The Etiquette of Sneaking Food into a Theater

Don't be this guy - use good sense when sneaking in food and drink!

The recession is on. Jobs are scattering like a hive of cockroaches when the light's turn on. Money's a bit tighter - and in these days of desperation and despair the best bargain still running is the local movie house. 

Movies are worth every single penny of that 8-10$ we fork out. Don't believe me? Try and put a price on Pulp Fiction, or Braveheart, or Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. The only real screw we feel at the theater comes when you realize you could have gotten two full record downloads on iTunes for what you just payed for a packet of Sour Patch Kids and a Diet Coke. 

First off I am most definitely NOT condoning sneaking in food and refreshments that the theater already sells. There's a reason those prices are as high as they are. Like that THX sound-system? Those drink holders in those comfy seats? How about that digital projection system? All that stuff was payed for by the profits from the snack counter. Ticket prices go mostly to the studios. Food prices go to the theater. That's the way the "whole durned human comedy perpetuates itself".

What I'm talking about is sneaking "real" food into movie theaters. And for the more sassy among us, sneaking alcohol into theaters. Because let's face it, the theater makes a nice bucket of popcorn - what they do not make is a fantastic hotdog. Hotdogs on those steel, spinning, sweaty rollers are a frightening prospect to anyone hungry enough to lay down 15$ for one. Somehow 7/11 has found a thriving market for that brand of wiener, I just don't believe one exists at the theater chains just yet. 

So let's get down to the business of sneaking food, and the etiquette of what types of food are alright to bring, and what really are not.

Food: Foods are the easiest thing in the world to smuggle into a movie theater. A big purse is handy for this ladies. Guys on the "lone wolf" tip may want to consider a hoodie. Hoodies have that big kangaroo pocket in the belly area, which makes a terrific womb for a burrito or a sandwich. You can also store goods in the hood behind your neck if push comes to shove. A word of warning here: Duffel bags in a post-911 world are constantly looked upon with suspicion. Ditch the bag, grab your favorite hoodie fellas.  

Avoid "smelly" foods. Egg salad, tuna fish, various cheeses, Indian cuisine, pickles, onions, necklaces made of garlic cloves - all aren't appropriate eating material for a movie session. Me and a friend managed to sneak Burger King Whoppers, (w/cheese) into Saving Private Ryan. Three minutes into the attack on Normandy the overpowering hamburger smell blended with the graphically gory visuals to create a wave of nauseatic disgust that would knock the guts out of anyone within smelling distance. Not a pretty picture.

Please avoid "loud" foods. No chips. No crackers. Nothing in a crinkling plastic bag. I've always felt that the sound of a pop-can being opened, (that "pop" "hiss" "burp") marked the cry of the common cheapskate when heard during a film. Buy your soda at the counter and leave that big bag of Doritos at home in the pantry.

Foods that do work: Finger foods only. No forks and spoons. Chipotle makes a nice burrito. It's even wrapped in luxuriously quiet foil, for stealthy unwrapping. There must be half a dozen sub-sandwich shops in your neighborhood. These also work. Grab a bag of Sliders if you're feeling a bit munchier. They're small, relatively quiet, and less smelly then their 1/4 pound cousins.

Make no mistake strange food in a shut-in theater will have a detectable odor to it no matter what it might be. I like to slowly open my food wrapping as the commercials and film previews wear on - just so I can accustom my fellow film patrons to the foreign smell in small contained doses. Very much like boiling a live frog - you don't want to crank the heat up immediately.

Alcohol: Alcohol is a much riskier affair. Caught with it you'll more than likely be ejected from the theater, probably for good. But  the people that like a little joy-juice in their 40 ounce sodas: mini-bottles of whiskey and Vanilla Stoli are extremely cheap options. I'd encourage a flask in this situation. Stay away from anything in a big glass bottle.

I've personally snuck bottles of champagne into both The Dark Knight and 300. But the blast of the cork blowing off may either make an audience laugh, (as it did on both occasions) or turn them united against you. I do not encourage this celebratory behavior. 

Beer is much trickier to pull off. There is nothing more barbaric sounding then a dropped beer bottle clinking as it awkwardly rolls down the concrete theater floor because some dolt dropped it. Plus beer is almost always a noisy opener. In fact I must really caution against bringing any brew into a movie theater. It's never a good idea. I have attempted it myself and have for the most part been successful. But there was this one time where I was almost nailed - and with a 2 liter growler of beer no less.

The Cautionary Tale of the Beer Growler:

The year was 2002. The movie was Jackass. (appropriate huh?) The beer was from Rock Bottom Brewery. Thinking myself as a Jedi master when it came to bootlegging food and drink into theaters I had no hesitation about getting a massive bottle of beer past the crack security team prowling the lobby area. I simply put the pointer finger of my right hand through the finger-hole at the top of the growler bottle, grabbed my coat with the rest of my available fingers, and tossed the whole package over my shoulder as if it were the most natural thing in the world. My coat covered the bottle nicely.

What I didn't count on was that because 13 year old kids were trying to sneak into seeing Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O that opening day, there would be someone at the door checking ID's. My wallet was in my right back pocket. My right hand was busy supporting 2 liters of beer and a duck brown Carhart jacket. There was absolutely no way this guy was letting me in without seeing my driver's license.

"Honey" I said to my wife. "Would you mind grabbing my wallet out of my back pocket?" This all must have appeared extremely suspicious to the doorman. After all who was this giant man packing his coat around like a catalog model - and why couldn't he just switch hands with the coat and grab his own wallet?

I thought about going for the wallet with my opposing left hand but quickly dismissed the idea. Men - try digging your wallet out with the wrong hand. It's beyond impossible.

My wife bungled around in my back pocket until she took hold of the wallet. then she displayed my ID to the guy watching the door. The entire transaction I observed still posing with my coat slung over my shoulder hiding the bottle of beer. We looked as guilty as OJ Simpson - both trials.

I could tell he knew something was rotten in the township of Denmark. But he let us in anyway. We drank our beer as the burlesque antics of the Jackass boys warmed our hearts and minds. But the situation may have scarred me from ever attempting such an enterprise ever again. At least until Jackass 2 came out...