Online Dating: Chemistry or Emotions?

  Emotion or Chemistry?

One of the claims of online dating is that they will hook you up with someone whose chemistry is compatible with your own. But what exactly do they mean by chemistry and is it the same as infatuation? The concept of chemistry conjures up powerful feelings and images of a mysterious attraction, especially for anyone who has ever been in love.

eHarmony believes that it can be defined if enough of the right questions are asked and used to compare against those of others. Human rationale and pragmatism may be factors in picking a partner, but there appears to be something beyond logic that attracts us to certain people.

Our Chemical Connection

The heart has been called the center of love since the beginning of time, but scientists tell us that it's actually found in the brain, fueled by chemicals. Chemistry is based on formulas - a delicate balance of elements that produce the desired results. In fact, the fluttery stomach, nervous jitters and pounding heart are literally chemistry - the right combination of physical elements produce the sweaty palms, anxious anticipation, racing heart, etc.

Phenyl-ethylamine is one of the chemicals released that intensifies our feelings of attraction, what some of us call 'feeling a spark'. Dopamine is released that brings on feelings of physical desire and closeness. In turn, Dopamine stimulates the production of oxytocin, sometimes known as "the cuddle chemical." The higher the levels of these chemicals and others the more intense the feelings.

Our Emotional Connection

The chemistry we have with someone is limited to our physical response, caused by a nerve that spans the whole body, called the vagus nerve, that signals the brain, setting the heart pounding and the fluttering in the belly. However, our values, beliefs, culture and view of the world are not part of the chemistry equation. But there is no denying that those elements, plus our personality and circumstances, play a role in who we are attracted to.

Defined as our spiritual infinity, our emotional connection is felt only in the heart and soul and develops over time. When feelings of connectedness continue over time, the brain produces endorhpins, resulting in an increased sense of calm and reducing anxiety. As the relationship moves into this phase it is characterized by commitment and comfort. This period ,following the 'honeymoon', may explain why some people can't seem to maintain a long-term relationship; they prefer the thrill of the dopamine/oxytocin levels than those of the calmer endorphins.

Long term relationships include at least some measure of both chemical and emotional connections coming in phases. The intense feelings we feel in the beginning of a relationship, infatuation, if you will, passes as we move into an emotional calm, committed shared life.

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