How many women are waiting for the big sparkle this holiday? The lines for diamonds were remarkably long this season with couples -- and men alone -- waiting to buy the commitment ring. But what about women dating men who cannot commit? Should women spend time, energy, and emotions on a man who may never be a part of their future?
Keep in mind that he may have a list of ideals—and you may well meet his 50 requirements. But once he realizes this, he will add another challenge, and then another. For you, it's about risks and benefits. This article is adapted from my Psychology Today column.With Love and Gratitude
Four Big Risks
Perspective: As the two of you become increasingly intimate, you begin to think to yourself—"I know he really likes me. I give him unlimited space, joyful sex, and we laugh a lot. This can work." Pinch yourself. You're delusional.
Self-Esteem: As you invest more of yourself in Mr. Non-Commitment, and he does not return the affection in little ways, you begin to feel unworthy. (What little ways? A card. Spur of the moment text. Week-end calls. (Even the Beltway Bachelor says no week-end call is a red flag.) A little gift. Flowers for no reason at all. None of this will happen. Snap out of it. It's not you. It's him.
Time: The time you invest in the man whom you wish could be Mr. Right, but who does not want to be anyone's Mr. Right, is time you take away from finding a loving companion. Have you thought about settling for Mr. Good Enough? (Video)
Heartbreak: If you are willing to risk the heartbreak of a man who cannot commit just make certain he is worthy of your tears.
Also, when the day comes for you to admit that he was you wishful-thinking-fantasy, you want to remain grateful for the joy you shared. So get out before you become angry. Bitterness is bad for your skin.
Is there any benefit to dating a man who cannot commit?
That is a question that each woman must answer for herself when she looks in the mirror and says, "I am hopelessly in love, but he is never going to marry me. Now what?"
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved
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