According to the New York Daily News, Tiger Woods surrounded himself with a tight circle of friends who knew of his affairs years ago. Despite warnings that the situation was getting out of hand, he continued pursuing exploits off the course.
Understandably, that inner sanctum of loyal friends was a short list compared to the number of women with whom he is linked. The report also states that those close chums either warned him of impending trouble, kept quiet, or encouraged the behaviors as part of the ‘perks’ of the game.
Even now attempts to contact some of those buddies has been for naught; they are maintaining their silence, characteristic of Tiger’s close friends. One is quoted as saying, ‘this is Tiger's thing. We can't comment.”
Certainly, the depth and breadth of the betrayal shocked Tiger’s wife, Elin, who is, according to several media sources, 100% certain about seeking a no-fault divorce in California or Florida. The duplicity isn’t just from Tiger, but his close friends as well, some of whom are accused of arranging rendezvous’ with the mistresses.
All this leads Modern Love to deliberate the moral implications of friendship and marriage. Specifically, at what point are confidants expected to intercede and let a friend know that their behavior is morally reprehensible; that their actions compromise trust between spouses, parents and children, and friends?
Accepting that some friends tried to stop him, let's focus on those who knew and did nothing or actually helped arrange the affairs. Such behavior is sophomoric at best, motivated by self-interest and/or a flagrant disregard for a spouse’s wellbeing (yes, I know Elin came into the picture years later, but she is his wife and the mother of his children, which counts for something). By all accounts, this was a one-sided arrangement of which she knew nothing. Couples who are in open relationships are generally open about their choices; hence the term.
Is this a case of gender differences, one in which women (more generally) view his transgressions are inexcusable, and men (more generally) as evidence that monogamy as a goal is bunk? Modern Love is a sex positive, man friendly column, and I always try to shy away from stereotypes, unless there is potential clarity to be gleaned.
Thus, from this perspective, the friends’ silence is tantamount to approval, part of the antiquated ‘old boys’ attitude, because let’s face it, even if someone told Tiger the game is up, they obviously didn’t put teeth in it. The laundry list of ladies is proof enough of a long pattern of ‘perks’ off the golf course, not a one time ‘oops, babe, it won’t happen again.’
In all fairness, the hole in this part of my commentary is that at least two of the women are accused of being madams and not mistresses, putting the gals smack in the middle of Tigergate along with the boys. The next culprits are money and fame. Did these buy the necessary silence?
All this suggests that there was something in it for those who kept quiet.
It wasn’t morality. And it isn’t friendship, whatever they may claim. As the adage goes, ‘friends don’t let friends drive drunk.’ And friends don’t help friends screw around with untold numbers of women, risk a billion dollar career, rock solid reputation, the sexual health of a mother and two children, the mental and physical well being of the man in question, and – this is the kicker for Modern Love – their own sense of decency (which they must have lost somewhere on the back nine).
Too many knew of his transgressions years before this story broke. Maybe it’s time Tiger find himself a new set of friends who still remember what it means to be loyal.
Follow me on twitter: ModernLoveWritr. Send email questions/comments to tmbsdre@yahoo.com.
All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
I don't think it's necessarily the role of friends to speak up about this kind of thing. It was probably a rollercoaster that was speeding out of control and no amount of words would have stopped the inevitable crash. Also, it is up to an individual to change. No one can change another person.
I disagree. I think one of them should have said they're telling his wife at some point. Yes, it was probably a rollercoaster ride and they kept pushing it along if the news is true about it. I get your point about individual change and I think the author is trying to say that they didn't have to participate.
While there will always be some guys who retain a "frat house" mentality well into their 30's or even 40's, most (married) guys who love their wives, their children, respect the grandparents place in the children's lives and want to grow old as a family unit consider Tiger to be a scumbag. We are not secretly fist pumping his behavior behind our wife's back. Cheating with one partner is a marriage shattering event, but having a secret harem of cocktail waitresses and porn stars is asking for a divorce, custody battles, loss of income, and most importantly reputation. Tiger is getting what he deserves. My heart goes out to his wife and I think most guys like me is rooting for her to get $400 mil.
Ladies: Here is a rule of thumb as a man who does not cheat on his wife. I don't hang out with guys who do. If your man hangs out with guys who cheat and considers them his close friends, that is a bad sign. Decent guys don't cheat and look down on the act. Men who are comfortable with friends that do (and in Tiger's case, friends who help facilitate the act), share a non-family attitude toward the issue. Some guys seem to think if they work the long hours and provide a nice home and car, trips to the day spa, etc., the wife has to put up with extracurricular trysts. This is unacceptable nonsense.
Dear Roger and Michael - I LOVE it when guys visit my column, and I LOVE it when they leave messages like yours. Thank you for demonstrating why I think men are grand, men with attitudes like yours, that is. I hope you come back for a visit and keep sharing your insights with other readers. Best/T
Dear Tinamarie, I agree with you. Tiger's friends were acting as enablers. Sure, it was Tiger's responsibility alone to honor his wedding vows. But I agree with your drinking analogy. Would someone's friends say "Eh, if he drives drunk and kills someone, that HIS business." Gee, I hope not. Insightful article as always. Have a great day! Tracey Parce ~Boston Women's Relationship Advice Examiner
Nobody said his friends should try to change him. What is being said is that if his friends were TRUE FRIENDS they would have given him the ultimatum, either you tell Elin or we will. A real friend would have cared not only about him but about Elin and their children and they should have said something long before his wife and children got blindsided and totally humiliated in front of the world.
TMB: Thanks for the positive comments. These jocks who are coming to Tiger's side are doing themselves a disservice. They really think a lot of guys will commiserate with them. We don't. There is more cheating of men with means (and the better looking the guy and the wife, the more cheating). Some say having power, fame and cash enables this as there are more options available to them than Joe Sixpack who is not as good looking, can't afford a fancy hotel room, to travel or to pay off mistresses. Women who are considering marriage should put their priorities in the right place; don't trade a happy marriage and life for chiseled abs, a gated home and a S-series.
It's very easy to get on a soap box and say that Tiger and his cohorts are morally inept scumbags (which they are). But it's amazing how many people underestimate the moral depravity of themselves and humans in general. I personally get nausiated at the idea of throwing away my family life for sexual exploits, but I do myself a disservice if I think that I'm somehow "above" that sort of behavior. The reality is that very few men know what it's like to be Tiger Woods and the temptations that go along with it. I mean, how many married men out there, looking down their noses at Tiger, look at pornography on a regular basis? The bottom line is that if Tiger is truly sorrowful over his actions and takes real steps toward healing his family life and rehabilitating his sexual orientations, then that's all we can ask of him, and he should be show the grace and support to do so. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
So he did not live his child wood days. He is only doing what every man is doing. Give him a break. At lease he don't start another family. Those girls or just like a pack of cards u play them and u get some .guys going to be guys
Angela Gordon, your comment is a clear indication that if something like this happens to you, you would brush it off with "guys going to be guys" and that is truly sad, because that is a clear indication that you have very low self esteem if any and no self respect.
While I agree with your biblical "Judge not and be not judged" view along with the fact we are all capable of doing horrible things, your attitude is in a way part of the problem. A man should be horrified with the notion of living a lie of sexual infidelity behind his wife's (and the mother of his children) back. To be a serial offender of the measure of Tiger Woods is most shocking and disgusting. Pornography viewing = Bad. Adultery with 15+ women in the real world and bring some of them into your marriage bed while your wife is out of town = Very, Very, Very Bad. We as a society (and some men) have become too desensitized to this. While I do not live the lifestyle of Tiger Woods and do not have twenty something blond cocktail waitresses fawning over me, I can still share my opinion. To close with your biblical reference: John the Baptist did not live the lifestyle of Herod, but he was qualified to render an opinion of what he was doing with his brother's wife.
I would not be surprised if the situation with Tiger's longtime friends started on a small scale and grew. Ultimately, these guys had to choose between the glamour, the so-called "good life" - like hanging with MJ and Sir Charles in Vegas, preferential treatment at major golf tournaments, etc. - or being a force for moral or spiritual good in Tiger's life. Great art addresses "the point of no return" when faced with moral conundrums. It varies for each of us of course. I've wondered at what point that German billionaire who committed suicide when his financial world was falling apart decided that making and keeping money was more important than the overall welfare of his family. The good news for Tiger's friend is that they are still alive to learn from the experience and perhaps be of some comfort to Tiger in his "hour of darkness." They can take stock that none of them, or anybody else, is perfect and try to build better lives from there. All is not lost.
I was responding to Micah Albao's comments. I agree with Lou.
I agree with Roger and Lou. Angella, get your head out of the sand. Not "every guy" does this stuff.
all i have to say is its sad...
noone would like to be cheated on with _____ of girls
and at the end of the day sleep with your husband thinking hes just yours...
and the kids might not know whts happening but one day they will
and it will hurt..
he might not had his fun..
so why did he get married???
Friendship is sacrosanct. These guys knew Tiger long before that Swedish Ho appeared on the scene. They were bound to protect their friend and maintain his confidences. That's why they were his best friends. If my oldest friend had done what Tiger did, I would not judge him. These guys were true friends. The "frat boy" mentality, so derided, is little more than companionship, loyalty and comradeship, as shared by the knights of old. Those bonds are indissoluble.
So Tiger cheated his wife, many times over, with many women, sneaking behind her back while she raised her two children of tender age. By the same token, he cheated some of his "other women" too, going behind their backs, looking for new adventures. He cheated on his sponsors too. And this went on for years. This is not just "one mistake", by an honest man, this is a phony man living a phony life.
amen George
I agree with Roger and Lou. Angella, get your head out of the sand. Not "every guy" does this stuff.
Jasper: How could you call this wife and mother of two young children a "Ho". You have the type of mentality that gives the women the impression all men disrespect women and that they are all alike. This so-called "bond" is great if you are fighting WWII and your buddies are sticking together fighting the Nazi's, but it is a ridiculous notion that the buddies have to bond together to protect a philandering Tiger from being found out by his wife. Just pathetic.
Jasper says: "Friendship is sacrosanct"... So you would aid and abet a "friend" cheating on his wife??!! What is marriage for you, Jasper?
Elin should dump Tiger, and let him join Amway, along with his "girlfriends", as Amway also screws anything that moves. Amway is a scam, and here's why: Amway pays out as little money as they can get away with, so they support the higher level IBOs ripping off their downline via the tool scam. As a result, about 99% of IBOs operate at a net loss, while the top 1% make several TIMES more from their Amway tool scam than from the Amway products. Read about it on my blog, I suggest you start here: Google "Amway the rest of the story" and forward the information to everyone you know, so they don't get scammed.
Profile of the Sociopath
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Grandiose Sense of Self
Manipulative
Pathological Lying
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
Shallow Emotions
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Impulsive Nature
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Secretive
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
WOW........sure sounds like Tiger to me
f off tiger,,, man up tiger jeezz....
check out tiger's home
propertycrunch.com/celebrity
Jasper: How could you call this wife and mother of two young children a "Ho". You have the type of mentality that gives the women the impression all men disrespect women and that they are all alike. This so-called "bond" is great if you are fighting WWII and your buddies are sticking together fighting the Nazi's, but it is a ridiculous notion that the buddies have to bond together to protect a philandering Tiger from being found out by his wife. Just pathetic.
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