The No Power Rankings

Bassy after a miss (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

Here’s a bottom-up look at the dregs of the NBA, derived from the expert estimation of ESPN, CBSsports.com, USA Today, FoxSports.com, and, for a goof and to make a point, NBA.com (the whole idea of the NBA ranking its own teams is gross):

30. Kings (13-44)
29. Clippers (15-43)
28. Grizzlies (15-42)
27. Wizards (13-44)
26. Thunder (13-44)
25. Timberwolves (18-39)

These people are crazier than crap-house rats if they think the Twizzles are the best of the bottom-six bunch. The Hopkins Royals – “Go. Fight. Win.” – could steal a quarter from the Timberwolves. It seems that even the ghost of Al Jefferson puts lipstick on our piggish Wolves.

Now I feel guilty; like I just called my mom a bad name.

Sadly, the Wolves are probably the worst team in the league and were it not for their slight lead in the win column, which is near insurmountable at these depths, they’d finish last. Here’s a likely ending to this season of discontent:

30. Kings – In a recent eulogy, Britt Robson wrote that Rashad McCants “has enormous talent and a shameless lack of self-awareness.” He’ll cost the Kings games from karmic influence alone. “He’s a jinx, put him in da batroom!”
29. Grizzlies – The delusional in Graceland see recent wins over New Orleans and Toronto as signs of promise, ignoring that the Hornets played sans Chris Paul and David West, and that the Chris Bosh-less Raptors shot 29 percent from the floor. Their bench is thinner than a CSI: Miami storyline.
28. Thunder – If forced to watch a losing team, there are few teams more fun to watch. Oklahoma City agrees, and they’ll give Durant & Co. serious love down the stretch. The Thunder are my motel team.
27. Timberwolves – Before the Pacer game last week, a win seemed likely. The game was at home, the Pacers aren’t threatening, and Danny Granger wouldn’t play. After watching the Twizzles get dominated, it was clear that even without Granger, their starting line-up was still better than ours at almost every position.
26. Clippers – Zach Randolph not only looks a gift-horse in the mouth, he punches the pony out. Abject proclivity aside, he’s still that rare 20-and-10 guy and he's surrounded by more talent than any other team in this group.
25. Wizards – Brendan Haywood is getting healthy, and it looks like Arenas will hit hardwood again this year. Those two cats plus fringe all-star Caron Butler and a few other players that’d start on the Twizzles, and the Wiz are ripe to spoil. There's free money, too, if they’re willing to take it: Over the next 25, they have one game against each team in this inept set.

Whatever happens over the remainder of the season, the statistical nuts will evaluate the Timberwolves based on PER, +/-, and a panoply of other new-fangled data-driven segregators, and come up with all sorts of conclusions. But like air and water, a team’s value is composite and elemental.

What the Timberwolves need is fire, whether Jeff plays or not, and whether we win or lose.

A few years ago, John Thompson interviewed Kevin Garnett from the floor of Target Center. Emotional as he was, he still came off like a Mercury 7 astronaut; ready to bite through steel to break through the atmosphere that was containing him. We need some of that sauce. Players like Garnett get competitive in charity kickball games, and they know what it takes to win. Winners know when to shoot the ball (don’t see: Mike Miller) and when not to (don’t see: Sebastian Telfair).

It’s tough times these days, and even with more discount packages, an NBA game is still an expensive activity for a working-class family. Seeing any of our players jog through a game is/will be a slap in the face. As I write this piece they’re giving free bread away at Panera and the patrons couldn’t be more grateful. “Thanks for coming and here’s a little extra. Now go home and make some toast!” 

Come draft day, the Wolves could pick four times in the first round. By finishing with a whimper, the Wolves could draw more balls in the lottery. But if getting more balls requires a less ballsy-effort, then screw a hot dog, I’m staying home and making a sandwich with my free bread.