Mayor of NYC worships at the sacred orb of the future

Every liberal should strive to be better in the coming new year, and from the perspective of a conservative, liberals should strive to be more like them, more conservative.

Here is a list of the top 10 New Year's resolutions to cure a liberal, to make a liberal more conservative, and like most New Year's resolutions, ther's not a chance in hell they'll be fulfilled. Like most New Year's resolutions they'll be forgotten by noon on New Year's Day.

10. Buy an American-made car. Even though most American cars are full of parts made in foreign countries with slave-wage labor, and a lot of foreign car companies manufacture their cars here and employ Americans, it is every American’s duty to show their blind patriotism and buy a car made by a company with an American name. No “real” Sarah Palin conservative would ever be caught dead in one of those Red Scourge cars with the names that sound like a type of sushi. And there is no symbol of American exceptionalism any greater than the four-wheel consumer behemoth whose name comes from a slang term for oral sex, the ultimate show of American power and “bad boy” attitude, the Hummer. Oops, even that’s owned by the Chinese now.

9. Get baptized. They say baptism is necessary to cleanse the soul of the original sin. One would think that after a few decades of life as a lustful liberal, it would be about time for another cleansing. They say you can feel the purifying light of the Holy Spirit coming into you, (or is it unto you?), and who couldn’t use a little spiritual cleansing right about now? Just the cursing at the television while watching the news everyday warrants at least a “Light Wash” cycle.

8. Cut taxes. The less the government is involved in an individual’s life the better, right? Taxes are the lifeblood of intrusive tyrannical governments who spend our money like it’s theirs. There is a group of people that want no more taxes, the grassroots, potty-named, Tea Baggers. Without taxes, the government couldn’t pay health care for illegal aliens, couldn’t fund racist socialist organizations like ACORN, and the worst of all could support government-funded abortions. Americans need to stamp out taxes and all forms of federal government now, and set up a system of local, feudal, faith-based governing tribunals who are given the power to make collections of voluntary donations for a voluntary militia to protect the land owned by the diocese. For all the rest of your personal and societal needs, you’re on your own you sorry collection of sinners.

7. Go to church every Sunday. Every God-fearing patriot must know that there is nothing more American than going to church every Sunday. For without a strong attendance, the church’s tithe collections suffer greatly, forcing the shepherds to seek other pastures and resort to televangelism to keep the Holy Hummer topped up with expensive fossil fuels. Besides, just the fact that these chosen Holy Men have managed to attain tax-free status must make them divine and deserving of our worship at their altar of tax-free heaven on earth.

6. Buy a gun. No God-fearing patriot would ever be caught dead without a gun or several high-powered weapons strapped to their belt or across their shoulders. Guns and God are at the heart of conservatism and without them you’re little more than a commie-socialist-fascist. And think about it, Sarah Palin never looks more divine, or hotter than when she is shouldering high-caliber weaponry. There’s one sure way for her to reach the White House in 2012, and that is to campaign on a platform of arming all Americans. Armed and ready, Gods soldiers can then form religious militias and protect American values from the heathens, one bullet at a time.

5. Try to cure a gay through prayer. There is nothing sadder to watch than someone who is suffering from homosexual demonization. These people need to be cured of their homosexuality, and the American way to do that is to cure them through prayer. Only a man of the cloth can properly “Command,” the homosexual demons inside of a lesbian, a gay man, a bisexual, a transgender, or even a transvestite, to “Get thee out” of the poor sinner. Only through prayer can these sick homosexuals find the purity of heterosexual lust and fidelity as demonstrated by our political leaders and hero figures.

4. Buy a large stock of ammunition. No matter how many guns you own, they are worthless (try telling that to a burglar) unless you are well-stocked with enough rounds of ammunition to fight in the final battle of Armageddon. No self-righteous Christian soldier would be caught dead at any crusade against the evil blasphemers without enough ammo to stand victorious over the satanic hordes led by the Anti-Christ himself. Money is no object when it comes to stocking ammo, especially at a time when the Leftist Tyrants are in power. One never knows when the time will come to heed the calls of Sister Michelle Bachmann and Brother Glenn Beck, to take to the streets, and water the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

3. Protest against abortion. What is conservatism without a debate on abortion, and what is the debate on abortion, without a band of screaming, sign-waving, anti-abortion protestors. Wind or rain, heat or cold, sleet or snow, there is nothing that can stand in the way of the anti-abortion protestor. Screw the breathing bleeding-hearts who want medical care, when there are unborn babies to save. Conservatives don’t want the government making decisions about another person’s body except for this one little exception, (oh yeah and the question of assisted suicide and euthanasia), yeah that’s it, the government shouldn’t make decisions about another person’s body, except in the case of abortion and euthanasia.

2. Go hunting. There is no better way for any self-righteous “real” American patriot to show his or her patriotism than to go hunting, and show nature our God-given human and American exceptionalism, and what better way to kill lots of animals, than to drive into the wilderness in our Hummers with guns blazing from all windows on both sides. Just as Manifest Destiny gave us the right to enslave black people and overrun the Native Americans from their land, God gave us superiority over animals by giving us the God-given right to bear arms. We are God’s chosen people and nothing demonstrates our exceptionalism more than His Gift of the Second Amendment.

1. Become fiscally responsible. Aside from Guns, God, and being a WASP, there is no conservative trait that is more important than fiscal responsibility. You must never live beyond your means, and if you work for a big company that pays you poverty-level wages, you should thank God, and the benevolent billionaire who was willing to hire you at all, for every crumb you are given. Fiscal responsibility starts at home. No lavish home, no fancy imported cars, no expensive liquor, no costly extra-marital affairs, and no expensive dinners or medical treatments. Patriots should learn to practice fiscal responsibility in all facets of life, except when giving to the church, except when buying supplies to make anti-abortion protest sign-making supplies, and most of all, except when buying guns, ammunition, more of the latest guns, and more ammunition, and when paying for the costly expenses of waging war against nature and the liberal society, for there is no cost more worthy to bear than the crusade of conservative righteousness.

Here's to a peaceful 2010.

Photo credit: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, left, along with New York City High School students push down a miniature version of the crystal paned ball to start the 60 second countdown to midnight on Times Square in New York Thursday, Dec. 31, 2009. (AP Photo/Craig Ruttle)

Source: Alternet.org