The 10 most pointless upcoming horror remakes

Remake. It’s a word that makes many horror fan’s stomachs churn. Over the last few years, the remake craze with horror films has steadily grown. Some of the remakes were good, some of them were bad, and some of them were just a waste of time. I won’t list any examples for what remakes I feel fall into each category, because the debate isn’t worth it. If you’re a horror fan, you have your own idea of what movies belong in each.

On August, 28th, Rob Zombie brings the sequel to his remake of “Halloween” to a theater near you. No matter how you felt about the first one, I’ll bet you’ll end up in a theater in the coming weeks to see where Zombie takes his “extreme vision.” The remaking of beloved horror movies like this one has become pretty commonplace. It’s not that the horror "classics" need to be redone, but that they're practically guaranteed to make money. And making money is all that matters.

There will be many more remakes vomited out into theaters in the coming weeks, months, and years, all of which will most likely fail to meet expectations. The topic of which existing horror remakes are terrible has been discussed repeatedly. Instead of going down that road again, let’s take a look into the future at the horror movie remakes that are in development, but should really just be scrapped.

10) "Day of the Woman" AKA “I Spit on Your Grave”

Seriously? “I Spit on Your Grave” is a 30 minute gang-rape scene followed by each of the rapists getting their vicious comeuppance. The climax of the film includes the leader of the rapist gang getting his wang-doodle chopped off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the original, but how in the world is the remake going to be able to match the frightening brutality of its predecessor and still get an R rating from the MPAA? It shouldn’t even be attempted.

9) “Child’s Play”

In the “Complete List of Upcoming Horror Remakes” article over at Horror-Movies.ca, the author says it’s about time for a remake of “Child’s Play” because the sequels (mainly “Bride of Chucky” and “Seed of Chucky”) have gotten really stupid. I say, it’s a movie about a serial killer who transfers his soul into a doll that then goes on a killing spree. I don’t think the doll getting a girlfriend and having a baby is really what pushed this one over the edge. Five times was enough, Don Mancini. Get a new gag.

8) “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

In 1984, “Silent Night, Deadly Night” hit theaters and was quickly pulled because a bunch of sobbing parents caused a fuss. Heaven forbid a psychotic Santa Claus be portrayed on screen! Film critics Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and Leonard Maltin (among others) universally condemned the film (surprise, surprise). Seriously, these people acted like it was Jesus Christ killing people, not some fictitious fat man dressed in a red suit. Okay, okay, so little kids would have been horrified by the commercials, but it’s not the film company’s responsibility to make sure children don’t see things that could potentially frighten them. That being said, I encourage everyone to go out and protest the remake.

7) “The Monster Squad”

Since the original had such a huge box office intake, why not remake this one? Hello, sarcasm. "The Monster Squad" bombed in its initial release and wasn’t widely available until last year, but it has gotten enough of a following now to conjure up some remake speculation. The saddest part is, when the remake does come to fruition, there will be those that have never seen or even heard of the original cult classic. Could you imagine having seen “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (2003) without seeing the one that started it all?

6) “An American Werewolf in London”

I can see it now. Instead of the completely mind-blowing werewolf transformation David Naughton’s character goes through in the original "An American Werewolf in London," it’ll be replaced by some cheesy computer animated trash. Didn’t “An American Werewolf in Paris” prove that one trip to this well was good enough? Apparently not, with a remake planned for a 2011 release.

5) “Let the Right One In”

Since vampires are pretty chic these days, thanks entirely to the utterly terrible “Twilight” nonsense, of course they’re going to remake one of the best vampire movies ever made. “Let the Right One In” is a moody and disturbing Swedish masterpiece. Based on the book by the same name, it was released last year to very high praise. Isn’t it great when a foreign movie comes out and a year later it gets remade for American audiences? I guess, Hollywood thinks we’re all too stupid to read subtitles. The brain trust behind this one has changed the title to "Let Me In" which really goes to show just how much they don't get it.

4) “The Birds”

If only the dead could come back for just a few minutes, so Alfred Hitchcock could rise up and choke out Michael Bay for planning a big-budget remake of his classic film, "The Birds." Come on. Should Platinum Dunes, the masterminds behind the remakes of “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” “The Amityville Horror,” and “Friday the 13th” really be allowed to touch one of the most highly regarded horror films of all-time? The answer is, they shouldn’t be allowed to make any movies, new or remake, ever again.

3) “The Evil Dead”

Wasn’t “Evil Dead II” close enough to being the remake of “The Evil Dead?” At any rate, this one has thankfully been spinning its wheels for a few years now, with Sam Raimi always finding something else to occupy his time. At one point, Raimi was set to write the screenplay and have an unknown director take the helm. Now, Raimi himself might be stepping in to direct. Is there anything more pointless than having a filmmaker remake his own film? Remember “Funny Games?” Not that I think old Sam would do a shot for shot remake of the original cult classic, but I do think it will have something to do with him not being satisfied with the first go around. According to Bruce Campbell that’s why fans have never seen a decent copy of “Within the Woods.” With Raimi working on “Spider-Man 4” and taking on the “Warcraft” movie, hopefully he’ll continue to be distracted from going back to the cabin in the woods.

2) “The Thing”

Here’s another upcoming remake of a remake. “The Thing from Another World” is a classic sci-fi/horror flick from the early ‘50s that was expertly redone by John Carpenter in the early ‘80s. "The Thing" steadily creeps up on you as you watch the men trapped in a remote, artic research center, becoming more and more paranoid as each minute passes. It seems every time you think the men are going to be fine, someone else is unwittingly infected and turns into a crazed alien monster. “The Thing” is a perfect horror film front to back and no one will ever be able to duplicate it.  Why even try?

1) “A Nightmare on Elm Street”

Having already destroyed most of the classics, it was only a matter of time before “A Nightmare on Elm Street” got the same treatment. Absolutely nothing is sacred. Listen, I know that all the films mentioned here are just people pretending to be other people, filmed, and set to ominous music at various points, but where are they going to draw the line? I don’t care that the fan’s choice for the new Freddy got picked. I don’t care if Johnny Depp somehow makes a cameo as the character he played in the original. I don’t care if Robert Englund, Wes Craven, and Heather Langenkamp give it a stamp of approval. This is just sad.

Five honorable mentions:

“Suspiria”
Hopefully, Dario Argento will be able to throw a roadblock in front of this remake.

“Poltergeist”
This movie and “The Amityville Horror” are two of the most boring, overrated horror movies of all-time. A remake would only further the fact. Feel free to send all your hate mail to idratherbedead@hotmail.com or comment anonymously below.

“Videodrome”
Is it even possible to remake this? Why don’t they remake Terry Gilliam’s “Brazil” while they’re at it?

"Hellraiser"
Does Clive Barker need money?  Why else would this be happening?

“Battle Royale”
This one was initially on the actual list, but since the plans for a remake remain in limbo it might not end up happening. Fingers crossed.