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2014 March Madness Celebrity Selfie Tournament, Round 2 results, West Region

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There are always upsets in the early rounds of the NCAA Tournament. It has happened here as well. But if you are tuning in to see Justin Bieber fall from the West Regional selfie-bracket as he has fallen from grace, just like the people who buy his albums, you are going to be disappointed.

Do not despair. The likes of Tom Cruise, Honey Boo Boo and at least one Miley Cyrus entry are making an early exit. The Match Ups:

1 Justin Bieber with Selena Gomez v 16 The Jersey Shore cast
2 Tom Cruise v 15 Sharon Stone (James Franco)
3 Drake v 14 Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson
4 Woody Harrelson v 13 Charlie Sheen
5 Miley Cyrus with new haircut v 12 Lady Gaga
6 Matt Damon v 11 Zach Galifianakis
7 Adele v 10 Mila Kunis
8 Honey Boo Boo v 9 Zayn Malik w Mickey Mouse

The Results

1 Justin Bieber v 16 Jersey Shore
1 Justin Bieber v 16 Jersey Shore Biebs/MTV

1 Justin Bieber v 16 Jersey Shore

From number of fans, to results of an STD test, there is not one contest in which anyone from the Jersey Shore can beat Justin Bieber. This now includes selfie pics. Throw Selena Gomez into the shot, and Bieber is going to go far in this tournament, if not in life.

Yes, we are whole-heartedly envious.

Winner: Justin Bieber and good hygiene

2 Tom Cruise v 15 James Franco
2 Tom Cruise v 15 James Franco Cruise/Franco

2 Tom Cruise v 15 James Franco

This match up was originally slated to include Sharon Stone. A selfie search for Miss Stone uncovered disturbing photos the likes of which would have offended Geraldo Rivera. James Franco has emerged as a wildly less offensive alternative.

Despite being a tool himself, Tom Cruise would have slaughtered Sharon Stone in the eyes of our judges. But, James Franco's selfie is not only bare-bodied Sharon-Stone free, it's got a tiger in it. That scored higher than Cruise's Katy Holmes accessory.

Winner: James Franco and tiger

3 Drake v 14 Chad "Ocho CInco" Johnson
3 Drake v 14 Chad "Ocho CInco" Johnson Drake/Ocho CInco

3 Drake v 14 Chad "Ocho CInco" Johnson

Faced with two negative alternatives the judges sought solace in our Kate Upton photos. Pressed to tackle the job at hand the panel concluded, to a one, that they detest Drake more than they even care about Chad Johnson.

When it was explained that if they don't care about Ocho Cinco selfies, then perhaps few others will either, and it could detract from the success of the tournament. One particularly emotional and vocal judge noted any chance Drake had of advancing is wholly dashed by the presence of Kris Jenner.

"Winner": Ocho Cinco and irrelevance

4 Woody Harrelson v 13 Charlie Sheen
4 Woody Harrelson v 13 Charlie Sheen Harrelson/MGM Inc.

4 Woody Harrelson v 13 Charlie Sheen

Both of these men have a fairly well developed sense of humor. Until one of them went insane apparently without the destructive influence of large amounts of narcotics, Charlie Sheen would have throttled Woody Harrelson.

Now, Charlie Sheen's photos are as difficult to look at as his claims of not being under the influence of narcotics are to listen to. Substituting a photo of Platoon costar Willem Dafoe is a courtesy to our readers and judges alike, but did not sway the results.

Winner: Woody Harrelson

5 Miley Cyrus with new haircut v 12 Lady Gaga
5 Miley Cyrus with new haircut v 12 Lady Gaga Miley/Lady

5 Miley Cyrus with new haircut v 12 Lady Gaga

Trying to find a post-Hannah Montana photo of Miley Cyrus that is not rife with her licking or dry humping something is no small task. The attached is wonderful, even likeable. If you did not know her recent past, you'd think the person pictured is not suffering from an advanced attention famine.

Anything pertaining to Lady Gaga that does not have bodily fluid as a central theme is similarly rare. Knowing each of their history, the judges deem Miley far less deserving of empathy, though possessing a comparable need of therapy.

Winner: Lady Gaga

6 Matt Damon v 11 Zach Galifianakis
6 Matt Damon v 11 Zach Galifianakis Wenn.com/Warner Bros.

6 Matt Damon v 11 Zach Galifianakis

This contest was as difficult to judge as the Drake/Ocho Cinco match, but for the opposite reason. Whereas the judges were loathe to advance either Drake or 85, they were nonplussed at the prospect of eliminating either Matt Damon or Zach Galifianakis.

When the request to replace Drake with this slot's loser was denied, Galifiamakis was begrudgingly let go, ultimately citing how he is far, far less attractive.

Winner: Matt Damon

 

7 Kristin Stewart v 10 Mila Kunis
7 Kristin Stewart v 10 Mila Kunis Stewart/Kutcher

7 Kristin Stewart v 10 Mila Kunis

An Adele selfie is as difficult to find as is a radio station that did not grind her otherwise beautiful music into the ground. This Cameron Diaz/Kristen Stewart/Lindsay Lohan selfie, thus, slides into the #7 spot, with the desperate task of taking on half of America's new hoplessly adorable couple. What Diaz does for Stewart is more than undone by Lindsay Lohan, and Stewarts own deplorable behavior.

Winner: Mila Kunis

8 Honey Boo Boo v 9 Zayn Malik w Mickey Mouse
8 Honey Boo Boo v 9 Zayn Malik w Mickey Mouse Disney/Boo Boo

8 Honey Boo Boo v 9 Zayn Malik w Mickey Mouse

Take any member of the still astoundingly irresistible super group One Direction, put him alongside his outrageously beautiful girlfriend and take a picture of them. Now compare that to any photo of the hypnotically tragic Honey Boo Boo. What you have is an upset to rival the Wisconsin/American University massacre. For good measure throw Mickey Mouse in with the favorite. Now what you have is more akin to the Titanic v Iceberg mismatch.

Winner: Zayn Malik, Mickey Mouse, Iceberg

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