It's a sad fact of life that the world is filled with people who are less than bright. Not you or I, of course, fair reader, but those others? They're flat out dumb. Stupidity is everywhere, folks, from everyday people to the highest political offices in the land. Actually, you could make a case for "highest political offices" being stupid's most successful breeding ground these days. But I digress.
One of the biggest drawbacks of the Internet, besides food porn and Real Housewives updates is that people's dumb mistakes are constantly funneled to the internet's front page on a daily basis. Of course it makes sense. People like to feel superior to others (you know you do, don't deny it), so news outlets of varying integrity are constantly on the lookout for material that will pump up their readers' self-worth. (Not us, fair reader, because we know you're too smart to fall for tricks like that.) As a result, we're inundated each week with tales of the escapades of the world's biggest dummies.
Seriously, they're everywhere … and you need to stay vigilant. It's in that vein that we've rounded up this week's ten stupidest people and put them on display, so you can keep your eye trained for idiocy in your everyday life. We've also included some of Instagram's cutest kitties to help soften the blow of all that dumb.
Enjoy! And, please, please don't try any of this at home. If you do, though, take lots of pictures and send them to me so I can put you on a future installment of one of these stupidity roundups.
A picture of a dog pooping on the sidewalk is worth $50K
On eBay, right now, you can pick up a picture of a dog in a sweater for a measly $50,000. Yes, you read that right. eBay user thefinalzeus is trying to sell a black and white photo of a dog in a sweater dropping a deuce on a sidewalk.
But, he's not the moron here. The morons are the people who bumped the starting price of $25K up to a whopping 50 grand. For a picture of a dog taking a shi*t. The picture, brilliantly titled, "A Dog in a Sweater Doing Business" could climb even higher before the bidding stops in four days.
This isn't even an issue of people with too much money to spend. It's an issue of a large group of people who are completely unaware that behind cat pics, boobs and pictures of food, dog's defecating is like the easiest thing to find on the Internet. Just do a couple of Google Image Searches, people. You'll have enough "art" to line your walls for decades to come.
The fatal gun selfie
On Sunday, super genius Oscar Aguilar went out drinking with his friends in Mexico City. That's not outright dumb for a 21-year-old, of course, but when Oscar came home that evening with a group of friends to while the night away, he decided the moment was right to take an epic selfie. Super vain (and boring), but still not dumb.
Aguilar's neighbor, Manfredo Paez Paez was in his backyard at the time. He said he heard normal party commotion, followed by a gunshot, followed by screaming.
You see, in an effort to satisfy his selfie addiction, Aguilar had begun playing with a loaded gun (because you can't be impressive without a little firepower). Unsurprisingly, the firearm went off and Aguilar died on the way to the hospital, just the latest in a long string of morons accidentally killing themselves in order to get the perfect snapshot.
The Big Bang Theory stars get paid more money each week than you'll ever have
After briefly halting production this week thanks to prolonged contract negotiations, the three stars of CBS' The Big Bang Theory each signed deals to earn a million dollars per episode for the next three seasons. That's $72 million guaranteed over the next three years. Jim Parsons, Johnny Galecki and Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting also stand to make an additional $18 million each after, "other payments such as signing bonuses and production deals."
I know it's not exactly a new argument, but is there anything dumber than someone getting paid millions and millions to play dress up for America while people who actually do real work like teachers and cops (and lowly editors) are barely able to eek out a living?
This happens every year in tons of fields (few of which actually serve to make the world a better place). This specific event is hurtful on a personal level, though. After all, Jim Parsons is going to make $24 million next year and Amy Poehler will just be lucky to have a job. That there is a high crime of the stupidest order.
Sex cream gets cop fired
A police officer in Miami Beach was rehired to the force last Thursday, a victory that ends a nearly 18-month legal battle. You see, in February, Officer Reinaldo Casas was fired after he tested positive for cocaine.
In spite of his questionable history with the department, Casas swore up and down that he had never once knowingly ingested cocaine. And, eventually, that was proven to be true. He had never ingested cocaine. What he'd done, however, was unknowingly smear cocaine all over his privates.
As it turns out, Casas had recently purchased a cream from "an old Cuban guy" that promised to heighten his sexual experience to untold levels. Why the detective was unable to find "old Cuban guy" again, and why he didn't stop to question the validity of what must have been a pretty shady deal are both questions left for another time.
Casas, however, isn't the targeted dummy of this section. No, it's the Miami Beach PD who are the real idiots here. Not only did a panel decide that Casas' story was legitimate, they gave him his job back and paid him for the time he'd spent fighting his termination. Knudsen said it best: "It truly does defy logic that a detective, someone who’s deductive reasoning skills are theoretically better than most, would buy unmarked lubricant from someone he doesn’t know, then slather his genitals with it."
How does this man still have a job?!
Tara Reid … just, just Tara Reid
Tara Reid just released a new perfume called "Shark" based on, you guessed it, her role in the popular schlockfest Sharknado. The starlet, who you might recognize from being drunk and passed out on various beaches, told US Weekly, "When I first did [Sharknado], it was called Dark Skies, so I thought, 'Okay, it's not gonna sound so bad on my resume...it'll be fine,'" Reid explained. "And then, all of a sudden...they're like, 'We're changing the name to Sharknado.' And I said, 'Oh my god. This is it. My career is over.'"
Apparently, a silly movie name was the first sign to Tara Reid that doing a straight-to-TV SyFy film might not exactly be a shining spot on her resume. Anyway, the film - as we all know - turned out to be an inexplicable sensation and now Reid is able to convince herself that her career isn't a steaming pile of mockery.
Can't honestly decide if it's Reid who's the dummy here, or the people who will definitely line up to ironically buy her perfume … that's a question for the ages.
Americans who are afraid of getting ebola
Every day this week, America has been provided updates on the ebola virus' spread through the rest of the world. In Africa and Asia, it's a real concern. In America, you have better things to worry about.
Let's start here. No matter what Fox News, CNN and even the President try to tell you, "[a]mongst humans, Ebola is transmitted by contact with infected bodily fluids and/or tissues." What that means is that you can only catch ebola if you come into contact with the bodily fluids of someone who's already infected. That's it.
Ebola is not airborne. It doesn't live in water. If you live in a country where people are able to wash their hands or handle sick people with some semblance of responsibility, you will not catch ebola.
Don't get me wrong, people living in Africa could have an issue on their hands, but in America, you're safe. You should be more worried about getting struck by lightning. What you should not be doing is listening to Donald Trump (and that's just good life advice).
Teacher showed up to work drunk, removed pants
Few things are more embarrassing than that one teacher who just doesn't know when to act like an adult. You know the one I'm talking about, the one who tries to relate to you with slang that's way too young for them, the ones who try to hang out with the kids outside the classroom or friend you on Facebook. Well, one Oklahoma teacher took "fitting in" to the extreme on Monday when she showed up to class completely sauced.
Even better, it was her first day on the job. Police were summoned to a Wagoner, Oklahoma school after faculty found Lorie Ann Hill completely 'faced in an empty classroom. The cherry on the cake - Hill wasn't wearing any pants.
Hill was booked on suspicion of public intoxication, understandably, but the real people at fault here are the guys who hired a reckless drunk to help them shape young minds. At least school doesn't start until Thursday, so no kids were around to witness this woman’s sad, sad mid-life crisis. Of course, that's not a lot of time to find a replacement, but we can't imagine anyone who could have a worse first day than Lorie Ann Hill.
Corporate inversions are not the company's fault (for once)
You'd be hard pressed to find a guy who hates big companies more than me. More and more, the word is out that the bigger they are, the less they care about their employees, their customers and the world in general. So, it's not surprising that when tax rates began to soar and companies began relocating from America to pretty much anywhere else, that the government seized on people's hatred of rich people and painted these corporations as cartoonish super-villains.
The practice, called corporate inversion, isn't the dumb thing here. Corporations are in the business of making money. That might seem blatantly obvious to you, but it's not obvious to the people who run the government. Guess what, if you cut into a business' profit margins, they're going to find a way to make that money back. What's more, in spite of whatever their marketing campaigns tell you, big businesses don't give a crap about America. They'll sell their product to whoever will buy it, and they'll put down stakes in any country that will let them do so on the cheap.
The morons here aren't the greedy jerks who are leaving the United States. Sure they're jerks, but they're not stupid. No, the real idiots are the ones who created a system wherein companies felt compelled to leave so they could protect their bottom line.
Juggalos kill roommate for disrespecting ICP
There's a reason that the FBI considers juggalos a gang, and it's not just because of their criminally bad combination of musical taste and fashion sense. For those of you blissfully unaware of what a juggalo is, allow me to explain. A juggalo is a fan of the horrible, horrible white-boy rap group Insane Clown Posse. Yes, the group's name is exactly as uninspired as it sounds.
Essentially, these two dummies dress in clown paint and rap about … well, I couldn't say honestly, but I'd guess something to do with trailers and being a poor, white person? Think of it like country music, but angrier, louder, and - if possible - dumber. If a meth lab could be converted into music, it would be an Insane Clown Posse song. Insane Clown Posse acolytes are "of concern" to law enforcement officials because they like to get drunk and break things. Things like other people's jaws.
This week, reports surfaced that two self-proclaimed juggalos, Paul Martin Hurst and Cary Lee Edwards, brutally attacked and set on fire a roommate of theirs, purely because he disrespected Insane Clown Posse. According to the clowns in question, the victim, 31-year-old Zachary Swanson, "had to pay the consequences” for disrespecting maybe the least respected band in all of show business. Swanson suffered "fractures to his nasal area and face, 11 broken ribs, a lacerated liver and bleeding in his brain." Oh, and he had to get his arm amputated below the elbow.
If one person dissing ICP is enough to set these beasts off, no one better introduce them to the Internet or things could get really ugly.
Trump is suing Trump
On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced that he would be suing Trump Entertainment Resorts. Why, you ask? Because the Donald doesn't appreciate the way his hotels and casinos are being run.
Right now, Trump only owns about ten percent of of Trump Entertainment Resorts. It's that ten percent that allows those guys to plaster Donald Trump's name across their craptastic resorts. He says the fact they bare his name has a big, negative impact on his reputation.
And there's the stupid, folks. You mean to tell me Donald Trump, the biggest blowhard this side of the Atlantic, is worried that some of the properties he doesn't even own are dragging down his reputation. It's not his repeated accusations that Obama is a Kenyan, it's not him saying Donald Sterling's girlfriend was wrong for exposing the Clippers' owners bigotry, it's not even that there's an entire Facebook page devoted to his idiocy.
Nope, it's the rundown hotels in a city people haven't visited since Nucky Thompson was in charge. Even more, the jerk didn't need to drag the media into the issue. Like Waananen points out, "he could solve his own problem by simply selling off his stake quietly and moving along, perhaps using that money for the Buffalo Bills. However, we know you better than that, Mr.Trump. Instead of a Twitter tantrum, he’s just throwing a legal one."
LA Facebook users freak the geek out
At some point last week, Facebook went dark for almost an entire hour. The Internet's home for pictures of kids you never wanted to look at experienced some minor turbulence which made it impossible for users to let the rest of the world know what food they were about to eat.
If you're a normal person with a couple of brain cells to rub together, you might see an error page on Facebook.com, sigh in exasperation and then turn on the TV. Or check out what's going on on Twitter. Or Instagram. Or Tumblr. Or any of the seemingly hundreds of sites out there that are specifically designed to waste your time.
LA Facebook users took a different path. They chose to flood the LA 911 call center with concerned calls, forcing one California Sergeant to tweet: "#Facebook is not a Law Enforcement issue, please don’t call us about it being down, we don’t know when FB will be back up!”
Facebook did eventually come back online, leaving survivors with tales of The Great Facebook Blackout of ‘14 to be told for generations to come.