If asked what the number one predictor of divorce might be, most people would probably answer that it would have to do with financial matters, or infidelity. While both of these are, in fact, often cited as key initiators in divorce, a more general predictor can be identified…. the habitual avoidance of conflict.
Researchers have spent many years trying to identify those elements of relationships that would predict certain results and one common thread of unhappy couples that get divorced appears to be the misguided belief that a happy marriage is a conflict-free marriage.
There is a cartoon that voiced this very well; a husband and wife are sitting in front of a marriage counselor and the wife is explaining: “We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting.”
When a couple has an argument, it is not uncommon for them to be unable to come to a resolution that both are happy with. In too many cases what ends up happening is that their frustration, or anger, ends up spilling over into other parts of their marriage. It would seem logical that if you were arguing with each other, it would be best to avoid each other and thus avoid continuing the conflict. However, the unintended consequences of this type of reaction actually make the situation worse. For example, if a couple is arguing over a particular issue, and things get overly heated, they are much less likely to make an effort to spend time together at a movie, or dinner. If they go to a child’s event, they’ll often try and avoid sitting near each other because they don’t want to continue the argument in public. They are so adamant about avoiding the “conflict” that they may end up avoiding the entire relationship.
According to Diane Sollee, Director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education (MFCE), “Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions."
How often do we hear the mantra that “communication is key” to any relationship? If our desire to avoid conflict causes us to stop communicating altogether then the marriage doesn’t stand a chance.
If you found this article informational, you might also enjoy the series on Marriage Education:
The successful marriage - Can it be learned?
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