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Suited Lightbulb Man has feeling.
As a twentysomething, it's perfectly normal for me to get my news from The Colbert Report, and I see no shame in that. As a freelance music journalist, though, I probably shouldn't be getting my music news from The Colbert Report. Sure, I highly doubt many people were on the Movitz! bandwagon before their Colbert appearance this past week, but when he does a segment on the summer's hottest tracks and I am completely unfamiliar with any of them, I start to feel out of the loop. When he mentioned the Black Eyed Peas, I anticipated talk of "Boom Boom Pow," only to discover they're dominating the charts with a newer song now. In the parlance of the times, it seems I am so two-thousand-and-late.
Naturally, I see it as a personal and professional duty to remedy this situation, so I'll be using this space to review the current top ten on Billboard's Hot 100. After all, ten years from now, these are the songs that my friends will be staring into my iBrain as a bonding ritual meant to induce nostalgia, so I better be familiar with them. And since it's always fun to arbitrarily rate things, I'll be assigning out-of-four-star ratings for each song based primarily on sheer whim, so here goes:
1. Black Eyed Peas, "I Gotta Feeling" - I've never liked a Black Eyed Peas song before, at least based on what the radio has given me, but here I am, not lamenting the fact that I have the song set to loop while writing about it. Certainly there's nothing spectacular about this song, but just as the lyrics recount a generic good time easily reproduced with key ingredients (namely alcohol), the music offers the same, with a giddy electronic bounce, auto-tuned dance commands, and a host of other studio trappings for a sure-fire radio hit. Rating: ***
I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
2. Drake, "Best I Ever Had" - Based on the spoken word intro set to a light soul groove, dedicating the song to an unspecified woman, I came in expecting a decidedly mediocre R&B love song. Then things took a turn for the worst. After some uninspired rapping about a sexual conquest comes the song's unfortunate, lifeless refrain of "You the f***ing best." And it just goes on like that, making a brief detour to taint the Andy Griffith theme song for impressionable young minds. Going by this song, it's safe to say I hate the Drake. Rating: *
3. Keri Hilson Feat. Kanye West & Ne-Yo, "Knock You Down" - Kanye West is always a welcome presence in my book, though his appearance here, collaborating once again with a rising R&B songstress, puts the song in the shadow of last year's far superior collaboration with Estelle, "American Boy." (And the early Louis Vuitton name-check from West gives the song an immediate rehash feel.) All that said, it's Hilson's show, and her voice is suitably soulful, as is Ne-Yo's. It may not be anything new, but it's still a quality showcase for three talented voices. Rating: ***
Knock You Down feat Kanye West & Ne-Yo - Keri Hilson
4. Taylor Swift, "You Belong with Me" - "Love Story" is certainly a tough act to follow. My friends aptly described it as the song Bruce Springsteen would write if he only read the backs of books assigned in high school and said, "Screw it, I'm gonna write a happy ending for once." She went the opposite route with her next single, "White Horse," a downbeat, anti-love song. "You Belong with Me" is back in the anthemic love song mode, though considerably less successful. It's just a decent fluff piece of country-in-name-only pop, nothing revelatory. Rating **1/2
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
5. Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody" - "Sex on Fire" likely put these guys in an odd position, landing a surprise charting single with an actual rock song that didn't sound bland or particularly derivative. "Use Somebody" sounds a bit more derivative, channeling Coldplay's choir of background angels and bombastic guitars, though the vocals are definitely more gruff. This is probably the best way to go, as Coldplay does seem to be the only working rock band that can be consistently good while consistently charting. They could use some company. Rating: ***
6. Sean Kingston, "Fire Burning" - Considering the fact that I immediately associate Kingston's name with lazy sampling thanks to the "Stand By Me" crutch on "Beautiful Girls," I was somewhat relieved that "Fire Burning" didn't adopt the same strategy. Still, every time I hear its electro-slick production and repetitive auto-tuned verse, I expect the words "Poker Face" to crop up. Sure enough, a trip to Wikipedia informed me that this song and Lady Gaga's superior single share the same producer, RedOne. I can be pretty tolerant towards self-plagiarism, but while "Poker Face" is still in the Top 40, I'd rather not have to deal with an inferior rehash. Rating: **
7. Black Eyed Peas, "Boom Boom Pow" - A couple months back, as I'm sure was the case for many other Americans, due to forces beyond my control, I heard this song at least once a day. It somewhat fascinates me that such a peculiar sounding song could maintain such a monstrous stature, especially since despite all its electronic flourishes, it sounds rather spare and dull. As beat-obsessed as it is, the song lacks a sense of fun, save for a few playful lyrics, and is nowhere near as exciting as "I Gotta Feeling." Rating: **
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
8. Lady Gaga, "LoveGame" - "LoveGame" is another song that suffers in the shadow of "Poker Face," but unlike "Fire Burning," that's not its biggest problem. Unfortunately its weakness is something that Lady Gaga has always seemed dead-set on avoiding: inability to stand out. Its club beats are generally indistinguishable from a hefty chunk of the Top 40 crowd and really, the only memorable part of the song is the "I wanna take a ride on your discostick" line. I'm sure it's still quite effective for the dancefloor, but for an act whose previous tracks stood out so well, this is a definite step down. Rating: **
9. Katy Perry, "Waking Up in Vegas" - "I Kissed a Girl" annoyed the hell out of me from the first moment I heard it, so I was surprised at how much I genuinely enjoyed "Hot N Cold" whenever it came on the radio. And while "Thinking of You" did just as much nothing for me as it did for the rest of the listening public, "Waking Up in Vegas" lands her back on the good side of things. Granted, when it mysteriously popped up on a Superchunk-based Pandora playlist, it wasn't very welcome, but alongside its Top 40 cronies, it's just the sort of faux-attitude pop-rocker the radio needs. Rating: ***
Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry
10. Jordin Sparks, "Battlefield" - With the exception of "Boom Boom Pow," I have experienced all of these songs out of their element, listening to them alone on my computer late at night with low volume so as not to disturb the neighbors, instead of at a club or cranking from a car stereo with my friends. They all may have lost arbitrary stars for this fact, but "Battlefield" wins out despite this hindrance, since I know full-well it would pass the car stereo test with flying colors. It's amped-up sing-along pop greatness, and only loses a half star because before this song told me so about 79 times, I had already been taught that love is a battlefield a few hundred times over. Rating: ***1/2
With the knowledge gained through this article, no longer must I walk the streets with shameful ignorance of what's coming through the earbuds of today's youth as they pass me by, subtly mocking me with their eyes. Depending on this article's reception, I may dig deeper into this chart to further shield myself from their scorn. I may even revisit this feature from time to time, so as to always be able to stare back into their dead eyes and proclaim, "I recognize your hot beats and therefore your mockery yields nothing."
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