Is there a magic number for love?

Here is the question I pondered today: What improves a romantic relationship most-More time, less time, or quality time? And, how many hours of couple time do you need each week to feel really great about your relationship? The answer to this question is your magic number.

I was actually thinking about this question as it applies to married couples with children because often during the recession, partners are both working more and can’t always get a babysitter for date nights. And, a date night out once a week (although it’s important) only adds up to a few hours of connection time. Time and money are important resources not to be squandered. So work, sleep, the children, finances etc. often take priority over romance and sometimes relationships become strained.

Having said this, creating pockets of connection time can be a good habit even in long term relationships without marriage and kids. When first dating, I always hear stories of how people text each other and do instant messaging all day from work. In the eyes of fresh love, anything is possible and partners can’t get enough of each other. As people settle into a lifetime relationship, connection can be taken for granted more (which is normal) but if we are conscious of this seeming lack of time and intention, there are some things we can do to address it.

So, today I am going to explore all three sides of this numeric riddle: The folks who crave more time with their partners, the ones who thrive with less romantic time and the ones who feel loved with quality dates.

1. TYPE A: PROPONENTS OF CREATING MORE CONNECTION TIME AS A COUPLE:
Many couples complain that they would like to nurture their relationship but they are so tired and overwhelmed that they don’t know where to start. Common phrases that these folks say include:

‘I never have enough time’
‘There’s only so much time in one day.’
‘I am so drained I just can’t even think of romance.’
‘I miss the days when I felt like my partner’s top priority.’
‘I miss how my spouse could not wait to be alone with me.’

When I talk about change, my clients often hear me use the term ‘baby steps.’ Sometimes little changes can add up to a far greater sum in the end and can create more connection exponentially in our relationships. Here are a few ideas to illustrate what I mean here.

10 ideas to gain time together during a busy work week:
1. Skype each other during your lunch hour= 5 hours a week of connection time.
2. Sit down for breakfast together= 5 hours a week.
3. Create an hour of time to connect before bedtime=5 hours a week
4. Shower together in the morning=3 hours a week
5. Bubble bath at night=5 hours a week
6. Talk to your honey during your commute for 30 minutes=2.5 hours a week
7. Set your alarm for 6am and make love=3 hours a week?
8. If you work near each other, arrange to meet out for lunch 3 times a week. You’ll feel like you’re dating again! To save money, you can even bring lunch sometimes= 3 hours a week
9. Get up and watch the sunrise together near your house and bring out a thermos of coffee. You may only be able to do this if you don’t have kids (or if your infant wakes up early anyway)=3 hours a week.
10. Spoon each other while you sleep=(7 hours x 5=40 extra hours of connection time)

Some of these ideas may sound silly but my point is just for you both to get creative so that you start ‘thinking out of the box’ of your old routine, because even if you are both super busy, ‘when there’s a will there’s a way!’ If something is important to you then it should be worth some effort. You don’t need to do these things all the time. The idea is to become conscious of what is possible for you as a couple so that you can develop some new habits of connection or try some new things out and see how they make you feel.

2. TYPE B: ADVOCATES OF THE QUALITY OF TIME NOT QUANTITY:
The types of things these lovebirds say about the couple time issue are:

‘You can’t quantify love. It’s about a feeling you get when you are with someone.’
‘If you try and control it or plan it, the relationship will feel stilted.’
‘Passion is spontaneous.’
‘I’ll see you when I see you. If we both have that desire, it’ll work out naturally.’

This species of lovebird may not need to see their partner more to feel loved. They just need to feel that they have high quality or peak experiences when they do get together. So this type of person might say, ‘let’s see each other once a week but let’s do something really awesome together.’ The memory of that great moment will impact how they feel in that relationship for awhile (as differentiated from the amount of time that they actually spend with their partner). So in this mathematical equation, quality trumps the number of hours of connection time. One amazing date at the opera could feel like a week of connection time to a TYPE B person.

3. TYPE C: PEOPLE WHO THINK RELATIONSHIPS IMPROVE WITH MORE SPACE:
This type of partner is the person you hear saying things like,

‘Let people miss each other’
‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
‘We have more to share if we have separate lives.’
‘People are happier when they get many of their needs met outside the relationship.’
‘I think the best relationships are the ones where people see each other less.’

You have probably seen couples that spend a lot of time pursuing passions outside the relationship, just not romantic passion! These couples have careers that they love, active social networks, passionate hobbies and they love to spend time by themselves. They come together at times to share, make love or have fun but the emphasis is that they feel loved when their partner respects their space. Ironically, they find closeness with the other through affirming their separateness.

These people are starving to carve out time for themselves in order to feel loved and connected. Here are a few ideas for them:

1-wake up an hour earlier to exercise or meditate= 5 hours a week
2-join a group or take a class once a week=4 hours
3-carve out reading time each day on your commute (if it’s by train or bus)= 5 hours
4-do something solitary on your lunch break at work, like go to the park=5 hours
5-write in a journal to connect to your thoughts and feelings privately=3 hours
6-Get up early to watch the sunrise before your wife and child wakes up=3 hours

These things need to be discussed with your spouse so you can both negotiate and support each others’ desires amid all the other business and responsibilities. Each person needs to understand what the other person needs to feel happy.

This article begs the question, is there a magic number for the best love relationships or do certain partners need one sum of connection time whereas others need much less?

I do not feel like one number makes for a healthy relationship as I have seen many different types of relationships and marriages succeed, all with varying degrees of closeness.

I would be interested in any relevant research findings on how much connection time happily married couples spend, but for the purposes of this article I did not investigate this.

I just wanted to acknowledge and write about these differences in needs here, ask your personal thoughts on the matter and have you consider your own magic number for love.

My thought on the matter is that maybe the solution lies in our psychology, not the numerology. Perhaps people who come from families that spent a lot of connection time together covet that in a relationship because it’s familiar and people who are used to more distance want that in a partnership. These are just my musings.

Issues arise when each partner thinks that they are right and the other person is wrong about what creates ‘a good relationship.’ Type A & C can happily coexist if together they can create a balanced equation of connection and alone time, and this can be negotiated when each person’s needs are appreciated, respected and understood. Of course it may be easier to negotiate time needs when two people are of the same type but we all know that opposites attract and a life that fulfills both partners is possible.

So think about it: Are you type A, B or C? What is your mate? Have you found a way for these two magic numbers to add up to a feeling of love and fulfillment in your everyday lives? Are you living your magic number? If not, what can you do about it?

I have to laugh, because as an undergrad I used to say that I took psychology because I hated numbers. I guess everything comes full circle.

My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Author of 'Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart' published by Atria Books.