Lori Gottlieb dishes on love, feminists and her NYT bestselling book, 'Marry Him'

Lori Gottlieb wants to make one thing very clear. “I am a feminist,” she says to me during a recent chat about her new book, Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Dutton Books, 2010). She speaks in strong tones, the kind of voice that means no nonsense and conveys a certainty that doesn’t require confirmation from any listener.

That was fine with me. Before we got down to the nitty gritty of her book, I already knew two things: the book was destined to be a NYT bestseller (which it achieved in a matter of a few weeks), and I believed her.

The backlash against Marry Him is ironic, really. “On all the major points, I agree with them,” she says. “I wouldn’t give back the gains of feminism for anything,” including marriage, if it meant not having the equality, respect and opportunities afforded to women as a result of the efforts of those early trail-blazers. It's an issue she addresses in a Washington Post column. So why are so many (mostly younger and single) women “up in arms” over the book and the title? It’s a question that intrigues us both.

“I think for many it is an issue of becoming the 40 year old who’s single,” she says. It’s like by “attacking the book, they are saying, ‘I’m not going to be her,’” Gottlieb muses. Gottlieb makes it clear in Marry Him, and in our conversation that she isn’t assuming marriage is for everyone, nor is it a prerequisite for happiness in her mind.  She emphasizies that, “I never say women shouldn't feel excited to be with the man they are with! The problem is that some women are so upset by the title, that they aren’t open-minded to actually reading what it means.” Indeed, the book doesn't attack women for wanting Mr. Right at all, but does suggest that our criteria for selecting a mate needs serious adjusting if our idea of settling includes long term marriage success.

What does she mean by using the word, ‘settle’? Gottlieb explains that quite succinctly. “Settle for first best…but know who first best really is.” That means, really, really understand what makes a man a great life partner for the long haul. The problem is that we have a generation of women who’ve grown up believing they are entitled to ‘prince charming’ and won’t take any one less than Mr. Perfection, when they themselves are full of little and not so little quirks.

“I know this” quite well, the author explains. “I’m not making this up. I go through the process in the book.” Indeed, Gottlieb reminds me that she’s just the messenger, and that the data she presents in the book comes from many experts. She’s just the guinea pig; during the first 100 pages or so of Marry Him, readers are given intimate details of Gottlieb’s resistance to reshaping her views and approaches to dating and finding a life partner. "I started with a list of 61 criteria for my mate!" She exclaims. That's changed considerably since her adventure and writing the book. "I'm much closer to finding love now," Gottlieb says, with a smile in her voice.

On one issue, we don’t share exact views. Modern Love actually suspects marriage is more important and even vital for more than are willing to admit to, at least nowadays. My reason? Call it an evolutionary hiccup if you will; humans are wired for companionship. Our very survival depends on it (okay, some may argue that we just need to have sex and have babies, but any nincompoop can tell that children raised in broken homes grow up to be, well, a little bit more broken themselves).

I asked Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of Love in 90 Days, and frequent guest on national TV, to comment on love, marriage and the fuss about Marry Him. She points out something the hard-core feminists – the ones throwing the mud  - ain’t gonna like. “Love relationships have the greatest impact on our psychological, economic, and physical well-being. Having a life partner can create a higher sense of self-worth, provide intimacy and emotional support which fulfills the deepest human need for connection, and lead to greater wealth and economic stability.”

Really, I ask? Marriage isn't the answer for everyone, but it’s better than many alternatives, Kirschner believes. “Here's the big take-away: for over 100 years studies around the world have shown that married people live longer and enjoy a higher quality of life than those who aren't partnered!” After years of her own research and counseling, this is the love doctor's conclusion.

So why the backlash against women like Gottlieb, who have it all but a spouse and would like to change that given the chance? Dr. Kirschner believes it goes back to earlier studies in the 1970s by Jesse Bernard that ‘claimed married women are worse off than single women.” According to Dr. Kirschner, these early studies have been largely discredited. She also suggests that our current social paradigm encourages an extension of ‘adolescence.’ People are well into their 20's and even 30's before [they] settle down. With this comes more time for experimentation,” Dr. Kirschner explains.

One of Modern Love’s favorite dating bloggers, ‘moxieinthecity’ also weighed in on the commotion surround Marry Him in a recent entry.  “Use the word "settle" and "Mr. Right" in the same sentence and all the wannabe feminists hop up on their soapbox and make their opinion very obvious by their sarcastic, resentful tone and then say they haven't even read the book. Or they attack the fact that the author is still single. How...’feminist’ of them to wage that kind of personal attack. Meanwhile, I'll bet many of them are still single yet feel completely justified in writing their own little missives against the book. Explain to me how that's not even remotely hypocritical.”

Indeed, Gottlieb and I discuss the double standard, something I explore in 'Marriage secrets women don't dare tell single friends' She hasn't yet read that column, so I quote the end for her. “We are witnessing a strange revolution, a two-head dragon, on the marriage front. On one end, you have same-sex couples fighting for the right to marry, and on the other end, you have ordinary women under attack for wanting the same. Often, the vitriol against the latter is coming from the same camps that support marriage equality for homosexuals. Strange, isn’t it? Maybe marriage isn’t the problem after all…”

She agrees. “It’s so interesting how mean women can be toward other women,” Gottlieb says. Then she reminds me of what brought us together in the first place; an article on mean girls at work. (We laugh at the memory of our first interview, when I was the subject, having been tormented by some unpleasant women masquerading as monsters in a previous place of employment.) Now the tables are turned, and I jokingly offer her my invisible can of Teflon coating. She chuckles, before we get serious again.

“If Greg Bahrendt (author of, He's Just Not That into You) had written this book, do you think he’d be getting the same criticism?” she asks. It’s doubtful, and as ironic as the fight for the support for same-sex marriage. If Gottlieb were a man, or a gay woman wanting to marry her lesbian lover, those who are criticizing her would most likely be singing a different tune. “Would they being saying, ‘his book is terrible for women’s self-esteem’ or criticize him for being ‘wacked out’ and worse, as I’ve been called?” Gottlieb asks rhetorically.

There’s not an ounce of self-pity in her voice, just a desire to demonstrate a sad point. Women are our own worst frenemies. For all the advances we’ve made via feminism, there’s a long way to go, not the least of which is that feminism never was about getting rid of marriage. On the contrary, it was – it is – about creating choices.

To quote that blogger extraordinaire, ‘moxieinthecity,’ again: “Feminism is about getting out from under the control of men and society and choosing our own path. It's about not being constrained by the opinions of men or society.” Even if those opinions are coming from the very camp to which Lori Gottlieb belongs – strong, capable, self-sufficient, educated and ambitious; Women who are also brave enough to say, “I want love. I want marriage. And I was looking for it in all the wrong ways and places.” As the Christian Science Monitor put it, 'Too many women overlook Mr. Good Enough in their search for Mr. Right.' That is why Modern Love says, kudos to Gottlieb for having the chutzpah to write this book.

For my review of Marry Him, read here. Visit Lori Gottlieb at her site and be sure to check out her book tour as well. Dr. Diana Kirschner’s book, Love in 90 days, is now available in paperback, and is a great read as well. For a review, click here. Finally, you can catch the latest from Moxieinthecity.net here.

Modern Love is not your average relationship column; it offers analysis beyond the news, scandals and stories. Sometimes serious, sometimes playful, often spicy, it seeks to deepen our understanding of love and help couples create more meaningful relationships.

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All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2010 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.