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Can you guess who farted?
Every man working in an office has either been a vendor or customer of urinal gas. You are either a guy that loves to squeeze them out while urinating, or you are the unfortunate victim. Though both ends of the incident can be uncomfortable, it's far more awkward for the offender.
What is a urinal gas incident?
A urinal gas incident is a scenario that begins with only one person in the men's bathroom. While urinating, most men will scope out the situation to find out if they can rip one. For the most part, urinal farts are a private matter. There are a few guys that will gladly tear a hole in their pants with an audience, but they are few and far between. For the rest of us, the farts wait until there is confirmation of an empty room -- much like -- "Contender ready? Gladiators ready?". Then the gun fires. The aroma from the "gun powder" is quite potent and another coworker walks into the bathroom just moments after releasing the gas. There begins a urinal gas incident.
How do offenders deal with the awkwardness?
Urinal gas incidents are unique in that the offender experiences the majority of the awkwardness. Offendors first begin thinking to themselves, "Can he smell it? No, he probably can't smell it. Oh man...that's pretty bad. I'm pretty sure he can smell it. Wow, that is some potent stuff."
They then try and glance over at the victim, without turning their head, to see if they are showing any ill-effects from the gas. Upon witnessing any sign of the victim's discontent, the offender hangs his head low and tries to hide behind the urinal divider, pretending to urinate until the victim leaves the bathroom. Alternatively, some offenders choose to wiggle off the last drops quickly, zip up, wash up and head out of the room promptly and swiftly to avoid further embarrassment.
How do you prevent urinal gas incidents?
There are only a few methods to prevent urinal gas incidents. They include:
1. Rip'em in the back staircase. Corporate staircases are no man's land from level 3 on up. No one is willing to take 4 flights of stairs.
2. Whistle while you work, fart as you walk. Colleagues will just think they are hearing things if you openly rip'em as you walk down the hallway. If you walk quick enough, it spreads the aroma which weakens the potency.
3. Medication. For some, options one and two are not valid. Some guys have to fart when they urinate due to flow issues. I recommend FloMax.
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Awkward office moments will appear every Thursday in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column.
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Comments
A good fart never fails to bring a smile to my face. Smelt, dealt or otherwise. And yes, I do still get chicks occasionally.
How does this pass as news? I will have you now that I've flagged at least 12 of your articles. If Examiner had any legitimacy whatsoever, they would remove you from the site.
Dud,
Thankyou for this poinent essay on the problems us men face everyday. I hope that one day we will not be judged but looked upon and pitied. It is hard enough to pee standing up in public without the added burden of flatulation. One day we can all hope for a cure. Until then I shall be donning a brown looped ribbon on my lapel. God Bless you for your kindness in bringing this to the publics eye.
Jill,
You do recognize satire don't your? You are an interesting person. You hate to read these articles yet you have apparently read at least a dozen. I am a fan and haven't read many more than that.
Jill....you're missing the point. Mr. Dawson is one of the funniest, most honest individuals on the planet. Much like your bedtime toy, find the "off" button...and use it. You'll rest easier and not be exposed to the STD's transmitted in these articles.
I laughed so hard at this, I am in tears! Doesn't America NEED more humor, especially right now? There should be a vote set before Congress: More Jills or More Humor? Let AMERICA decide!
You ARE a good American aren't you Jill? Or are you one of the computer hacking commies that have been in the news lately??
EGADS...now we're ALL infected!
Someday, you'll thank me. I'll proudly display a bumper sticker:
"Don't blame ME...I voted D.B.D."
Hilarious article. Now, I know why my husband grins after leaving the bathroom. Usually, he blames the dog for letting loose a big stink bomb.
Jill, if you want hard-hitting news, pick up and READ the Wall Street Journal, Huffington Post, Fortune, Crain's or the other newspapers.
Yes, I admit to reading at least three of the above mentioned. (I'm a news junkie.) But, I do enjoy reading satirical articles.
Get your nose out of the National Enquirer, and stop being such a bytch!
Great article... with many potential spin-offs
Indeed it is a brave man who risks a fart whilst suffering from Diarrhea
I am one of those guys that will gladly tear a hole in his pants with an audience in the men's room. In fact, I have been known to squeeze my cheeks en route, in order that I may dispense my office gas (OG) as urinal gas (UG). UG is a great equalizer. To float air biscuits in the presence of the boss and co-workers (well, the male ones, at least) is a great way to determine whether he's an actual human or a robot. Sadly, nobody in my office appreciates a good explosive backdraft or a hot, silent blow-by. THEY'RE ALL ROBOTS!
Jill, I'm sorry, but are you stupid or just insane? Do you think Examiner.com cares who you "flag"? While I agree they have no legitimacy, they are a for-profit website. And as one of the top-read writers for Examiner on the national page, he is making money for Examiner hand over fist. I bet he is really scared that you "flagged" him. BTW, keep reading and commenting, you do a great job bringing more people to his stories and ensuring more money in Dudley's pocket.
Dudley,
Love it! You forgot also the akwardness of the other guy noticing you looking over, thus making the situation much more akward!
Jill,
You go out of your way to come to the site and read these articles. Clearly you should understand Dudley's writing style and the aim of his articles.
You do realize that you have the option to NOT read the article right?
-Brian Sullivan
www.YorBestLife.com
I don't think Jill has any friends and her repeated objections to Dudley's hilarious articles is just a desperate cry for help from a seriously depressed individual. Jill, I'd like to dispense some of my urinal gas right in your face.
hilarious article. When someone freely lets one fly at the urinal I can't help but laugh. Farts are funny. And if you can't blast them in the bathroom, where can you? I prefer the cubicles to be gas-free zones if possible, realizing sometimes you just gotta.
If you are the type who is self conscious, do some reconaissance in your building - my building has a lot of empty office space available so a couple floors are hardly occupied. Almost like your own private can.
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