In a 2010 study out of the Family Relations Department at Guelph University in Guelph Ontario, graduate student Jocelyn Wentland wanted to find out what the true statistics were for women and casual sex. The results were a little bit alarming. 32% of women reported that they had been involved in a casual sex relationship, also known as a friends with benefits or hookup buddy situation, and were fine with it.
Wentland used this data to suggest that more women today were getting more confident about their sexuality and not having so much anxiety about casual relationships. It is a wonderful testament to the growing empowerment of women.
But what about those women that find themselves in a casual relationship, and aren't so okay with it? It is not exclusive to women either, many men find themselves as casual side dishes almost as frequently as women.
With trends like ghosting and the mermaid theory occurring more and more frequently in the Toronto dating scene and beyond, this would mean that more and more people are finding themselves in casual relationships without even knowing it, or wanting it. It leads to a lot of broken hearts. Is he using you for sex? Or is she? What dating advice can we give to them?
Dating Advice from Jodi Arias
One of the biggest causes for those hearts that are broken is a lack of communication. The case of Jodi Arias is a classic example. As we discussed previously, one of the biggest dating mistakes Jodi Arias made was only asking for half a loaf, staying with a man for sexual reasons only when she clearly wanted more.
If you want more, you are allowed to go after it. And if you don't, communicate that clearly or you could wind up hurting one of your closest friends beyond repair.
Another thing you can do to save yourself from the gutting pain of just being used for sex is by waking up to the signs that it is happening. If Jodi had the insight and wherewithal to accept that she was only Travis Alexander's side dish, things might be different today.
One thing that is not disputable is that she clearly loved Travis with everything that she had. She literally gave her life for him. Although there is no justification for the horrific choices that she made, that kind of love actually IS blind. She either didn't see it, or she refused to accept it, the most common relationship advice known to man. Don't swim in the River DaNile.
Are you making the same dating mistakes? Just because you are does not mean you are going to become the next Jodi Arias. But it could mean that you might become the next victim of a big ol' broken heart. Here are some signs that your lover is just using you for sex, and isn't going to make you their long term exclusive thing any time soon.
Late night weekdays are the only times you ever hear from him/her.
In the Sex and the City movie sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw made this point very clear with her new assistant. If he is contacting you after 11 PM, bootie call is the only thing on his mind in that moment. But don't judge a man or your girlfriend by one or two late night texts.
If that is the ONLY time that you hear from them, that is a red flag. An even bigger one according to Patti Stanger, third generation matchmaker and star of Bravo's "Millionaire Matchmaker" is you only get weekday time with him. She told J Mag if he is not giving you Saturday night, he's not serious about you. "The girl who gets the Saturday night date is the star."
Is he only ever able to squeeze you in at lunch on Tuesdays? Maybe after work drinks on Thursdays? But oops. Boss called him in for overtime again this weekend. And that will be the same excuse you hear from him weekend after weekend. This in the relationship advice world is a big red flag that he only needs you for one thing, and only needs that in between all of the other things in his life that he cares about more, which is basically everything.
Relationship advice tip number 8 thousand and 12. Be busy when he calls if he isn't making time for you in the top shelf hours. And watching your nails dry counts as busy if he isn't giving you the respect you want, need, and deserve.
Plans are never firm.
You've had lots of dates. Lots of really, really great dates. But you never know when you are going to see them again for sure. They make a point of keeping you hooked, an email or text here or there. They are rare and seldom, but when they arrive they are always sweet, sexy, and keep you feeling buzzed enough about the person to keep you hooked, but they aren't coming with pure intentions.
When you bring up seeing them again you hear words like "soon" and "I'll call you". And when you finally do see them, it's only when it is convenient for them, and only after you have chased them down. SheKnows.com reports that frequently canceled plans are another big red flag that fall under this category.
The best relationship advice or dating advice you can take from this is that someone that cares about you and wants a long term thing with you, or even just a thing where you are the only one they obsess and care about does not need to be chased. They will tell you they want to see you for breakfast tomorrow, lunch on Tuesday, and all day Saturday if you are free. You don't wonder when you see them again because you already know.
The day before Travis died was an unplanned road trip where Jodi literally showed up out of nowhere after an 8 hour drive. That just doesn't happen between real boyfriends and real girlfriends.
Unless you are just being used for sex.
Surprise them on occasion, absolutely. Communicate big situations like that? Absolutely. You have a life. If he doesn't want to be a firm part of that, he is sending you a very clear message.
You don't go out in public, and don't know who any of their friends are.
Maybe you talk about them over dinner, but have you ever met them? Your family applies here as well. Obviously you both talk about your family on occasion, "My mom said this the other day, " or "heading over after I hang with my bestie". But you have never met them.
And you probably never will.
If they don't really want to go out in public with you, it's because they don't want to date you, they only want to have sex with you, and this is dating advice that will break your heart if you ignore it.
One of the bones of contention between Travis and Jodi the day that he died was an issue of a Cuba trip. Travis was going to Cuba with some of his friends, and also with another woman who was allegedly romantically involved with him. Jodi was not included in this part of Travis's life, and she was not happy about that.
Jennifer Willmott, second chair for the defense of Jodi Arias acknowledged this in her opening statements of the Jodi Arias trial that Jodi was Travis's dirty little secret.
He was only using her for sex, and he just didn't want to tell her that. Why would he need to bring her on his trip if he already had everything that he needed around him at the time? Jodi knew that, and the bulk of the speculations about her motive was that this is precisely why Travis died.
He says everything you want to hear when you're together.
He's Mr. Charming, that's why you are crazy about him and love dating him. But you hardly ever hear from him when you are apart, because he doesn't really mean it. When you do, it's sweet and sexy, but that's because he is keeping you hooked. When you're together, he wants to show you the world. Buy you a house baby, and have a great life together.
He is saying those things because he knows you won't sleep with him unless you can picture a future with him. And he wants to sleep with you. He's not thinking about tomorrow. He's thinking about sleeping with you. As soon as possible. So he does what he's gotta do to meet his end game.
Travis Alexander did the exact same thing with Jodi, and she probably knew it. She used her vixen ways to make sure she kept him hooked. Their 1800 page text dossier that was presented during the guilt phase of her trial shows that they both said everything the other wanted to hear exactly when they wanted to hear it. It also shows that she was just as guilty of using him for sex as he was, definitely even more so in so many ways.
Case in point.
The day Travis died? After cleaning up the crime scene as best as she could, she took off to go visit, and have sex with, her other boyfriend Ryan. Jodi was just as guilty of this as Travis was, the one difference was that she meant what she said to him.
He comes off as standoffish.
When it comes to dating advice, standoffish men are the ones that most gurus and experts will tell you to stay away from. But one very important piece of relationship advice you need to keep alongside that one is that you should never confuse standoffish with shy. There are shy men out there that will make you chase them, are too afraid to ask you out for Saturday night, and so on. So they can be very easy to mistake for standoffish guys who only want you for sex.
How can you tell the difference? What do you know about him? What do you know about him reeeeallly?
Is your knowledge of him so limited that you need to think to answer questions about him by your friends? Or is it so casual that you haven't even mentioned it to your friends yet because you are still waiting for him to launch that "awkward conversation"? If you think you have a shy one on your hands, The Toronto Love Doctor offers some awesome tips on how to know the difference between a shy guy and a guy that's just not that into you.
Healthy relationships include frequent communication where the couple is on a continuous quest of getting to know the other person. There is no excuse, not distance, not a massive work schedule, not a crazy family, not being shy, not anything that precludes someone from making an effort with you if they want something more than sex.
If he is leaving critical getting to know you stuff out in your chats, it's because he is either hiding something, or simply doesn't want you to know critical stuff because he doesn't want you to get too close. He only wants you for sex.
Jodi knew a lot about Travis Alexander, probably everything as she was one of the best stalkers of all time. But she was never really included in much of it, and her knowledge of what he was really like as a person was limited because he kept her at arms length on purpose. They were only using each other for sex.
Did you discover some things about your relationship that made you uncomfortable? These tips apply to both men and women as we can obviously see that Jodi Arias was certainly one lady who enjoyed using others for sex, as much as she enjoyed complaining about being the victim. But you can separate yourself from this mentality and rise above it by some authentic conversations with your Self.
Don't commit any Jodi Arias dating mistakes, and follow that instinct and trust your Self enough to really go after what you want. Love is blind, and it can be very easy to ignore the most obvious red flags of them all when we really want to be with someone.
But what would you rather? Would you rather be with someone who isn't meeting your needs and giving you what you want? Or would you rather surrender to your highest Self and let go of that which is no longer serving you so that you can grab onto what you truly deserve. A whole loaf!
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