Effectiveness isn't a product of being busy.
There is a common misperception in the workplace that effective and productive people fit into the go-getter, proactive, or highly organized mold. While it may be true that these people are often rewarded for their seemingly productive ways, their productivity levels are actually well below those of the effective slacker.
Go-getters are always busy but they only focus on tasks that get noticed by executives. These tasks are usually highly visible but rarely important to the success of the company.
Proactive types are also always busy but their proactiveness leads to an eventual interference of completing higher priority work.
Highly organized employees waste their lives away inside Microsoft Project and their FranklinCovey weekly planner.
On the other hand, the effective slacker quietly performs all the duties required of him perfectly and quickly. An effective slacker always delivers on time, usually because they had it done months ago and made sure no one else was aware. Regardless, the effective slacker is the invisible engine of Fortune 500 corporations. Without them, large organizations are just a large stack of cards waiting to crumble.
An effective slacker solves problems the easy way. One could argue they are the mathematicians of the workplace. Just as a true mathametician is lazy and searches for the quickest, easiest and most effective way to solve a problem, an effective slacker also spends his very short workday devising the fastest route to the best solution.
Though rarely promoted or given positive feedback, effective slackers are often paid more than the managers above them due to the company's reliance on their knowledge and efficiency. This large salary is usually unknown among other coworkers who make thousands of dollars less, because they are too focused on attaining a "Senior" prefix in their position title.
More importantly, an effective slacker has a very low stress level. Their physical presence may be 30-36 hours a week, but actual work time usually hovers between 20-25 hours per week. This is not true of the highly motivated type who spend their entire adult lives at the office.
To help others become effective slackers, here are the seven habits of highly effective slackers:
1. Don't volunteer yourself for anything. Whether a request comes via email or in a meeting, don't ever get yourself involved in something that isn't mandatory. If no one else volunteers, they'll eventually assign someone. Until they do, bank on the fact that a go-getter will jump at the opportunity and fail miserably. Getting yourself into non-mandatory activities only threatens to reduce your free time, or even worse, increase your physical hours at work. The one exception is actual volunteer work. Anything that gets you out of the office is ok in the effective slacker handbook.
2. Always send emails when making a request to another employee. Others at the office love to schedule 30 - 60 minute meetings to make sure "everything is covered" or to schedule a "kickoff" or "walkthrough" before handing off an "action item" to another employee. Using these tactics ultimately leads to schedules packed with unnecessary meetings. An empty outlook calendar is the true sign of a highly effective slacker, unless this tactic is used. Emails that end with "if you have any questions or concerns feel free to contact me" are basically a legal disclaimer that translate to "I sent it to you. If it doesn't get done and I'm not aware of you not getting it done, or your inability to not get it done, it's your fault, not mine." Many experts disagree and advise personal conversation. 90% of your work does not require personal conversation.
3. Never inform people that you finish things early. Delivering on time is just as good. There's no reason to be over ambitious. Getting things done early is highly recommended but only for your own advantage. For example, when forced into meetings, try to listen closely during the first portion of the meeting. You can usually clue in on what the "action items" are and complete them before the end of the meeting. Highly organized people will be in charge of determining the timeline for your "deliverables". They are usually completely clueless and they'll give you way too much time to complete the item. When you find out they just gave you three days on an item you already completed, it is highly imperative to keep your mouth shut. Finding out you just received three days to do absolutely nothing is like waking up on Christmas morning as a child and finding Nintendo's Rad Racer under the tree.
4. Follow the instructions on How to sneak out of the office early (and often). Not being at work doesn't make you less effective. You already finished everything.
5. Never skip lunch or eat lunch at your desk. Even eating at the corporate cafeteria is dangerous. Eating lunch at your desk is like landing on Free Parking and not taking the cash in the middle. Your employer is obligated to give you a lunch break. Leave. Staying at your desk could not only result in working during the lunch hour but it may also result in additional afternoon work. The less hours you are present at the office, the less likely you are of obtaining unneeded additional work. Most requests that come during the lunch hour are very low priority items that eventually fall off the map if you're unavailable. If you're feeling lucky, try the 2 hour lunch.
6. Never allow others to take credit for your work. Go-getters and other related types of employees love to take credit for other people's work. As an incredibly lazy member of your office, you need to ensure that all of your work is credited to you. Your deliverables are all you have because it's the only work you do between the internet browsing and coin flips for cold beverages in the break room. Without your impressive deliverables you are the the guy who takes long lunches and is next in line for being laid off. To prevent go-getters from taking credit for your work, CAP them. Sending a threatening email in all caps is enough to scare most corporate employees from bad behavior.
7. On especially lazy days, if your office has wifi, book a conference room with other effective slackers (probably your Work Posse) for the entire day. Bring your laptops in and your workday pretty much consists of vulgar conversation, keeping up on incoming emails, and about 4 hours of determining who can throw a paper airplane the furthest on the FlightSimX Paperplane Game or perhaps who the best TV boss is.
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Comments
Interesting that the author of this article would post this link in The 7 Habits group on LinkedIn knowing full well that he would offend nearly everyone in the group.
Unfortunately, I am not one of them. Job well done.
I just happen to belong to that group to read the discussions taking place among the simple minds who treat The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People like it is a religion. It is entertaining, but not nearly as entertaining as this article.
Have you noticed that every article you write is an attempt to justify the fact that you are either:
a. Lazy
b. Lack motivation
c. Stupid
Your Short/SweBITTER comment was unnecesary [fnck spelling as long as you can read this msg.] from what i've read so far, mearly pearing at this screen, Justifies that You are Option: C.
Please, Put your hands Down! Yooh are Not PmPn.. Don't bother to even think about putting on a Fur coat, I would not Kiss your ear'ring. Fact.
This is A1 steaksauce right here.
Maureen -
You are hilarious - there's no way you're being serious, right? Because nobody could possibly be that stupid to get defensive about the subject matter of these articles and name-call the author...right?
There is a group of people in my company who are Covey disciples......and they are the stupidest, least-worthwhile people here. I do not do the consulting work that Dudley seems to (sounds fantastic by the way) but I definitely adhere to some of the principles involved. Congrats on another great article.
I Seconed Ben's opinion!! and its like... a year later xD
Covey was a legitimate author who has helped millions of people become successful in all aspects of life (not just careers as you have assumed).
You are a writer for examiner.com and you have unsuccessfully convinced hundreds of people that being lazy is an effective means of success.
Shame on you, and shame on me for reading.
Greetings Self-shaming-covey-disciple,
I have known many exquisitely "professional" colleagues. They were far more organized than I was. They were far more knowledgeable of the problems we faced. They were far more disciplined in monitoring, managing and reporting than I ever was. I might add they were also far friendlier than myself. On all counts they were easily recognizable as "highly successful individuals." I was seen as more of a non-conforming troll.
The highly successful folks loved their problems. They had intimate knowledge of their problems. They could create immaculate executive briefs on the current status of their problems. What they could NOT do was SOLVE their problems. The existence of their problems guaranteed a certain status and job security to them. They were the experts on the problems.
This is where the "effective slacker" (ES from here on out) gets in all sorts of trouble. The ES sees the problem; wrinkles his/her nose at it; spends a week or two (if necessary) mulling it over AND THEN SOLVES THE PROBLEM. Then the ES is off to the next problem rather callously disregarding the utter chaos that the "high effective person's" life has been thrown into (i.e. they no longer have a problem to babysit and their extensive reporting charts are meaningless).
In my experience this will exasperate the "professional" types since this kind of disruptive technology shift is not easily entered into a day-timer...
Your suggestion that simply emailing people when you need something done is exactly the problem in today's workplace of young professionals simply passing the buck through email. It leads to items slipping through the cracks and results in huge problems for corporations. Until you 'slackers' realize that 90% of your work requires communication and not 10%, our economy is going to continue to sink. A big thank you to our colleges for spitting out kids who think it is funny to do nothing at work.
You can go right on ahead and Eat Your twinky that you Just bought/sold so you can support the ECOnomy. I very much would rather support the ECOsystem instead....
This sounds like people I use to work with. No wonder the company is now going down in flames.
Funny because the company I work for is going down in flames because of the type of person that reads the real 7 habits of highly effective people. A bunch of losers who think they are important and literally do nothing of substance throughout the day.
But they still have their neckties.
Amen to Dudley Dawson. It is about time someone started sticking up for people who know how to get stuff done quickly. What we lack in ambition and motivation we make up for with our very large brains and detailed knowledge. You may be a busy body, but you're busy for a reason. Because you are an idiot.
To all of you Covey-Loveys out there -
He is not Jesus. Stephen R. Covey may be the worst thing that ever happened to modern society and FranklinCovey the worst thing to happen to malls since the Piercing Pagoda.
Very entertaining read!
@Tunham Have you spoken to the president? I'm sure he would like to get those nasty young professionals destroying our wonderful ethical economy.
its not the economy their destroying, but the Ecosystem.. its not the economy their destroying, but the Ecosystem.. its not the economy their destroying, but the Ecosystem.. its not the economy their destroying, but the Ecosystem..
I must have just spent half an hour on the FlightSimX Paperplane Game.
To everyone who does not understand the concept of "tongue in cheek" (Google it)
Any person, discipline, religion, etc. that can't stand to be poked at once in awhile doesn't deserve to take up resources on the planet.
Lighten up, folks. None of us are getting out of this alive.
Like reading my life story... except I do eat at my desk so I can read stuff like this while I wolf down a slacker sub.
Before World War II a German general was known as a slacker. Often taking walks out in the woods and doing things that disturbed the more conventional generals.
General Rommel became known to the world for what he accomplished in North Africa.
Very clever (and good writing too). I would comment more on this topic, but, my employer (or future boss) may see it -- no need to give them too much information about me (LOL).
I have to say that I disagree with habit #6, (Never allow others to take credit for your work). As a professional slacker, I take the exact opposite strategy. Whenever I turn in a project, I effusively give credit to other people, even those that didn't contribute all that much. This has two effect:
First (assuming you are praising the right sort of people), it makes your co-workers feel a little guilty, and they will often respond by praising your contributions to projects you had little to do with.
Second, it gives your boss the impression that you are a modest and humble person. Therefore, when in a later project he asks what your contributions were and you (truthfully) say that you contributed almost nothing, he will assume you are just being modest, and will (in his own mind) give you a lot more credit than you deserve.
If you play this strategy effectively early on, you can reap the benefits for years. I do very little at work, and yet I am continually being told how valuable I am. I often get credit for being a co-author on reports I didn't even know were being written
If you loudly demand credit for everything you do, you come off looking like a desperate jerk. If you gracefully give up credit to others, you generate goodwill and the impression that you are not taking credit for a lot of other things.
Chris - There you go taking credit for having a better idea. Hypocrisy! But you are right. Sometimes giving others credit only gives you more credibility and allows for even more time to do nothing.
However, my point was that a slacker does very little outside of actually delivering productive work, so they need to somehow make sure credit is given otherwise you are just a lazy P.o.S. sitting in the little cube doing nothing.
R. Tunham,
You are a fauking idiot. What exactly is your point? Are you trying to say that email is not a valid form of workplace communication? Are you the type of d-bag who is constantly leaving voicemails for co-workers, or worse yet, walking over to their cube and leaving post-it notes? You old people are what's wrong with the modern workplace. You don't understand that emails are a million times more efficient, automatically document conversations, AND save me from having to have face to face talks with d-bags such as yourself.
Oh my god, you just busted me. I hope my boss never finds your article. Thanks for the laugh.
God that's funny...
Hi Dudley,
Some of the stuff that you write is ok and correct.But only some and I feel that you are saying exactly what Covey says!
Wanted to know that how did you interpret the teachings of covey,did you read the book or attend any seminar?
ToAllCoveyLoveys, "the Piercing Pagoda" worries me somewhat. I don't mind if men have a special name for it, even calling it a Pagoda is fine and none of my business, but calling it "the Piercing Pagoda" is just plain arrogant. :-P
B.
p.s. Great article Dudley - if only you could remove the dud from your name. :-)
his name backwardsUpsidedown looks like halpnp& sounds like Helping Be.
This is simply hilarious! I love this, and I need to get that book :D
Great writing, great mocking, and most importantly - great tips!
Loved this article. Proved to me that this website is a useless piece of crap. I look forward to stepping on your neck to get to my corner office, which I only need some 40 weeks of the year.
sdf,
I look forward to pummeling your kidneys until you p!ss blood in your corner office that you only need some 40 weeks of the year.
What does that even mean? Are you implying that you'll have 12 weeks of vacation? No doubt you are the type of dooshbag that takes the corner office and promotional title over a cash raise. Here's an idea, get the F out of here before I punch you in the throat.
Gaurav or should I say, Borat,
I like your comments very much! Do you like my comments?
To repeat your question:
Wanted to know that how did you interpret the teachings of covey,did you read the book or attend any seminar?
I'm guessing Dudley would respond: In English, so you wouldn't understand.
Karleen (May 5, 12:32) has already made my point.
I love your articles, but what I love just as much is when these useless corp. sociopaths (oh, if you're one, you'll probably have to look this word up) actually try to argue with you. That really just reinforces your points. I love it!
This is simply hilarious! I love this!
Words of wisdom Thanks a new comer to the way of life all you enjoy.
Great Article... my favorite line(s) "CAP them. Sending a threatening email in all caps is enough to scare most corporate employees from bad behavior." A great play on words, thanks for the write up.
Oh yeah, this man most definitely knows his stuff. You might be reading this thinking, 'gosh, this is really funny'. This is actually all practical advice for gaming the system.
You just described my exact work day. Well done
Wonderful! You just typed in the secret guide to corporate happiness
I strongly disagree with the #1. In my practice, volunteering allows you to secure a rewarding, easy-to-finish-on-schedule task preemptively, while mundane, troublesome and underappreciated tasks are subsequently assigned to other co-workers.
Also, by volunteering you show the boss you actually care and are always ready to work, making you a valuable and trusty employee. Which other colleagues must earn with hard work.
Pick your preferred tasks early and often! ;)
Dexen,
You clearly are not a slacker.
1. A true slacker does not find anything rewarding when it comes to working.
2. A true slacker never wants to show their boss that they really care and are ready for work. The true slacker knows how to give the impression that they are already swamped with existing work, and cannot take any more.
You really need to read some of Dudley's other articles, in particular, "The 7 habits of a Typical Bad Manager".
Observe, Women like shiny things. Dex is not a Dude. its almost easy to tell who is an intelligently, stupid male, opposed to who is Not Similar or Alike.
I've discovered that picking up smoking is a uniquely rewarding experience. Not only are you legally obliged to take more breaks, but you also get to shoot the shisse with managers who took the same opportunities in their youth! Plus, it makes you look cooler, and people know that you weren't at you desk because you were out back!! Also, you can leave your cigarettes in your car to establish a habit of venturing out to your vehicle at random times. Add to this the idea that you're intentionally damaging your health as a young person, and the idea that you are intelligent but misguided gives you the perfect balance of sympathy. Also, it gives you an excuse to stroll through the halls, checking to see who is in and who's away from their desk. I'd recommend this to any slacker.
In addition, turning to roll your own cigarettes (despite this insane new tax) is an excellent way to say "i'm broke, and I probably do other stuff so you should hit me up": an easy way to make a quick buck off overcharging your rich and desparate but less-well-connected coworkers!
this is me to the T.
This type of article reminds me of people that have to justify why they drive a $10,000 vehicle instead of having a nice car. They'll use every excuse under the sun but simply ignore the real excuse - that they have no money. Dudley, you are a slacker because you are a lazy human being and there are no positives to being lazy.
Jill, you lack the phenomenal Powers of True Will. I speak no further.
Jill,
Thank you for finally showing your true colors. Are you so materialistic that you believe anybody not driving an expensive car is poor? I know plenty of wealthy individuals who simply don't care what kind of car they drive. You are one major stuck-up biatch.
Well done! That's exactly my work style!
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