption is invited to join.
- Get the book. Buy it or get it from the library. Soon. Read it.
- Come up with up 1 or 2 discussion questions (not Yes-or-No), which are due to me by November 30.
- By December 5, you'll receive a list of questions from other participants. From this list you will choose any 3 to answer on your own blog or space (one option is simply to comment on this Examiner page the day of the tour). You do not have to have a blog to participate.
- Have your answers to your chosen questions posted by December 12.
- On the tour day, links to participants' answers will be on the Examiner page. You can then read and comment on the answers from other people who have read and are discussing The Primal Wound. The tour is designed so that each person reads and comments respectfully on the thoughts of other participants.
To participate: please complete this form [update: tour is now filled]. If you have any questions at all, please contact me at bestlightlori at the gmail place.
The purpose here is to shed light rather than to make heat. A panel of three people living in various corners of adoption will help set and maintain a respectful tone for this tour. They are:
- FauxClaud from Musings of the Lame. Claudia is a firstmom who has reunited with her birthson after 18 years apart -- truly an amazing story.
- Andy from Today's the Day (they give babies away) is both an adoptee in reunion and an adoptive mom.
- Luna at Life From Here has embraced open adoption with open eyes and an open heart.
These ladies are all well-spoken and thought-provoking, and if you don't already know them, I encourage you to visit them.
I hope to be discussing this book with you soon. So please sign up [update: tour is now filled].
And spread the word!
Comments
Great way to increase reader participation, Lori! I'm a little divided about whether I really want to read this book though, after seeing the reviews on Amazon. My husband is adopted and is a very balanced person and tends not to agree with this concept. I think that it might be an interesting book, if not taken as necessarily a representation of every adoptee's feelings and experiences or not even the majority, but just the author's as ONE perspective.
Good point, Cathy. It's a dance between dwelling on adoption and denying it. I figure the better I familiarize myself with the whole spectrum of experiences, the better equipped I will be to recognize what my children may be going through.
I hope you'll join us to find many perspectives!
Some adoptees I know really do not like this book. But then again, more adoptees I know really do.
I fall into the group that likes it, and I consider myself a very balanced person. I balance a full time job, being a mother, owning a home and volunteering. All of the adoptees I know fall into the same category of balancing very busy lives.
So I'm not sure exactly where that word comes in. To say a balanced person doesn't agree with it implies.... ? Why not just say that your husband is adopted and doesn't agree?
My cousin is adopted. I'm forwarding this to her. I wonder what her take on this would be.
Oh boy...I don't know if I'm ready for this one but I'll give it a try!
Cathy -- the book won't make your balanced husband any less balanced. It's worth reading, even if you don't agree with every word of it. It certainly isn't a 'sunshine & lollipops' look at adoption. It's raw and it's emotional. It seems to me that maybe you could read the book and decide on your own.
Well, let's put it this way, Cathy. After my daughter was born they did the usual whisk her off to the nursery for her assessment kind of thing. I meanwhile was sent to my room. A little while later I heard crying coming down the hall and immediately recognized it as hers even though I'd only heard her make one protest sound and a few other noises in the delivery room. She came in crying and I said something to her, even before the nurse got her to me and immediately upon hearing my voice, she quieted. This after very little postpartum contact, mostly involving her seeing me through blurry eyes, as they'd already applied the usual ointment to them.
I'm sure your husband thinks what he went through was perfectly fine and he's happy with it. That doesn't mean he turned out exactly as happy and "balanced" as he would have been had his contact with his mother not been cut tragically short. If you think this doesn't affect even the happy adoptees, you couldn't be more wrong.
I read this book more than once.I am 36,reunited with my maternal side of my biological family tree.I don't mean to sound so stern in my wording but I also don't want to go into my relationship,life at this time.I do however need to voice my opinion about this book that is being scrutinized in regards to,for adoptees.I WISH MY OWN ADOPTIVE PARENTS WERE GIVEN THIS BOOK as advice to helping WHAT IS BEST FOR THE ADOPTED CHILD THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN along with Sherrie Elderidge's book TWENTY THINGS ADOPTED KIDS WISH THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS KNEW.I do believe it would have benifited us as a FAMILY in the long run and could have been my words I couldn't voice growing up for fear of being seen as an ungrateful adopted child.As a mother to my own biological children I WOULD NEVER ASK OR MAKE MY CHILDREN HAVE TO FEEL THEY WERE EVER TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ME GIVING THEM LIFE.THAT WAS A DECISION MY HUSBAND AND I CHOSE,WE ARE THE GRATEFUL ONES!These books should be read before,during or after ADOPTION.
Mae, you express what this Book Tour is about. I envision a discussion with equal parts giving and receiving so that everyone who participates can listen -- really listen -- to other viewpoints.
To all: My experience is that when people start talking AT others, venting or accusing, then listening and understanding are less likely to occur.
Obviously, adoption is a charged issue. But still we can aim for light rather than heat.
Hello Everyone,
I am a future adoptive parent and a graduate student doing a thesis on the adoption triad. My project will be a visual, interactive experience that will express the complex nature of adoption and ALL of the experiences that can happen in adoption. I am interviewing all members of the triad and all generations with the hopes that I can get the most well rounded viewpoint possible. I am looking for anyone who is interested in being interviewed about their experience. In particular I would love to hear from birth parents/first families. Let me know if any of you are interested, I would be very grateful.. I am hoping that what come out of this is a experience that could be used in agencies around the country as an introduction to the process. A way for all involved to hear honestly from ALL parties. This will hopefully help everyone make more informed decisions for themselves and their children. Thanks
Emily. PS I will be partaking in the book tour!
I love this book. It really shared with me all of the details that the adoption agency and lawyers failed to tell me. My child was taken from me, despite that I stated I wanted to keep her. The facts in this book applies mainly to adoptees, but also applies to the general disrespect of infants. Infants need to stay with their moms, not moved to an incubator. They say that you should allow a kitten or puppy to stay with its mom for at least six weeks, but we remove babies from their mothers as soon as their out of the womb. Just goes to show how little society cares about babies.
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