He’s articulate and ambitious, with a decidedly square jawed sexiness about him, and a recent graduate from law school on the cusp of his career. By today’s cultural standards, some might expect an unmarried man like Jarrod Jenkins to behave in certain ways, say, dating and making hook-ups a priority with the Bar.
Instead, Jenkins – brainy, brawny, bold and black – is abolishing stereotypes as one of the most opinionated advocates of monogamy on the Internet.
“For too long, women have carried the torch of monogamy. Many people think that a monogamous man is an oxymoron. I’m coming from the perspective of an attractive 25-year-old professional man that thinks that monogamy is cool.” He says.
There’s a woman out there to make every man faithful, Jenkins insists. But men and women have to get one thing straight if they want to understand how to get fidelity right, and it’s the Law of Attraction, according to Jenkins, who’s also founder of Manogamy.com, the website that tags itself as ‘misspelled with a purpose.’
“I am the only man in the world (to my knowledge) that has a website devoted to monogamy. There are men that run websites about infidelity and swinging, but none that talk about the importance of monogamy.”
“Everyone wants to have the best looking wife, the best car, house, job, etc. Men have egos,” says Jenkins. “We like to think that we can have any woman that we want. The sad truth is that we can’t. Basically every man can date +2 from where he is. Therefore, if a guy is a 6 (based on looks, jobs, etc.), it’s almost impossible for him to date someone 8 or higher.”
His words echo a Modern Love column from several months ago. We all know the type: quiet, reserved, not too tall, not too short, conversational skills are average as is his appearance. Nice. As in the staid nice, not the warm-and-fuzzy-gives-great-hugs nice. This particular fellow is approaching middle age, and really wants to get married. Hooray! Another man who seeks commitment...but wait, there’s a catch. He also wants a beauty: a woman with silken hair and svelte physique, a knockout with ripe ovaries and a dazzling personality to boot. Please don’t think I am being mean when I ask: anyone see the discrepancy here?
Not to mince words; this is what I call Dating Outside your Pie Slice. You want a mate, you’ve got to search for your partner in the right lovesphere.
Jenkins doesn’t hold back either. The Law of Attraction is “a tough pill to swallow. From the time we learn of the opposite sex, we aspire to marry a model. If you don’t, inside you know that you wanted a 10 and settled for an 8,” which sets men up to live in resentment in their marriages.
“If an opportunity every arises to move up, many men will jump at the opportunity. That’s why you see so many professional men that cheat. Most guys that were doctors, lawyers, and bankers were nerds growing up. If you marry straight out of college and aren’t grounded, you are going to be in for an awakening when you make partner at a law firm.”
It’s a matter of timing and readiness. “Whenever I hear a guy say that they can’t be with just one woman, I say that you haven’t met that right woman yet. And by the right woman I mean the right woman on the inside and outside.” Men need to date and get through the partying stage, avoiding commitments until they are mature enough.
Jenkins also advocates L.O.V.E. to help maintain monogamy: Liability, openness, visibility, and equality. “You’ve go to hold yourself accountable. You’ve also got to be completely open with everything you do. Visibility is just important so that people can know that monogamy still exists. Last, equality is just a reiteration of the Golden Rule.”
Just for the record, Jenkins is attached, and since it’s no secret, is planning a proposal as soon as he passes the Bar.
This is one in a series of columns on Monogamy. For more, read: A Polyandrous View of Modern Monogamy
Follow Modern Love on twitter and Facebook. All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2010 by Tinamarie Bernard; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
He is romantic/idealistic and in the very early stages of his relationship. I would have more respect for his view if he interviewed older couples who are monogamous and had them share advice with young people. Being with one person is easy when you are 25 in law school and very busy. Being with one person after 15 years of monotony, sexual deprivation, children, financial loss, job changes and life challenges is the real triumph. I would like to see he and his wife in 15 years. Not saying they will break up, but, just curious if his idea of men and monogamy will change.
I'm the guy from the article. Monogamy has nothing to do with looks. You have to find someone with whom you are emotionally and spiritually compatible as well. I know relationships are hard, but fortunately divorce doesn't exist in my family. My parents have been married for 27 and have been through foreclosure, job loss, sickness, and more. And yet, their love is just as strong. My girlfriend's parents are still married as well. Love is about the lows, not the highs and that's what most people don't realize when they get married.
I agree with N9. I love Mr. Jenkins views on marriage and relationships but it is very easy to think that you will be with one person for the rest of your life at 25 before children, before deception, before infidelity, before abuse. Kudos to your parents and your gf's parents for remaining married for so long, but in most situations the "til death do you part" leaves people bitter, angry, and lacking a joyful life. You can find "the one", but that doesn't necessarily mean until you die.
It is nice though to see a young successful black couple who touts the beauty of marriage and relationship.
Kim,
Thank you for the kind words, I disagree with your unhappiness as an inevitability diagnosis. You have to go into a marriage with the mindset that it is going to last forever and that cheating will not happen. I cannot control what the other person does, but I can affirmatively say that I will never cheat on or hit my significant other because I have control over that. And that's why I started the website. We have to start holding OURSELVES accountable first.
Relationships aren't easy at all, but it certainly helps to be with someone that makes te fight worth it. People settle all the time, so when a big issue comes up, they are ready to pack their bags and leave. Sometimes, the biggest problems can be solved with a "hey we need to talk." The fact that there are marital affairs sites out there demonstrates how many people do not talk about issues in a marriage. Many people complain about being in a sexless marriage and have not mentioned one word about it to their spouse.
Dear Tinamarie -- BRAVA!
Dear Jarrod -- BRAVO!
Happiness and thank you, both. / R
I'm pleased by this very thorough and insightful discussion. One thing occurs to me in this dialogue: You can find the 'one' and he or she is inside. Being the kind of lover you want is really what this is about. Yes, I know, that sounds like a platitude, but I do believe it when we say, 'be the change you want to see' and we apply that to our personal lives as well.
Have a look at Helen Mirren and link to this story
Happiness/ R
LOVE IT!!!!!! Going to post the link on my Facebook friend page. Always impressed with the diversity of your articles.
Great Job,
Simone
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