Center for Positive Sexuality

In simple terms, this translates to “many loves” but what is it really? The term polyamory has only come into regular language use over the past 4-5 years or so. The act of polyamory has been in existence for millennia, and means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

It may be easier to start to define what polyamory is by discussing what it is not. Polyamory is not monogamy. Duh. Monogamy is actually having one partner for your entire life. Most people in Western cultures practice what is called Serial Monogamy, where you have one partner at a time. Polyamory is also not cheating or promiscuity. Cheating and promiscuity denote being dishonest with one’s partners, essentially sleeping around with regard to your partners’ feelings. Polyamory does not fit that mold. In poly relationships, everyone knows about everyone else’s relationships, and they are discussed as openly and honestly as possible.

There are a lot of relationship styles that could fall under the umbrella of polyamory. There is polyandry or polygamy, which is having multiple spouses. Although this is not legal in the United States, this is practiced with some frequency in other areas of the world.

Some people who have open relationships or open marriages consider themselves polyamorous. This style usually consists of a primary relationship, a couple, who live together and share expenses, etc. while seeing other people.

Another type of polyamory group is an expanded family where several couples or multiple spouse groups, including romantic and non-romantic partners, live together with their children, sharing one large household.

There is argument regarding whether or not swinging is polyamory. Often, swinging is defined as having extra-marital or extra-primary relationship sexual partners, but those sexual partners are not love partners. Often, they do not share a deeper, more intimate, long-term connection with one or both members of the originating primary relationship. In polyamory, however, the goal is for the “extra” partner(s) to become a long-term, intimate part of the originating relationship.

All of this said, a working definition of polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance if having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is extremely important that honesty and consent be the earmarks of polyamory, and really any relationship. Open, honest communication is absolutely necessary, and all individuals in the relationship must consent to what is going on at all times.

Recommended reading for further information: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt