Dear Dudley: Is that hot coworker actually ugly?

Women have Abby, men have Useless Advice for Useless Men, and the sexually active have Savage Love.  Now, males, females, and sexual perverts at the office have an online portal for their workplace related questions -- Dear Dudley.

Dear Dudley will appear weekly and feature questions asked by you, the reader.  Along with those questions will be Dudley B. Dawson's expert answer.

I wonder if Obama thought German Chancellor
Angela Merkel looked hot during this meeting. (AP photo)

If you have a work related question and want Dudley to answer it, please email Dudley, or message him on Facebook or LinkedIn.

Without further delay, here is the first Dear Dudley:
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Dear Dudley,

Why am I attracted to women at work that I wouldn't even notice in a nonwork setting?  Is it the utter lack of hotness in my office or could I actually be attracted to someones personality?

Sincerely,

Concerned about hooking up with a work fatty

Mr. Concerned about hooking up with a work fatty [Mr. CAHUWAWF for short],

You seem to be on the right track to discovering the true issue.  However, I don't think it's quite that simple.  To truly understand this workplace phenomenon you must first take a look at the reasons why men or women often find a typically unattractive person attractive.

There are generally 9 reasons for finding an ugly member of the opposite sex (or same sex) attractive.  They include:

1. Poor vision.  It's a rather simple oversight, but not having your contacts in can make borderliners look like super-models.

2. Alcohol or Drugs.  It's amazing what a pair of beer goggles can do.  Just ask my wife.

3. Sleep deprivation.  If you aren't getting at least 5 hours of sleep, your judgment is impaired.  It could lead to bumpin' uglies.  Literally.

4. Sexual frustration or deprivation.  I'm not sure if it's possible to be sexually frustrated without being deprived or vice versa, so I'll cover my bases by adding both.  If you're reaching sexual droughts that last more than a month, it's probably the chief cause of your issue.  The only way to truly know is to give him or her a test run.  Within a few minutes you'll know if you still find him or her attractive.

5. Low self-esteem.  You have no confidence.  This lack of confidence used to mean that you settled for lesser partners.  However, your confidence has now shrunk to a point where you actually find these lesser partners attractive.

6. Odd fetishes.  This is usually a product of watching too much adult oriented material.  Whether it's a thing for glasses (Specs Appeal), a fascination for suits, or a fetish for office supply closet sex, you are far more likely to find someone attractive to fulfill these bizarre fantasies.

7. Economics.  Limited resources are the foundation of economics.  At any point in time, there is a certain level of both supply and demand for the limited resource.  For a guy, when hot chicks are scarce, and the demand is high, even great men bow to market pressures.  Like all areas of economics, there are variables that come into play.  In this case, the key variables are location and time.  For example, a Las Vegas hotel lobby, at 3am, contains ample numbers of men looking to get laid.  Because it's already 3am, the lobby contains a very low supply of women willing to fulfill the demand.  Best case scenario in such desperate times is UMT -- Ultra Muffin Top.

8. Personality.  Under the right circumstances, and given ample time, ugly people can charm Mr. or Ms. Right with their personality.

9. Income.  As rich executives like to say, "If you ain't gettin paid, you ain't gettin laid."  It's not exactly uncommon to see some 23 year old hottie strolling the beach with a fat, bald 65 year old man.  Although it's just a legal form of prostitution, I'm assuming there is some elevated sense of attraction involved as well, whether it be forced or natural.

In most cases, it's never one thing that causes you to find a typically unattractive male or female attractive.  For those of us at the workplace, many of these elements combine into a powerful item known as Cube Goggles.

Cube Goggles cannot be stopped.  They can only be contained. 

This reminds me of a story shared with me during college.  When you're a junior in high school, and everything gives you a boner, you encounter many difficult situations.  One of these situations is when you have to go to the bathroom.  You're at your desk with a huge hard-on, but you're also about to urinate all over your Girbaud jeans.  So you have to choose.  Do I show the entire class my boner or do I urinate all over myself?  A smart man would do neither.  A smart man would stand up from his desk and pretend to fly out of the room like an airplane.  The odd behavior will draw attention away from the boner, and the airplane maneuver allows you to bend at the crotch which does enough to hide the tent protruding from your pants.

Mr. CAHUWAWF, there are two ways to handle this situation:

1. Find creative ways to hide your hard-on for unattractive females at the office.
2. Get over yourself and nail the fatty.

Please inform us of your ultimate decision and good luck,

Dudley B. Dawson

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'Dear Dudley' will appear every Monday in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column.  Do you have a question to ask Dudley?  Email him at CitizensAgainstDonHenley@gmail.com.

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