Single Black Women, Nightline, and Steve Harvey. Coming (back) soon. The incredible Megan Carpentier at Jezebel.com asked me to weigh in on this topic. Here's the definitive single black women article featuring the brilliant Twanna Hines, Latoya Peterson, Sister Toldjah along with Abiola Abrams (me). And here's my full article.
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Today's Kiss and Tell Report.
Sixth grade was my last year in coed education. After that my parents and I made the genius decision that I would enter a snooty all girls prep school for the remainder of my adolescence. Seemed like a good idea at the time but that's a different article. And by article I mean therapy session.
I had a wise-cracking wizened old teacher, let's call him Mr. Goldstein, who used his 'I'm one of you' schtick and stale jokes to push us. Goldstein actually managed to be amusing and relevant despite his advanced age. He was ancient. Like 30 years old at least. Anyway, in a stroke of teaching brilliance Mr. Goldstein turned our weekly quizzes into contests. The top 10 students in the class would to attend a fun-filled after school pizza party.
This was a huge friggin' tween deal because it meant we girls had 4 opportunities a month to hang out with boys without being chased, hit, or wielding a joystick. What kind of joystick you manipulated depended on how 'fast' you were.
Being the reigning queen of the geeks and an over-achieving suck up meant that I was on the inside track to attend every pizza party. Luckily big butts were in style in my 'hood. With some cajoling maybe we could even get Goldstein to play New Edition or Salt N Pepa. What better way was there to have your own personal Theo Huxtable jammin' on the one?
The first few times that Goldstein dangled his pizza party carrot the top 9 kids out of 10 who qualified for the after school jam were girls. We had fun together and enjoyed our extra cheese but really missed the boys. Now that I think back, a big part of the boys not doing as well probably had to do with the uncoolness factor in urban schools surrounding achievement. For the other issues surrounding young black boys and learnin' check out educator Jawanza Kunjufu.
But after 3 weeks of pizza parties that looked more like an episode of The Facts of Life than the hot gooey pizza filled co-ed Breakfast Club orgy my raging hormones craved it was clear that the girls were 'winning.' Something had to change.
What did Mr. Goldstein do at that point? Did he yell at the girls for overachieving? Berate us for being so accomplished? Tell us to aim lower and not leave our peers in the dust? Remove the standards to allow the boys their opportunity at high cholesterol and heartburn? Or tell us girls that we were stupid and desperate young bitches destined to die alone for wanting to share the soiree with boys?
No. Mr. Goldstein challenged the 6th grade boys to step up to the plate and be men. He chastised the underachievers. He lectured them and offered them after school tutoring. He encouraged us girls to share photos and stories of our pizza party high life to tempt the dudes to get it together. And step up they did. Eventually the pizza party winners were almost 50/50.
Why am I sharing this now? A deep longing for ghetto Queens pizza? Well, yeah. But also it's been reported that Nightline is once again tackling that poignant 00s question, "Why Can't a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?"
Chris Ariens at MediaBistro reports that: Nightline's Vicki Mabrey and talk show host Steve Harvey moderated a "Face-Off" debate between Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, Hill Harper, and Jimi Izrael for an upcoming episode. [Video: My Interview with Hill Harper about black people and love] Pardon me while I lean out of my Harlem window to hurl on the last junkie left in the alley.
Haven't we pummeled this horse to death already? Or at least put it out to pasture in The Washington Post, Essence Magazine, Ebony on The View, Oprah, and yes, Nightline. I haven't had this many people in my bedroom since college. But that too is another therapy session.
For those of you new to this single black woman "debate" here's what usually happens in these episodes: The host rallies off statistics like, "If you are a black woman with a degree you have a better chance of being one of Tiger Woods' mistresses than getting married." They then throw up graphs to show the percentages of black men who don't graduate high school, who are in jail or gay, the rest who choose to date interracially. They highlight the fact that black women are least likely to date across racial lines.
At this point in the program several high achieving, successful women are shown with all of the degrees, hair relaxers, dreadlocks, Loubatin shoes and designer accoutrement that can fill the screen and asked what they look for in a man. Then like any other human being on the planet the women simply state what qualities they seek in a mate.
For example on my fame-whoring gig on the Drew Barrymore-produced "reality" series VH1's Tough Love my list was: Single black female seeking a man that I am attracted to, who is kind, smart, gainfully employed, spiritual, funny, community-minded and available. For that my character was dubbed Miss Picky. Really? Are there people out there seeking someone unkind, not smart, unemployed, and unavailable? Methinks not.
So if a man is not interested "he's just not that into you" but if you are not interested you're too picky or something is wrong with you. Got it. Here's the thing- all of us - even those in arranged marriages have a concept of what we seek in a partner. We may or may not physically list it out but the list is there. Do what works for you.
Obviously the great 6th grade pizza experiment wasn't a clean test kitchen of the full psycho-socio-economic issues facing black men and women in America. But WHY are women being berated for wanting to date people that they like and have things in common with. This is absurd.
Why isn't anyone addressing the men?
I think that most of us, even some Republicans, will agree that we are all created equal. People are interested in dating and marrying people who have the same interests they do. People tend to meet people primarily through work or in their social circle. Anyone can find just any man or any woman. What I hear from my friends - male and female - of all races is that they are seeking people they find right for THEM.
The insane thing is that this conversation has taken on a vicious black woman-hating tone-- much of it from other people of color including black women and men. [Video: The Reason Black Men Jump Ship] This strain of the argument goes, "Black women are all nasty bitches so black men don't want them."
As a certified platinum certificate holder on nasty bitches with best friends of both the Becky and Keshia persuasion I can tell you that nastiness comes in every race, creed and gender. [Video: Black Men Seek White Women Because Black Women Are Too Angry]
Another strain of the conversation says that these women are caught up in the fairytale and want some unrealistic version of the prince. And men are exempt from fairytale ideals? Ever seen a barbershop wall? Or whom men cast to play their love interests in movies and music videos? How about whom wealthy men (including athletes and the like) with the largest dating pool choose to pursue?
Here's the real deal-- we are all seeking our Kings and Queens. As for being sold a fairytale we forget that men are taught the same fairytales that women are, and they too buy in to whatever their culture reinforces. For some that fairytale may be that the man should be a prince; for others that fairytale says that the man should be a pimp.
Enough of reinforcing this "no good men" prophesy. My father and brother are amazing black men so clearly this mystical white whale exists. Marriage numbers are down across the board because many women (gasp) don't want to be married. Many people are living paperless with their life partners. They don't register in these stats. As for the swirl, I too also used to feel like I only wanted to marry a black man but I've since grown to realize that I am seeking commonalities and attraction. Duh. [Throwback Videos: Still Taboo and Black Women & Interracial Dating]
It's an amazing time to be a black woman. You have Tyler Perry and Steve Harvey to give you relationship advice, Chris Rock to offer commentary on your hair, and Bishop TD Jakes to resolve your salvation. And Nightline to make it all make sense for you. Goddess bless America. (And a special inside dig and shame on you my corporate TV partners for changing my Goddess references to Princess to make me "more accessible." You know who you are.)
I have much more to say but I am way over my word count. Apologies. I am West Indian and prone to excess. Find me at AbiolaTV.com on Twitter @AbiolaTV or Facebook at xoAbiola to continue the conversation.
Here are what some of my facebook and twitter friends are saying about the subject:
@blowthetrumpet 44% of black men are never married vs. 42% of black women http://bit.ly/bsSUQt
@ciqua These bloodsucking news outlets. The carcass is dry & nearly powder off these STUPID assertions on our love lives. *blegh*
@Gluonsrule Oy. the sad thing is, there is a market for this drivel. the real question: are UNsuccessful women getting the men? yeah. pfft.
@AerialEllis Pass the bucket.
@Laughmom I think the real question should be, "Why would a successful black woman want a man?"
@ciqua Aah love is in the air for all these ppl that these ridiculous news outlets say are incapable of ever finding a mate #hainyourface From facebook
Abiola Abrams is a TV Host & Media Personality, Author & Professional Big Mouth as seen on VH1, BET, HBO, FOX, NBC and the like. Her feminist hip hop novel is named Dare (Simon & Schuster) and her writing is published in several bestselling anthologies. Abiola's Kiss & Tell is her award-winning Web TV Series, monthly reading series at Madame X, and daily love/sex column on Examiner. Find Abiola at AbiolaTV.com on Twitter @AbiolaTV or Facebook.com/xoAbiola.
Comments
Thank you Abiola!!
Awesome post! I am so sick of the same stories and stats being rehashed, it's the double edged sword of the media's new obsession with black people now that Obama is president. It's still racist and ignorant under the guise of cultural education, and does nothing to foster intelligent and helpful debate. I think all of these reports can affect our psyches, another way to subjugate Black women (we are unlovable spinsters with bad attitudes). So tired of it. (and I love your digs at them trying to change you from Goddess to princess...GTFOH!)
I believe all races have this problem...not just black women. If ANY woman is successful in education/financial, men seem to feel threatened. We really need to go back to gender roles. Women were expected to keep house and men provided protection in the form of financial and physical. However, in the 70's when the women's movement evolved, it left the gender roles to the individual. I feel boys are still being raised around these gender roles. When they grow up they are shocked and somewhat "put off" by women who actually fend for themselves and really don't need them but for physical activity. Then again, if you want something or someone of substance you must match in those areas as well. DO unto others not only applies to the bible.
I agree the recitation of the aforementioned stats sounds like a broken record at this point. There's no doubt Black women feel the brunt of the unfriendly and thick stereotypes while White women benefit from the fun loving and Playboy body stereotypes. But stereotypes are all they are. Here in Seattle there is a strong Scandi-Asian influence. White and Asian women are the most plentiful. And I will testify there are plenty of less-than-friendly and thick White women around here ha ha! In fact people in the know about Seattle know there is a subculture of passive aggressive standoffish asexual polite niceness called "Seattle nice" that comes from a variety of men as well as women.
I agree with Brenda....it’s not limited to black or white women. As a single 47 y/o black male I have to say that it’s not as easy from the other side. I’m not looking for “Claire Huxtable” But nor am I looking for post 90's Whitney Houston (sorry) needing a bit of “thug” as well. And if I wanted someone with blond hair I’d date a natural one. Not someone with a weave or dyed blond job ( Natural please)! No offense but I’m met several bald black women who were down right stunning without hair than anything fake. But like all things good it just takes time. And like the man says...I just haven’t met you ....yet!
Thank you so much for writing this article!
I think this whole plight of single black women is just another bit of media HYPE to over dramatize issues involving the black community. The nuclear family of all races started running into trouble around the time the yupie/me generation took over in the 80’s. But there are many more issues that go into why there are more black single women than the avialablility of so called good black men. Nobody has asked the importance of marriage in the black community now. Don’t forget marriage is just a social construct with romantic and religious window dressing placed on it at different times in our society. In some cultural groups folks get married because it is expected in their ethnic group or to gain financies/move up in the world. The African American community faces serious social issues that plague the Disporia of black people here, so of course this is going to effect, how we veiw marriage and relationships. Many black women and men come from dysfunctional homes, many of the
Interesting article. I wouldn't say it hit the nail on the head though. I think we as black people should start having transparent dialogue. This "battle of the sexes" crap is killing us emotionally. Both sides should start by defining what a real man/woman are and what we consider success. I want to come home to a homie, not a business partner. I think many "successful black women" fail to realize this. America still has a bias towards black males. We will never be embraced. The only resolution is to have unity and create our own everything. That way we can define manhood and success on our own terms and not be judged by euro standards. Sadly, our women have bought into this standard as well. Question. Do black Americans live in a toxic culture? What are we teaching young black boys? To be athletes, ballers, womanizers, mamas boys, abusers, or narcissists? Where are they learning this behavior since so many are being raised by single women?
Interesting article. I wouldn't say it hit the nail on the head though. I think we as black people should start having transparent dialogue. This "battle of the sexes" crap is killing us emotionally. Both sides should start by defining what a real man/woman are and what we consider success. I want to come home to a homie, not a business partner. I think many "successful black women" fail to realize this. America still has a bias towards black males. We will never be embraced. The only resolution is to have unity and create our own everything. That way we can define manhood and success on our own terms and not be judged by euro standards. Sadly, our women have bought into this standard as well. Question. Do black Americans live in a toxic culture? What are we teaching young black boys? To be athletes, ballers, womanizers, mamas boys, abusers, or narcissists? Where are they learning this behavior since so many are being raised by single women?
I am a single black female 47 and i really hate i miss the show I am successful and fortunate to still have a good paying job. I go to church and live in a good community. I have given the black man a chance and the relation was good for 3 months and after that the relationship goes sour. I met a man that lied and said he was single come to find out married. We went to the store and his crazy wife spotted him in my car followed us and we parked the car she ran to his car bust his window out. Start chasing him done the street. See what lies cause. In the middle of bullshit thats what a lot of black men are about.. THat s my comment
Its a lot of us good men's out there. some ladies wont even give us a chance because of what Mister Mack daddy did to them. The good Guy catch hell most men are reluctant to even approach a lady theses days without facing ridicule .its now fair to the lady her self and not fair to the men.
We are thinking along the same lines. I wrote an article "The Cons of Marriage - Why Women Should Not Get Married" which explores the reasons that marriage isn't working as it is, and what may need to change to make it work for Sistahs. I am also weary of the bashing of Black women for not being "good enough" for Black men to marry - all kinds of rules and regulations and hoops to jump through to gain their regard. Ha! Unless a marriage is really, really good a woman risks depression, anxiety, low self esteem and a host of other negatives. A marriage might "save you" but it might condemn you to hell too. Read The Cons of Marriage on my blog at Surviving Dating dot Com
I think we need to engage into more conversation with each other before the cuddle. Where a person head is at tells me more about you than what material things you may have it also will tell me what intention you may have for me.Talking to each other is a great thing a friendship built first is the foundation of any relationship because the to of you got a real chance to get to know each other.I'm 41 years old I would love to have a beautiful lady with her beauty comes from inside first. I love smart women I praise all sisters. I'm single I only wont one good lady that's all one can do for me all the things I need her to do and that whole list of things is.JUST lOVE ME! That's all I've ever ask.is to actually get a chance at real love.
Black women are very loveable. Some of them have their guard and a wall up becâuse they been treated so badly in their past.us black men do love our black women its a must that we do.our mothers are black.if a man don't love his mother he wont love you.guys learn to love from their mothers like girls do from their fathers.if a female wasn't loved by her father growing up she will search for that missing love as she gets older.she finds her self learning to love as she wanting to be loved which will make it hard on the man that's trying to love her.Men's raise your daughters with love they make good wives that way.we do know how to embrace our ladies as well as pamper them.give us that chance.all men arnt the same ladies.
Sheena my friend all black men aren't like that .sound like you run into Mister Mack that told you a few lies and made you some broken promises.ladies beaware of that man that says baby I do everything for you.Sheena don't close your heart to us because of one man.just open your eyes a little wider and Waite to be found.the Bible says a man that finds a wife find a good thing.not a woman that finds a man.you hurt and you hurt badly your words says that in your comments.stay strong your mate is on the way.
Sheena my friend all black men aren't like that .sound like you run into Mister Mack that told you a few lies and made you some broken promises.ladies beaware of that man that says baby I do everything for you.Sheena don't close your heart to us because of one man.just open your eyes a little wider and Waite to be found.the Bible says a man that finds a wife find a good thing.not a woman that finds a man.you hurt and you hurt badly your words says that in your comments.stay strong your mate is on the way.
Black women are very loveable. Some of them have their guard and a wall up becâuse they been treated so badly in their past.us black men do love our black women its a must that we do.our mothers are black.if a man don't love his mother he wont love you.guys learn to love from their mothers like girls do from their fathers.if a female wasn't loved by her father growing up she will search for that missing love as she gets older.she finds her self learning to love as she wanting to be loved which will make it hard on the man that's trying to love her.Men's raise your daughters with love they make good wives that way.we do know how to embrace our ladies as well as pamper them.give us that chance.all men arnt the same ladies.
˙sɹǝƃƃıu pǝpɐǝɥ ʎsɐǝɹƃ llɐ ǝɹɐ uǝɯoʍ ʞɔɐlq ʇɐɥʇ sı ɯǝlqoɹd ǝɥ┴
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