Frances Langford, Don Ameche.
The Bickersons: Christmas Eve (NBC, unknown)
The original air date is actually unknown. But this is one Christmas Eve setting that probably should have aired on Christmas Eve itself.
And it only begins with this installment’s being the likely inspiration—derived likewise from “The Gift of the Magi”—for the classic Honeymooners [the Original 39] episode about Ralph having to hock his brand-new bowling ball to buy Alice the Christmas present for which he forgot (as usual) to sock a few sawbucks away, and to retrieve his jaw from the floor when he saw what she got him . . .
Here, however, it's weary husband John (Don Ameche) snoring on the ladder while trimming the tree. It’s shrewish wife Blanche (Frances Langford) snorting him awake and into one of their usual arguments, from John's daily bag (and gag) lunch to his reputedly forgotten Christmas card (he didn't forget, by the way---but you'll have to listen to learn where it turned up), the bill money spent on presents.
And, especially, it’s bourbon-loving John and highfalutin' Blanche ending by opening their presents just past midnight—and discovering just what each sold (hint: what the other could have used with their gifts) to buy each other their presents, provoking a surprising spell of sentiment from old-time radio’s grandparents to Married . . . with Children.
W
hich puts the lie, for a little while, anyway, to The Bickersons amounting to a one-joke pony who could be tolerated by a sustaining audience only slightly longer than the couple who specialised in domestic blitz could tolerate each other. Even if their creator swore he got the inspiration for both the characters and most of their incendiary squabbles from his own parents’ contentious marriage.Perhaps it was that very contentiousness that enabled John and Blanche to deliver the finish with neither saccharine nor superficiality. If so, it's no wonder Jackie Gleason might have wanted to catch a little of their kind of Christmas cheer.
Writer/director: Philip Rapp.
TWO JEWELS FROM TWO JEWELS . . .Columbia Workshop: The Plot to Overthrow Christmas (CBS, 24 December 1942)
Set in hell, delivered in verse (some of it, admittedly, is a little on the awkward side but the archness of the delivery and the quality of the bulk makes up for it), some of history's most notorious villains to that point convene to plan Christmas's demise—as soon as they can quell this little, ahem, family squabble. (Sit down, Haman---for I am Ivan the Terrible! Brother Ivan is a demagogue/with the brain like a fly and the manners of a hog.)
Also in on the plot: Lucrezia Borgia, Caligula, Medusa, and Nero, among others. I'll tell you only that Caligula has visions of men hanging from Christmas trees and let you take it from there, Nero's a little snippy ("Today I note with a bitter shrug/They've made Scheherezade a jitterbug"), and the ayes have it for Dame Borgia's idea . . . or do they?
First performed on Norman Corwin, Words Without Music in 1938, this version does not include Will Geer’s original performance as the devil, and that edition is worth seeking out for Geer’s understated performance, but Martin Gabel (Neil in Easy Aces, among other roles) will not disappoint you. You may or may not necessarily miss House Jameson’s (The Aldrich Family) original performance as Santa, but you won’t be disappointed by future Perry Mason co-star Ray Collins in the role, either.
Corwin made his bones with the original production and reaffirmed them with the repeat. It’s as clever a way for you to launch a Christmas Eve’s old-time radio listening as you can find.
Nero: Eric Burroughs. Additional cast: Unknown, but likely including Orson Welles. Music: Bernard Herrmann. Writer/director: Norman Corwin.
The Big Show: Christmas Eve Program (NBC, 1950)
This installment kicked off with a slight variation on the standard introduction that simply had to be a grabber from the outset.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD: To the men and women in service all over the world on this Christmas Eve, through the cooperation of the Associated Services of the Armed Forces, you are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business. For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as . . .
As custom on this last-gasp, big-bucks variety offering, the stars introduced themselves: Jimmy Durante. Bert Lahr. Robert Merrill. Margaret O'Brien. Edith Piaf. Fran Warren. Ed Wynn. And, music director Meredith Willson. And, following that soaring theme music around and behind Ed Herlihy's introduction, back came Madame Tallulah.
BANKHEAD: A safe and Merry Christmas, darlings, to all our Armed Forces, wherever you may be. And to you here at home, I hope all your stockings are hung, and that you find in them all the things you wished for. I know what I'm going to find in mine---a run! I always do on this show!
But when I heard that one of our guests today would be Margaret O'Brien, I decided to make it my business to see that this child has a Merry Christmas away from her home. After all, it's only been a few years since I was a child, heh heh heh. (Laughter.) Those darling writers---they'll stop at nothing for a Christmas present. And that's exactly what they're getting.
But to make sure little Margaret has a wonderful Christmas, I invited three of the theater's greatest clowns---Jimmy Durante, Bert Lahr, and Ed Wynn.
JIMMY DURANTE, BERT LAHR, and ED WYNN (in unison): Hello, Tallulah! (Applause.)
BANKHEAD: Hello Ed, Jimmy, Bert. Hello Bert, Ed, Jimmy. Hello Jimmy, Bert, Ed. Well, now that I've given you all equal billing, we can get down to our problem. We've got to arrange a wonderful Christmas party for this little girl. Anybody have an idea what to give her?
LAHR: I've got an idea, Tallulah.
BANKHEAD: Uh, huh.
LAHR: Something that's very popular this time of the year.
BANKHEAD: Oh, really, darling? What is it, Bert?
LAHR: How about givin' her a Christmas present?
BANKHEAD (lowers voice smugly): Uh, now, isn't that brilliant?
From there the foursome swaps gags about Christmas bed jackets, horses, and John Dillinger, before Lahr reprises "If I Was The King of the Forest" from The Wizard of Oz (with a little help from O'Brien, of course); before Durante suggests a toy-spangled Christmas tree and finds a way to sing "Isn't It A Shame That Christmas Comes But Once A Year"; before Wynn and company try to prove Santa Claus; and, before some stunning music from Warren ("Look to the Rainbow"), Metropolitan Opera star Merrill ("O Holy Night") and the tragic French chanteuse Piaf. (A beautiful "Autumn Leaves.")
There is also a gentle message from Army Gen. Jonathan Wainwright at
And I didn't even stop to mention the soaring, caroling almost-finale. But I'm leaving you to hear it for yourself.
Music: Meredith Willson, the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus. Writers: Goodman Ace, George Foster, Mort Greene, Frank Wilson.
AND, FURTHER CHRISTMAS EVE CHANNEL SURFING . . .
Fibber McGee & Molly: Gildy’s Radio Phonograph (NBC, 1940)—Gildersleeve’s (Harold Peary) new radio-phonograph combine is delivered---to the McGees (Jim and Marian Jordan), by mistake, but they get a bigger shock when they plug it in and play it. Doc: Arthur Q. Bryan. The Old-Timer: Bill Thompson. Announcer: Harlow Wilcox. Music: Billy Mills Orchestra. Writer: Don Quinn.
The Lucky Strike Program Starring Jack Benny: Trimming a Tree (NBC, 1944)—Jack Jack (Benny) and Mary (Livingstone) finish trimming Jack's tree . . . and the first results come as quite a shock to the pregnant pausing, electricity-challenged miser. Additional cast: Eddie Anderson, Phil Harris, Larry Stevens. Announcer: Don Wilson. Music: Phil Harris Orchestra, Larry Stevens. Writers: George Balzar, Milt Josefsberg, Sam Perrin, John Tackaberry.
The Old Gold Comedy Theater: Bachelor Mother (NBC, 1944)—Brenda Marshall and Louis Hayward step into the Ginger Rogers and David Niven roles, from the 1939 film about a department store clerk (Marshall) selling ducks until she's canned the day before Christmas for obscure reasons—and getting a shock on her doorstep that leads to a few odd events and her re-hiring. Additional cast: Unknown. Director: Harold Lloyd. Adapted from the screenplay by Norman Krasna, based on a story by Felix Jackson.
Richard Diamond, Private Detective: A Christmas Carol (NBC, 1949)—The jaunty detective (Dick Powell) casts his own usual suspects—most of whom are the police with whom he normally works and/or fences—into an analogic interpretation of the Dickens classic. Levinson: Ed Begley. Helen: Virginia Gregg. Otis: Wilms Herbert. Announcer: Eddie King. Music: David Baskerville. Director: William P. Rousseau. Writer: Blake Edwards.
Bob & Ray Present the CBS Radio Network: One Fella’s Family—Merry Christmas, One and All (No coaching from the audience, please, 1959)—From Book Eye Ex, Chapter Eye Eye, Pages Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, and the bottom of Page Seventeen. The usual deft improvisation. Writers: Bob Elliot, Ray Goulding.
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