They didn't listen.
It’s easy to pick out what to watch this fall. Avatar, Sherlock Holmes, maybe Jennifer’s Body or The Informant, but what about the crap you should miss? The movies that will steal your money and back-hand for it. Oh, did you just pay $50 for the babysitter? How about $30 for a small popcorn, a drink and a package of Sour Patch Kids so you could happily watch G.I. Joe while hepped up on sugar? Yeah, how did that go for you?
It is in that spirit and I provide you with the Anti-Fall Movie Preview for 2009.
Here is what you should avoid:
The Fourth Kind
Alien movies have a long and storied history. Sometimes they come on endearing terms to sell Reese’s Pieces and run from the Feds while other times they want to destroy every major city but end up getting taken down by a redneck. As if that’s not bad enough, our extra-terrestrial pals are also rumored to abduct farmers and perform experiments on their exit chute. Why this only happens to the mentally questionable and the good residents of Three Tree Trailer Town is beyond my understanding. Way beyond my understanding is why the aliens are so interested with their rears.
It’s in this spirit that The Fourth Kind, the latest anti-alien movie, starring Milla Jovovich, arrives in theaters November 6th. Jovovich plays a psychologist who videotapes her “traumatized” patients and discovers the horrible truth: aliens have indeed been abducting high-school drop-outs and, whoa, it’s about to get ugly.
It should be no shock that these shenanigans occur in beautiful Alaska. If there are shenanigans such as vampires, zombies, or the Palin’s, it’s going down in Alaska.
Here’s the trailer for the madness:
The Fourth Kind debuts on November 6th.
2012
I’m convinced that Roland Emmerich is a really depressed individual who loathes our planet. Whether freezing over New York City in The Day After Tomorrow while using the Bush Administration as a backdrop to expose shallow environmentalism and the treatment of third-world nations or turning Godzilla into an iguana, Emmerich likes to destroy civilization on levels that even makes Michael Bay say, “Oh, c’mon.”
In 2012, Emmerich takes Earth’s apocalyptic doom date left to us by those wacky Mayans and destroys our blue marble. It tells the story of its survivors starring John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Thandie Newton and Woody Harrelson.
Emmerich ’s films are usually special effects bonanzas worth our visual adulation but there is usually nothing beyond its shiny veneer. 2012 will rain buckets of coin for Sony based on that alone. Take a look at what is coming for you:
This Is It
Three weeks after Michael Jackson’s passing, death profiteers Sony Pictures won a heated bidding war for 80 hours of rehearsal footage used by the late pop star in preparation for his upcoming 50 concerts in London. The film, entitled This Is It after Jackson’s concert name, opens worldwide October 30th. Sony states that the movie will contain certain segments in 3D along with taped interviews with people who knew and worked with Jackson.
I can picture the boardroom at Sony Pictures HQ when word went out over Michael Jackson’s death:
Sony lackey carrying Starbucks: <bursting through door> Everybody! Michael Jackson died!
Sony Suit 1: Can we get film rights for his corpse?
Sony Suit 2: Unlikely. I think his family owns those.
Sony Suit 1: Did anybody tape his death? Damn, it’s not on YouTube is it? The last thing we need is somebody posting that freak show’s death on <expletive> YouTube.
Sony Suit 2: I just did a search and the closest thing was Britney Spears’ hanging out with Paris Hilton wearing a thong on her head.
Sony Suite 1: Great. Maybe the Jackson family can sell us advertising rights for the body. Perhaps we can take it on a whirlwind tour. We can prop it up, put a glittery glove on it and maybe we can animate it?
Sony Head Honcho: <turns around in ginormous leather chair while petting Elvis’ head> What about the rehearsal footage? The unwashed masses won’t notice that we fully intend to profit off of his death by not only a theatrical release of his last days, but a DVD release as well.
Sony Suit 2: Great idea, S.H.H!
Sony lackey carrying Starbucks: <drop Starbucks> …So…cold.
Ninja Assassin
If you didn’t recognize it dear fellow movie-lovers, let me inform you that you are living in the golden age of fanboy cinema. Superhero movies, pirates, fantasy films and a smattering of sci-fi all tickles the fancy of nerds everywhere. There was something missing however. Something martial artsy. Something with sais, grappling hooks and quick cat-like movements and, dare I say, ninja-esque.
While we wait for a quality rendition of a “ninja” film, James McTeigue will provide and reasonable facsimile with Ninja Assassin, due out November 25th. South Korean entertainer Rain plays Raizo, a ninja who was kidnapped as a child and brought up within the deadly and secretive Ozunu Clan. Thing’s take a turn for the worse when his BFF is murdered by the clan, sending Raizo into hiding. He appears later as a vengeful “ninja assassin” ready to clobber and kick the Ozunu Clan’s arse.
While it’s easy to be interested in a film called Ninja Assassin, it’s quite a bit harder to stay interested after you see the trailer. Seemingly all cut-shots and shiny objects flying through the air, the film looks to be high on violence and low on everything else. Think Wanted meets G.I. Joe with a lump of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
I’m sorry. I must have typed that wrong. Nope, it’s correct. “Squeakquel.”
I don’t recall anybody asking for an Alvin and Chipmunks movie let alone a “squeakquel” but, nevertheless, here it is. Since 2007’s Alvin and the Chipmunks made just over $360 million worldwide, another chapter in the chipmunk saga must be made. If That Big Bag of Poo (oddly, a movie I’d rather see than another Chipmunks film) made those kind of numbers, I’d be willing to bet that a sequel entitled Big Bag of Poo: The Sh*tquel would arrive in theaters in a matter of months.
Because of a Scrooge McDuck-like fortune sitting in a vault on the Fox studio lot, they were able to retain the services of very talented Jason Lee and voicing from Justin Long, while adding Scary Movie and The House Bunny star Anna Faris to voice Jeanette, one of the Chipettes.
Using the first dirge as a barometer for the next installment, expect another CGI-live action calamity that will only appeal to “undemanding children” and people who have never seen a movie before.
The film arrives in theaters on Christmas Day.
Squeakquel!
The Stepfather
Don’t worry, it’s not 1987 so you can put your jelly bracelets and Aqua Net away and take out your side pony-tail. Instead, The Stepfather is yet another remake of a treasured ’80s classic about, yes, a stepfather. Not just any stepfather mind you, a murderer who is on the lam and proceeds to fool everybody except for those meddling kids he’s forced to live with. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen the original, the trailer for this film will show you the entire story.
Earlier I mentioned the golden age of cinema that we are currently living in and along with the spandex genre and toy trash line of movies, a giant mountain of remakes have been captivating audiences for far too long. Some come back in 3D (My Bloody Valentine) while others just use an overly attractive plug-and-play cast (Prom Night, Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Last House on the Left) featuring the same plot used in the original with nary a spec of originality.
Expect more of the same from The Stepfather on October 16th.
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