No matter how you slice it, moving is not fun. Moving in with a partner is even worse, because you never have an emotional attachment to your stuff until someone tries to throw it out. You start asking loaded questions like, “Why do you need two bookshelves of books that you have never read?”
And then there are boxes. The black market price of boxes skyrockets when you’re moving. If you are lucky enough to find some boxes rummage around the supermarket garbage, they probably smell like yeast or old vinegar. This is fine if you’re moving into a wine cellar and terrible if you’re moving into a condo on the east side.
To make matters worse, you need your friends help. Everyone has advice, but no one wants to help. So in the spirit of efficiency and making sure you still have friends to come to your new house, here are the new rules for helping a friend move.
1. Keep your beer, but you better have Gatorades
Forget trying to lure me in by promising some middle-of-the-road six pack of beer. I have $8, I could easily have saved my Saturday morning. What you better have is ready, waiting, and chilled is Gatorades. If you can plan ahead enough to get a 10’ U-Haul, you figure out how to save your friends from dying in the Texas heat.
2. If you didn’t want scratches, you should have paid movers
The only difference between moving and looting, is that no one is a bossy asshole when you’re looting. Your friends are simply volunteers, a shade above basic grunts. Be prepared to get the mover quality you paid for. Sure, that Ikea end table means a lot to you, but to your friends it looks like cheap particle board and they could be watching True Detective right now.
3. If you use phrases like “right-wase” or “your down”, we’re gone
Yes, couches are big, and hard to move. And for the sake of argument let’s assume a normal couch, can fit through a normal door. Now it’s not a matter of figuring out how to move your couch out, not a half hour discussion about if it will fit. After the couch is airborne, effectively communication is key. Helpful expressions include “move to your left”, and “rotate to your clockwise”. Unhelpful expressions include “just slide the direction I’m nodding”, “my hands hurt”, and “fine just set it down and let someone stronger take over”.
4. Box it up before your friends get there
Your friends woke up early, and drove to your house to strain their back carrying awkward heavy boxes. Don’t waste their time wrapping up your pint glasses too. Having your stuffed boxed and the Goodwill items separated demonstrates that you respect your friends. Also who wants their friends judging the gross leftover food at the back of your pantry. By the way any box that is sealed before your get there and labeled “bathroom” is definitely sex stuff.
5. We’re not you maid. You clean.
We're not your maid. If we're not responsible for the stain on your carpet, then we're not cleaning it. When it comes to cleaning gunk off the walls or getting behind your toilet, you're on your own.
6. The person who has moved the most is in charge
Sure, you may be paying the 30 cents per mile for the truck, but whoever knows how to get the job done the fastest is in charge. Loading a moving truck is basically adult Tetris, and making the high score could mean the difference between 3 trips across town and 1 trip. Put your ego aside and let the person who knows what’s going on take over.