About a year ago, my son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Recently, while conducting some research for a future post on this site, I started to wonder, “how does ADHD affect a marriage. At first I was planning to write about spouses with ADHD. But then I came across some findings that on one hand, shocked me. But being that I’m the main caregiver to a child with ADHD, the second part of the findings didn't surprise me at all.
According to a recent article published by the Washington Post: “Couples who have a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are nearly twice as likely to divorce or separate as couples who do not have children with the psychiatric disorder.” Why? “Having a child who is inattentive or hyperactive can be extremely stressful for caregivers and can exacerbate conflicts, tensions and arguments between parents.”
Psychologists Brian Wymbs and William Pelham, launched the research, tracking families with and without children diagnosed with ADHD. According to the study and the article I just linked to, 12.6 percent of the parents of children without ADHD were divorced by the time the children were eight years old, the figure was 22.7 percent for parents of kids with the disorder.
The study also found that “regardless of whether they were dealing with easy or difficult children, parents who had ADHD children at home were three times as likely to be negative toward each other as parents who did not. Put another way, the parents of children with ADHD simply had less ability to respond to challenges with equanimity; they appeared to be psychologically worn thin.”
My husband has a very demanding job. I’m the main parent. There are many times I’m the only parent present for days. So the term, “worn thin”? Yeah. You’ve got that right.
But like John Grohol writes at Psych Central, “The answer isn’t just in a bottle of Adderall" (Though medication can help manage some of the symptoms) “A parent must rise to the challenge, and be prepared to work not only on helping their child with ADHD, but also on their own marital relationship.”
How do you do protect the state of your marital union? If you suspect your child has ADHD, bring up your concerns with your child’s pediatrician. From there, your pediatrician will be able to refer you to a testing site, therapist or pediatric neurologist. (Check with your insurance company as you proceed.) A diagnosis can help parents and the child understand certain behaviors as well as address issues. Another part of the equation is for the caretaker to take time for oneself. Recharge the ole emotional batteries.
Because trying to communicate with your spouse in front of your ADHD child can be stressful (lots of interruptions) and frustrating, date nights are especially important. Getting together to talk and enjoy each other’s company on a regular basis can go a long way in nuturing your bond.
Comments
Ouch !
While easier said than done > abandonment of your Child via Divorse is a couwards way out.
We all know that a Mother's Love for her Child will prob take over allowing Dad to "Visit on Weekends".
Another Single Parent doing the very best thay can with a child with special needs.
Our Prayers for all the Single Parents.
Parenting as a singleton is difficult. Parenting a special needs child as a singleton would far more so. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for those single parents who are parenting special needs kids.
And I should probably add this: whether someone is divorced or married, I figure everyone has to do what they feel is best for themselves and their families. Some relationships work out, some don't. Whether married or single, we're all just trying to do our best to raise great kids who turn out to be wonderful adults.
This goes into category of "No Duh, tell me something we didn't already know." The reason for this and we didn't need to spend research money to learn it is that ADHD kids are tough to parent & inevitably result in differences of opinion on how to deal with them. PLUS one parent is generally ADD themselves. In my case I have been historically inconsistent with my parenting because one day I have total sympathy for his plight and want to cut him some slack and then the next day I refuse to let him use his ADD as an excuse for his behavior. Hubby says I am inconsistent and therefore we fight.
My wife and I must work as a team. This takes careful planning and mutual agreement as to the structure we plan for our son, Alex.
Upon advice from a coach who specializes in working with ADHD kids, we formed an agreement, established the structure Alex needed and used cognitive programs to increase his skills. The most effective was Play Attention (www.playattention.com). To get Alex to do chores, we also used ADHD Nanny, (www.adhdnanny.com). These were godsends. Using a team approach keeps us from fighting because we look to each other for support. We are all much happier!
Outstanding article. I have compassion for those raising ADHD single-handedly & hope those people seek out support groups or family for extra help. Those who don't have that....well, they need it. I'm in over my head and at year 10 in our son's young life, can't imagine doing this without my husband, or with another high needs kid in the home. Because of near collapse this year, I've sought medical/counseling help and recently started a blog just to help me release some of the tension. If my blog helps anyone else going thru same thing, that's a bonus. Thank you for this article. Charlotte www.charlottesadhdweb.blogspot.com
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