After my first day on the job, I knew it might be over. I knew the office was far too quiet for them. Though I spent several weeks in denial, I knew my Chili Cheese Fritos had to go. Since that heart-breaking decision was made, I have spent a considerable number of hours determining how to fix this unbearable situation. The answer -- an office white noise system. Without it, a workplace is far too quiet and it can lead to multiple issues. Here are eight of those issues:
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If you enjoyed Chili Cheese Fritos as much as I,
you would also be campaigning for office white noise.
1. When I eat my Chili Cheese Fritos, it is embarrassingly loud. Each crunch of my Chili Cheese Fritos sounded like an explosion in our office. The worst part about eating Fritos in a quiet office is that you really can't be sure if it's actually loud to other people, or if it's just loud because they are in your mouth. This bothered me so much that I left myself a voicemail as a sound check. With the phone sitting 3-4 feet from my mouth, I recorded myself as I chomped on my Chili Cheese Fritos. The results were not pleasing.
2. I can hear the guy six cubes away talking to his wife, and I'm aware of their marital issues. Word to the wise: If you are getting in arguments at work on Friday afternoon, because you and your wife cannot agree on Applebees or Baker's Square, please just get divorced right now. Save me the pain and anguish of having to listen to that conversation week in and week out.
3. The loud conference call leader. There are people at every office that are unaware of the fact that their telephone is actually able to successfully transmit the normal level of their voice. You aren't talking to my grandfather who's legally deaf in both ears. They can hear you just fine.
4. Even with the volume muted, it's obvious I'm playing a Flash version of Frogger. In an office as quiet as mine, pressing the arrow keys repetitively for minutes on end draws attention. Sometimes you just have to find time to enjoy the classics, and a quiet office is severely hampering my ability to enjoy these games. Flash version of Frogger available here.
5. When I tried to quietly eat my Chili Cheese Fritos, I think it actually got louder. During my denial phase, I attempted to eat my Fritos slower. However, this just made the entire process far louder and far more painful for those sitting around me. It was like pulling off a bandaid slowly.
6. The annoying office laugher. I have nightmares that include this laugh. When I listen to the radio on my drive home, there are moments of silence between the commercials and programming. During these moments of silence, I hear this horrible laugh. It resembles a goat. Only the goat is high on cocaine. I cannot escape it no matter what I do. The only hope is office white noise.
7. Mundane conversations among coworkers taking place near my cube. There is nothing more unbearable than two women complaining about their husbands. Oh, actually...there is. Complaining about your husbands while eating custard filled donuts. I can hear them getting fatter, and this is coming from a guy that eats Chili Cheese Fritos. I feel bad for their husbands. Not because their wife is getting fat, but because they don't shut up.
8. I love me my Chili Cheese Fritos.
If anyone at my workplace is reading this, and I have not already been fired, please look into acquiring one of these fine office whitenoise systems.
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Comments
What is s chili cheese Frito?
funny, sarcastic, but funny.
Count your blessings-- we don't even have cubicles. There is no conversation that goes un-heard, bodily functions are shared, and office slacking requires some very high-tech and creative solutions.
D Russell,
Chili cheese Fritos are some of the most delightful snacks known to man. They are like a Frito pie (please tell me you've heard of those) all rolled into one fantastic chip. I feel Dudley's pain in the loss of his work snack. You should immediately go out and buy a bag for yourself.
Also, perhaps the giant picture of Chili cheese Fritos could have given their secret identity away.
I found this article by searching Chili Cheese Fritos on Google. Dude, we are like blood brothers.
I love when people around me (we don't have cubicles either) listen to their conference calls on speakerphone because they would rather ruin my afternoon than hold the phone to their ear...thanks Dudley, for another awesome article :)
You searched for Chili Cheese Fritos on Google??
How about some kind of background noise in the bathroom as well. Is anyone else just a little bit uncomfortable when you're enjoying a morning dump, someone else doing the same, and it is completely silent?
Dudley! I know exactly what you mean about those Chili Cheese Fritos (which by the way are the most unhealthy of popular chips) Every time I eat them I feel like everyone can hear me reaching into the bag, and ever crunch!
Brian Sullivan
www.YorHealth.com
www.YorBestLife.com
I thought i was the only one buying these chili cheese fritos! Good to know i am not the only one.
Chili Cheese Fritos Workplace recipe:
1. One bag CCF (you KNOW what I'm talkin' about)split up the side.
2. 1/2 can hormel chili, warmed slightly in the breakroom microwave. Just enough for the sparks to destroy the microwave.
3. Pour chili over CCF. Pause to soften.
* Eat quiet Workplace CCFs and play Frogger!
(Dude..seriously, thanks for the link!)
Dudley,
Regarding your comment, "The article contained a massive photo of Chili Cheese Fritos. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. For D. Russell -- zero."
The initial article did NOT contain a photo of the CCF. If it had, I would not have asked the question.
Awesome article. My employer has one of these white noise systems - I have one of the bee-hive looking things that broadcast over my cube. It's barely noticeable, and you still hear conversations and stuff, but then one day it went out - holy crap does it make a difference! When it went out it was like that scene from Bruce Almighty where he starts hearing all the prayers in his head (anyone?)...
White noise saves my sanity...
D Russell,
paste this into your web browser: tinyurl.com/mk5gpe
then paste this one in:
tinyurl.com/kk4jw7
Now you are all set!
I think we need an aroma-blocker as well. I often feel guilty about the odors emanating from my lunch -- garlic, curry, and worst of all, tuna casserole -- and resentful of the smell of my neighbors' food. How can you work when you can smell that wonderful, buttery popcorn?
My office finally installed one and there was a mutiny. Of course, the people complaining the loudest about the white noise are the worst offenders when it comes to being inconsiderate about their noisy behavior. Many literally walked off the job today. Infants, all of them.
THANK YOU, This needed to be said. nuff said!
White noise is not exactly what you need -- it's too high-pitched and hissy sounding. See "Coping with Speech Noise in the Modern Workplace," chatterblocker.com/whitepapers/conversational_distraction.html .
ChatterBlocker is a shareware app that lets you create your own optimal conversation masking.
Again, evidence that Dudley B. Dawson is a shovenist pig. Particularly not fond of fat women. Funny that he has no problem with fat men. Probably one himself. I hope your mother is proud of you.
Quit shoving people, you pig!
Jill,
Go buy a fauking dictionary, you retahd.
Cubicles are an invention of the devil. They should be soundproofed. I bet it would even be cost-effective: consider cost of sound=proofing vs. cost of lost productivity. No, I don't want to hear the guy over there's phone conversation, and I don't want random coworkers to be able to hear me when I give a credit card number out on the phone when doing a business purchase. Or for that matter, when I'm talking to clients.
This article is spot-on. The quietness is driving me insane. I always listen to music now, but that can't be too good for me (eventual hearing problems you know). My girlfriend calls me and she always thinks I'm slowly dying cause I speak so low. I hate it. I should go back to school and get a diploma that will land me a closed office. Anywayz, I'll have to try those Chili Fritos one day, we only have BBQ over here. Cheers.
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