10 ways to break up with your boyfriend

Neil Sedaka said, “Breaking up is hard to do,” but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun or funny. There are many ways to end a relationship, from sappy to violent, to just plain mean.

The old “It’s not you, it’s me” line is a famous go-to for both men and women. It’s a lame way to spare the other person’s feelings and no matter how you try to rationalize it to your formerly-significant other, he or she will always wonder why you broke with him or her. The truth is, it’s not me it’s you is a much better line, because it’s the truth. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t be breaking up with that person now would you?

Lying to get out of a relationship is a horrible thing to do but most people do it anyway. So, ladies here are some lies, and some horrible truths or actions that will get you out of your relationships. They may be blatant and take some selling, others might cause your guy to become irrational or even violent, and still others will deflate his ego and diminish his self esteem. The way you do it is up to you, but here are 10 creative and not so creative ways to end your relationship.

Tell him “I’m just not that into you.” This is possibly the most honest method on this list. You break up with someone because you are not into them. It’s that simple. There is no way to argue about it, and nothing he can do to change the fact that you just aren’t into him. Out of everything else on this list, this is the least dramatic and fairest way to end a go-nowhere relationship.

Change your phone number and “accidentally” forget to tell him. This is the coward’s way out. He still knows where you live, where you work, you friends’ boyfriends numbers…You can’t wipe yourself out of a relationship this way. This simply gets the ball rolling. Unless you plan to move and not tell him, he will be knocking on your door asking what gives, and you have to tell him. He will probably figure out that you’re crazy and want to get out as well, since you thought changing your number would work, so it works out.

Tell him you have VD (even though you haven’t had sex yet). This might paint an ugly picture in his head. You could simple say VD or you could get specific, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and crabs would suggest you’ve been with someone else recently, something that you have forever could have been contracted years ago, and many men, you’d be surprised how many, can accept it and work around your life-long affliction. Stick to something develops within a couple days and requires a week-long treatment to clear up. If that doesn’t scare him off, maybe he’s someone you should keep, or run far far away from, depending on his actions after you’ve told him this.

Tell him you’re moving to an obscure country for school, work, etc. This is a classic Chandler Bing of Friends method. FYI, it didn’t work for him and it probably won’t work for you, unless you’re actually moving somewhere and changing your number, as previously mention. Namibia is very obscure but if you don’t do anything that would warrant your move, he might get suspicious. It’s a fun idea though, you can get creative with your moving place, letting him help you plan your trip, telling him you’ll write every day and how much you’re going to miss him. All big fat lies. Should he figure out that you aren’t going anywhere, and he probably will, (see method 3).

Cook him a meal filled with laxatives. This is just plain mean and is usually reserved for cheaters and adulterers. If you want to get even and get rid of him this is a good way to do it.

Hook up with his best friend/brother/father/cousin, etc…this is another method of revenge. It usually happens because he has cheated on you with someone you know, your best friend, sister…but it also shows the lack of self-respect and common decency you really have. Not only are you reducing yourself to the status of a some of the most hated people in the world, you’re ruining a relationship that has nothing to do with you and if it’s a family member, you’re lucky if any of his female relatives don’t find you and work you over. You cannot even use the excuse of alcohol for this. Stooping to his level does not make you better than him, and will probably make you feel even worse than before. This, if you absolutely must undertake this method, should be executed with caution. Remember, you have to live with yourself.

Tell him you’re betrothed and have to leave to marry you arranged husband. Ok, unless you’re really wealthy or from another country, the likelihood of him believing this is slim to none. Even stupid men aren’t that stupid. If you try this method, you’d better have Sara Palin’s ability to continue a lie, and you probably need to start believing it yourself. That’s the only way this is going to sell.

Tell him his penis is too small and he never satisfied you. This could be true or it could be false. Only you will know the truth. If he’s got a big ego, he’ll probably come back with something just as hurtful as what you just said and you’d better be ready for it. Saying that to a man is like telling a mother her child is ugly. It usually does not end well. There are some who already have a complex about their equipment or prowess, and go into overdrive to compensate for what they lack in equipment. This guy, rather than taking no for an answer, will try as hard as he can to keep you, and spare himself the embarrassment of disappointing another woman.

Tell him you’re being taken into the witness protection program and can never see him again. If you hang around with some seriously shady types and he knows it, this could work. Nobody wants to run the risk of getting killed because his girlfriend “knew too much.” Hell, if he’d want to stick around in a possibly true situation like this, he deserves to be bumped off. Now, if you’re the picture of perfection, this just won’t work. He will, once again, figure out you’re crazy and…

Tell him you’ve recently discovered you like women. With this you might get mixed reactions. He might offer to join in a threesome with your new girlfriend, but since you don’t actually intend to become involved with girls this isn’t the reaction you want. He could possibly fly off the handle using the D word and calling you all kinds of names. His masculinity has just been questioned so he might go into macho-meathead overdrive. If he’s got half a brain he’ll of course, feel heart-broken, confused and then get over it and move on. Just don’t try going back to this guy when you’ve figured out you made a mistake. He’ll probably always have it in the back of his head that you’re a lesbian or if you told him the truth, he could find it hard to ever trust you again. Plus he may never be able to get the thought of you with a woman out of his head, it could be distracting.

In any case, when you want to get rid of that guy, the old, “It’s over” works well. Sure it could result in begging, pleading, yelling, screaming, and an occasional chasing after your car like an abandoned puppy, but if you really want to be rid of him, you’ll figure out how to get out unscathed. Any guy who can’t take a break up doesn’t need to be in a relationship anyway.