“Focus on the Families” is an occasional spotlight on LGBT-headed families, in their own words. Today’s focus is on Shane Ray and Chris Yorro and their son Hayden. Shane and Chris both have extensive backgrounds in theater, including founding the Ray of Light Theatre in San Francisco. They are also the founders of the SF Gay Dads Meet-Up group on Meetup.com.
"What does he call you?" That always seems to be the first question that people ask. "I'm Daddy Shane and he's Daddy Chris." Then they'll ask how we decided that. "No reason, it just evolved." The conversation has probably happened over a hundred times. It eventually leads into a discussion on how two guys came to have a baby. Our story isn't very complicated. We're quite lucky and blessed.
We never had a huge talk about having kids. It wasn't really ever a big or long discussion. We just knew that we wanted to be dads and when the topic came up casually, it was always just a, "Yup, someday that will happen."
We live in a city where being a gay parent presents itself as a very real possibility. We knew there were options for us and it was just a matter of deciding which one would be the best for us to explore. We attended adoption workshops, met with surrogacy agencies, and talked about the possibility of co-parenting. All seemed like possibilities but ultimately, we decided to go with surrogacy.
We did a lot of research about surrogacy, both online and with people we knew who had gone down a similar path. We were surprised to find a huge online community dedicated to surrogacy - chat rooms, info sites, forums, everything - and we met a lot of great people that were on the same journey as us.
When looking for a surrogate, we were looking for someone who already had their own child(ren), who had a supportive family, was healthy, and who had previously been a surrogate. We ended up meeting our future surrogate through an online forum, Surromomsonline.com. We talked for months and eventually met up in person. The match was instantaneous and we began our journey. This was her 5th surrogacy (2 for heterosexual couples and 3 for gay couples), and she had two children of her own, a clean bill of health, and a supportive husband. We experienced a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy.... we got daily updates, we were there for the ultrasounds, and flew to Portland to be there for the birth.
We ultimately chose to do traditional surrogacy (using her egg instead of a donor egg) for various reasons. The likelihood of multiples was greatly decreased and the fertilization process was significantly easier. This was also how she had done her previous surrogacies. Obviously, it was important that we have a good relationship with her. We met with her, her husband, and her two children. Conversation was easy and we all got along quite well from day one.
When talking about contact with Hayden moving forward, she was insistent that the decision was in our hands and that she would be fine either way. To date, she hasn't had face-to-face contact with any of the previous surrogate children (the oldest is 9) but she has spoken on the phone with one. We decided that we would let the situation develop organically. For now, we keep her updated with photos and we talk once every few months. We don't have a definitive plan about whether or not we'll introduce Hayden to her early on or whether we'll wait until he is older. We talk openly with him about his special story and as he grows up we'll gauge what we feel is appropriate at the time. We have seen beneficial sides to both options.
We chose to work independently with lawyer Mark Johnson . It was economically more affordable than working with an agency, and it took away the "middle man" from the process. I've certainly heard stories where that "middle man" was necessary but, for us, this seemed to be the best route.
We moved to Chicago just before Hayden was born in February, 2007 and spent his first year there. We realized, after a short while, that we missed the comfort and security of San Francisco. Chicago was an amazing city, but San Francisco offered us an opportunity to really feel comfortable as gay parents and, most importantly, it is a place where we know Hayden will be comfortable growing up.
After moving back to San Francisco, we looked for opportunities for Hayden to play with other kids that had "families like his." There were certainly a plethora of "Mommy and Me" type playgroups and there were several great opportunities for gay dads to get together and talk, but we really wanted to find a group where Hayden could just play and be exposed to children of gay dads in a very informal way. So we started the San Francisco Gay Dads Meetup group. Our first meeting had about 10 families and we've since grown to over 100 members. The group meets once a month at local parks, museums, or events. The premise is simple: get together, the kids play, the dads chat. It's great to have a community as a gay dad and it's going to be amazing to watch these kids grow up together, to support each other, and to feel completely safe with each other.
We certainly have very unique situations that straight parents wouldn't encounter. But all in all, it's mostly just (about) being a parent, no matter that we're two dads. It's an amazing journey we're on.
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Know of an LGBT-headed family who would like to share their unique story? They can contact Bill at sfbilld@gmail.com .
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