Tantric sex, happiness and into-me-see

Deeper connection. Sustained passion. A sense of one with your partner. Tantalizing sex. A merging of the sexual and the spiritual. These are just of the reasons I’ve been intrigued by the idea of tantric sexuality. And yet, it is a topic that until recently, I didn’t much talk about because there is quite a bit of mystery surround the idea, and might I just also suggest this: many people may be uncomfortable with the idea that sexuality and spirituality may be connected in ways deeper than the idea that God commanded us to procreate. What if sexuality is actually one way to become closer to God? What if, in the moment of orgasm, we have the opportunity to feel the presence, the kiss of the divine upon our flesh and within our souls? If that intrigues you, continue reading. Even if it doesn't, go ahead.

Tantric sex as a balm for our yearnings?

Modern Love has explored the topic of ecstatic sexuality in a previous columns, and suggested that there is a link between our reported decline in happiness and lack of intimacy. It’s an uncomfortable, cautious leap for some to follow, and I make it from gut instinct, although to be sure there is likely more than one expert out there who will agree: It is my belief that we are less joyful because we aren’t getting enough “Ohs” and “Ahs” in our relationships. We are yearning for intimacy, and yet cannot fully describe what that means to us. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that wild sex is the answer if you are suffering the blues; but deeper sex with your partner, a sustained sense of connection, is good for the body and soul.

INTO-ME-SEE
Diane Daffner has helped many couples answer that question for themselves. Author of 'Tantric sex for Busy Couples (in ten minutes a day!) and founder of the Intimacy Retreats in the US and Mexico (www.IntimacyRetreats.com), she and I share an interest in helping others connect more deeply to their beloveds. The challenge: people have different ideas on what intimacy means for them. As Daffner explains, “Intimacy is the cornerstone of a great relationship, but not everyone agrees on what intimacy really means. The cliché of different strokes for different folks definitely applies when it comes to defining and creating intimacy with a partner.”

Sex, physical intimacy, is one part of a healthy love. But in our modern world, many no longer know the ancient arts of keeping the magic alive, not just between the sheets, but heart to heart. I believe that is why couples are turning for help from people like Daffner. Lovers want to know how to keep the excitement alive and create a new understanding of passion, one that merges bodies, minds and souls.

To that end, Daffner suggests that we envision intimacy as “into-me-see,” as the desire to be understood at a deeper, soulful level. The angst, the loneliness, and the alienation that many are feeling may in fact be our unmet yearnings “to be seen, to be heard, to be touched, to be understood. We desire heartfelt contact and connection. We want to share our authentic self with our partner.” But if those needs are not dealt with – if we go about our days in a fog instead of consciously trying to create heartfelt connections with our partners – then we may end up feeling a generalized sense of dismay.

My first experience
Part of the problem is that we are not aware of the source of our unhappiness. Once upon a time, I was such a woman, married in a loveless union. And then, I believe I had my first tantric encounter with a virtual stranger, a man who took me in his arms and gave me what I now know to be a ‘melting hug.’ Holding me close, profoundly and spiritually so as much as his arms were around me, I felt a sense of peace and acceptance and desire to be with another than transcended sexual attraction. I literally melted against his body, drawing strength from his breath, from his words of support, in a way I’ve never experienced before. Finally, I heard my own soul’s yearnings, my inner voice, that said there was another way to experience relationship, to know love, to connect with another human being, soul to soul, heart to heart.

Self-awareness leads to partner awareness
The first step is becoming aware of these yearnings. The next is sharing them with your partner. It isn't always easy, and I will address how to engage a (man!) in these sorts of conversations in an upcoming column. The important thing to note is that if we don't share our feelings with our partners, then as Daffner explains, they may, “have difficulty recognizing and responding to it in us. Consider the woman who asks her husband if he loves her, only to receive the reply, “I married you, didn’t I?” This is jokingly extreme, but not so far off the mark in many relationships.”

Tantric sexuality
The solution, then, to our yearning for a more authentic closeness may lie in tantric sexuality for some couples. This ancient practice of divine sexuality is available to all - couples, and singles in between, or awaiting their lover – who truly seek to create the space for a more satisfying soulful relationship. Daffner, and many others who I will introduce you to in upcoming columns, helps lovers find ways to have, “sexual experiences that also touch our hearts and souls, to create truly fulfilling connections. The more moments of such connection that a relationship has, the greater likelihood of healthy happiness for both partners.”

For now, I suggest you read more about ‘melting hugs.’(by Luminessa, an expert on teaching tantra to couples as well as a writer for examiner.com). This is a simple practice, one that you can begin today with your beloved, with or without clothes on. And stay tuned for more in an upcoming column: Two of the sexiest acts don’t involve the genitals.

Sensual massage: it does a ‘yoni’ good

Do you know the difference between junk-food sex and ecstatic sex?

Women are sadder because, deep down, men are shallower

Too much sex, not enough war

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