Everybody has some sort of useless gadget lying around the house. The most obvious places are the garage, the attic or in a cupboard under the sink. Maybe even the pantry.
You know what I’m talking about, the Amco Bell Pepper Prepper, the Ronco Pocket Fishing Rod, George Foreman Grill, Laser-Guided Scissors, a Teenager who texts during dinner or the self-stirring coffee mug. The list goes on and on.
After exhaustive research I have come up with a handful of worthless kitchen thingamajigs that are truly tools of futility and will set you back a pretty penny.
Warning! These doodads are pathetic, insignificant, trivial utensils, and after that alert I’m sure that thousands will go out and purchase them. Maybe even some of the bright readers of this column.
I’m detailing them on today’s List, but before I do, there is one that is absolutely mind boggling to me and it is today’s featured worthless piece of junk.
The Chef’s Banana Slicer at $9.95 is described as fun and easy to use, with an innovative design. Much like any knife I have in the kitchen. It’s barely worth the shipping, handling and tax. Couple this handy gizmo with the patented Banana Guard at $10.99 and you will feel like you’re on a banana plantation. The Banana Guard is a plastic yellow case for your banana. The only problem is all bananas are not shaped alike and the eleven dollars a throw is for only one banana. The bunches I buy usually have eight or nine, so I’m not spending ten bucks for a slicer and another hundred bucks to store them. Sorry Elvis.
Read on for some equally idiotic contraptions.
Onion Goggles are my preferred eye protection when I’m chopping in the kitchen. They even work when you are dicing and slicing onions, leeks, scallions, even when I’m choppin’ broccoli. The sleek design has a foam seal and anti-fog lenses for those hot humid days standing over the cutting board. Even comes with a handy storage case. Only $19.99
Heated Butter Knife
How a heated butter knife? If you are too lazy to set out a stick of butter on the counter or nuke it for 10 seconds you can purchase a heated butter knife that runs on twin AA batteries and at the push of a button in 30 seconds you have butter knife blade that is heated at 107.4 degrees. If that’s not enough it comes with an LED light to help when you are buttering toast in a drunken stupor during the middle of the night!
Automatic Salt & Pepper Mills
Cuisinart has a stainless steel rechargeable salt and pepper mill for only $49.99 a pop. Forget those McCormick disposal salt or pepper mills for 3 bucks each, these babies will dazzle your next dinner party. One-handed operation an LED light and a ringed adjustment for fine to coarse settings, this tool makes seasoning a snap!
Twirling Spaghetti Fork
If you are already exhausted from using you banana gadgets, onion goggles, butter knife and automatic salt mills, relax. Now you can sit down to a bowl of pasta with the remarkable motor-powered self-twirling spaghetti fork for only $9.99. Again, that’s each; a pasta party for six will gouge you for over sixty bucks. But the reward is there. Just switch it on, jab it in the noodles and let the fork do all the work. Also a great time saver and worth it for those suffering from carpal-tunnel syndrome.
I have spun all these great ideas together to use on one tasty recipe that will have the whole dinner smiling.
Pasta with Anchovy Butter
3 Cloves Garlic, Smashed
6 Anchovy Filets, Chopped
4 Tbs. Olive Oil
¼ Tsp. Red Pepper Flakes
4 Sticks Softened Butter
½ Cup Pecorino Cheese, Grated
2 Lb. Bucatini, Cooked and Drained
1 Bunch Broccoli Rabe, Chopped & Cooked
1 Cup Panko Bread Crumbs
Sea Salt/Freshly Ground Black Pepper
Position Onion Goggles on head and adjust.
Slice butter with heated knife and melt with olive oil in a pan. Cook garlic and anchovies for minute and add Panko crumbs. Stir frequently until golden, stir in red pepper and transfer to a plate.
Place noodles in a pasta serving dish, add garlic/anchovy/breadcrumb mixture. Add broccoli rabe and toss. Season with electric salt and pepper mills and top with cheese.
Place a serving in a pasta bowl with self-twirling fork, remove goggles and enjoy.