After the honeymoon and sometime in the next couple of years (earlier for some), it dawns on you that you think you made a mistake. You love your spouse, but you aren’t ‘in love’ with them. You trudge through each day feeling like you’re in prison and trying to figure out how to tell your partner that you just don’t want them any more. You want your freedom back.
This is a very common scenario in today’s world. This is the day and age of instant gratification. If we want something, we get it immediately. If we are bored, we lose interest and get something else. Unfortunately, this kind of impulsiveness has devastating effects on families.
Marriage should not be disposable. Your partner is not a toy that you purchased to amuse you until you’re bored. When you took your marriage vows, did they not include “for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, ‘til death do us part”? This is a commitment, an obligation, a legal and many times religious joining of two people all rolled into one. You have made your partner your permanent family forever. Just as you normally wouldn’t divorce your parents or your children for being boring, so you should not dump your spouse for the same thing.
If you are unhappy in your marriage and feel like you’re stuck in prison, rather than think up excuses like “I’m not in love anymore”, you could work on improving your marriage. What can YOU do to change the way you communicate with your spouse? What if, instead of moping around in misery, you took some action such as counseling so that the two of you could work on this problem?
It is normal in any marriage to go through periods of time, (sometimes long periods of time) where you just don’t ‘feel the love’. It is during these times that your vows must come into play. What good is making a commitment if you don’t keep it? To tell your partner that you love them but are not IN love with them is not only cruel, but it is self-centered. If you really love your spouse, you will keep your vows and work on making their life better as well as your own.
Do you have issues that you’d like examined in this column? Contact me at: promarriage@hotmail.com
Comments
Very sound advice and I wish more couples thought this way but it seems like it's just too easy to give up instead of fight.
I was married very young, at 19 the first time. My ex (then husband) is 16 years old than I. For almost 10 years and 2 children I tried to make it work. Through better & worse, richer & poorer. It wasn't about falling out of love or being bored, it's about survival, mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually. Counseling didn't work, because I could change all I wanted and that wasn't going to change him. Sometimes divorce isn't a bad thing, it's a survival thing.
Great advice hope this helps many in this situation.
Rachael M. I completely agree with you. Sometimes, after trying to work on very serious problems, divorce might be the only option left. In future columns, I'll be examining some really tough issues that can contribute to the end of a marriage. This article dealt with those who are simply bored and get the idea that they aren't 'in love' any more. As if married couples should always feel 'in love'!
Marriage is an overall commitment, and a lifetime of learning. As you said, the overall "I want it now" attitude definitely lends credence to your comments, and it's a shame that so many don't understand that sometimes all it takes is understanding each others' needs, and communicating with each other.. Great article!
Great article.....And perfect picture to accompany it.
The title alone makes me glad I'm single!
Great advice. It's sad how many couples give up on each other these days instead of trying to remember why they got together in the first place.
Really good insight.
Great article. When I think back to my first year of marriage I can see how so many couples call it quits in that first year. It's no lie when 'they' say how tough that adjustment period is. If I'm being honest we didn't really hit our groove until year 3ish. All marriages have their valleys along with those soaring mountaintops - not to mention all that time in between - and you just do have to honor the commitment. Personally I think it's too easy to get a divorce. If a relationship is truly unhealthy, sure, but don't just bail. Yep, loved the article!
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