Embracing Rejection in Dating

On Thursday night I was on the radio speaking about dating on 77WABC, the Curtis Sliwa show. A 35 year old divorced male called in and asked me how he could begin to get back out there and start meeting people, because it was difficult. I gave him some practical pointers about where to go and encouraged him to take a friend along, if he felt intimidated. Curtis (the host) teased me saying that a man did not need to bring a friend to go cruising! I laughed and said that even men sometimes feel intimidated about getting rejected and that sometimes it helps to have the support of a friend to hang out with. In my experience, men also have some dating fears and complaints, although some might be different from women and they tend to be less vocal about them.

 

Most of us dislike rejection and putting ourselves out there in awkward situations, like standing around at single events etc. It’s important to recognize that we feel fear when we go out of our comfort zone and could be hurt and that this is a natural inclination. So it is good to have empathy with yourself that you must work your bravery muscles and do it anyway.

 

On the positive side, most situations that help us grow require some discomfort and bravery at first. When you put yourself into a new situation there is the possibility you will flounder but there is also the possibility that you’ll learn something new, meet someone new and be forever changed. Finding a mate is no exception. You are less likely to meet someone if you leave it to fate or just sit at home. Even if you bump into someone naturally, you’ll need to risk being vulnerable and letting them in. So, no matter what you do, you will risk rejection. This is an important factor to deal with in life, in general. In dating it is normal to go through a lot of no’s until you get to the yes. And remember, it only takes the one yes to succeed.

 

 

Often singles get very down when they are rejected in the process of dating and this can lead to a number of negative thoughts, feelings and actions. Sometimes they will develop a limiting belief/thought like, ‘See! No men will like me’ or ‘I am just doomed to have a difficult love life.’ This then takes one rejection experience and generalizes it to forecast a negative future. Sometimes when a single person is rejected they go from feeling temporarily disappointed to feelings that are more globally negative such as feeling they worthless and unattractive. In terms of behavior when rejected, sometimes singles completely take themselves off the market and give up!

 

If any of these reactions to rejection sound familiar, recognize that this is not the best approach. While it’s normal to feel temporarily disappointed, the fact is that you were not a match for someone. The larger story that you create around that fact is much more extreme and important. Just because you were rejected by a date does not mean that you should reject yourself in the process. Tell yourself that the right person will stick around and you need to get back out there to find him. We can’t control another person’s reactions or choices we can only do our part by monitoring our thoughts, feelings and actions and making sure that they are aligned with what we want to create. So, remain on track while you date and keep your eye on your goal. Tell yourself all the reasons that you are a great catch and keep dating.

On the other side of the equation, I’ve met many singles who reject the majority of their dates after the first meeting. An extreme version of this tendency was the character of Jerry Seinfeld who always found the littlest things wrong with each date. Most singles just chalk this tendency up to lack of chemistry. But if your date is in the ball park of possible mates, why won’t you just give things a little time to get to know them? Unless there are red flags or there is obviously no physical attraction, I usually suggest that you give each person three dates. Sometimes people are nervous or shy and you cannot really know them in the very beginning. Things sometimes take time.

 

So, hopefully you will become more conscious about why you say no to dates and how often you do so. If you choose to give people a few more chances, you may find there is something there worth basing a relationship on and you can be more sure about your choice.

Whether you are the rejecter or the rejected, most people do not want to hear no and cannot confront the truth. This is a reality; we all need to learn to discuss and deal with this two letter word. Many singles make an excuse, like telling their date that ‘they are seeing someone else’ or ‘they are not going to date for awhile.’ They lie in attempt to be kind and to avoid mutual discomfort. Others blow their date off by not returning their calls or appearing busy until their date ‘gets the message.’ It is not that these approaches are the worst thing in the world but I have seen how it creates baggage for both people. They may not be aware or it but if there was no final honest conversation for closure, this stays with both people. It is not that you have to spell out what is wrong with that other person but in my experience, it is good to be honest, face the person and let them know that you’d rather be friends. When there is a clear ending and both people have an opportunity to say what they need to say, it’s easier to mutually move on, to be proud of your conduct and to wish that other person well.

 

So think about whether you tend to dodge no or whether you face it and learn from it. 

 

Oprah once said that rejection is just the universe’s way of helping you to move in another direction. When we hear ‘no’ it can be an opportunity to learn something about why we are not getting the results we want. It can also mean that there may be a better way to start applying your energy. Sometimes it means that particular opportunity (or person) is not the right one for us. So it’s our job to look for the lesson in the no and to use it as an opportunity to grow and become even stronger in ourselves and our purpose.

 

Our most important life goals will often involve rejection and it is what we do in the face of ‘no’ that will determine our eventual success. Hopefully this article has made you more conscious of your own response to rejection, in dating and in general.

 

If you want to explore this topic in more depth, my book (‘Dating from the Inside Out’ published by Atria books) has a long chapter on rejection, including some quizzes and related exercises. You can find it on amazon.com.

 

Feel free to comment on your experience with rejection in dating and share whether you say no too often on dates or if you respond very negatively to being rejected. We can all learn from each other.

 

My Best in Love,

 

Paulette