Part II: Engagement CustomsIn Part I of The Hole in the Sheet: Myth and Truth in Brooklyn Jewish Engagements, I addressed engagement length among Orthodox and Hasidic Jews in the context of the Jewish calendar year and the logistics of finding enough available halls on available nights to accommodate large Jewish families. In this post, I’m going to look more closely at what happens during the engagement period.
Engagement activities boil down to 3 categories: shopping, gifting, and education. In families where parental and elder involvement is the greatest, by the time the young couple stand under the chupa, or bridal canopy, they will be completely set up to begin their lives together. That includes every day and Shabbat/holiday wear and, on the girls’ side, kitchen utensils, dishes, and gadgets. In the case of the boy, particularly if he is Hasidic, there’s not too much shopping to do for the groom himself; Hasidic boys are not intended to be fashion plates. The rebellious among them may wear their head gear at an angle, buy custom-made white shirts or experiment with different frames if they wear glasses, but for most of them, the deal is black and white: black pants, long jacket, hat, socks, scarf, gloves, coat, hat, shoes, and white shirts, along with fancier versions for Shabbat and holiday wear, which includes a fur hat, called a shtreimel. Orthodox boys may have more wardrobe choices, so sartorial prep can includes extras such as tee shirts, sweaters, fancy and everyday ties, and shirts in colors other than white, apart from the basic black and white of Shabbat and holidays. For girls, though, the list of “to get”s and “to do”s is infinitely longer and more expensive. This is because the married couple will not only be on show on their wedding day, but for the 7 celebratory days following the wedding, called the sheva brochot, or 7 blessings, corresponding to the 7 blessings recited under the chupa as part of the marriage ceremony. This means a new outfit for the young bride on each night of the sheva brochot. Heaven forfend that an outfit be worn twice. The consequences would be…well, I don’t quite know, but to hear my daughter tell it during her engagement, you would have thought they’d bring in a SWAT team to curb the resulting furor. Both sides participate in buying the furniture, with the kallah or bride and the choson, or groom going to see the furniture separately with their respective parents if they are Hasidic, or together, if their particular Orthodox group allows it.
Gifting involves gifts presented to the kallah, or bride, ostensibly from the choson, or groom, but actually from his family, and vice versa. For the boy, gifts are usually Jewish articles, such as a silver becher, or goblet and tray with which the choson can make kiddush, or recite a blessing over wine, a menorah, the 8-branched candelabrum used on Chanukah[1], or a silver box to house the etrog[2] used on Sukkot, together with the lulav[3], to recite the holiday blessing. Another gift would be a complete, beautifully bound set of the Talmud [4] which men and boys use when they are learning Torah. Orthodox boys may also receive a set of cufflinks. As for the girls, they weren’t kidding when they said diamonds are a girl’s best friends. The girl’s gifts include the engagement ring, a gold watch with diamond accents, a bracelet, a necklace of pearls, or some other stone, perhaps a diamond pin, and earrings. The gifts are apportioned throughout the engagement, so that the bracelet comes first, to mark the l’chayim,[5] rather than the actual engagement itself. The ring will come next, perhaps at the engagement ceremony, followed by the bracelet, some intervening trinkets at special moments, such as the Shabbat eve before the wedding, and then at the wedding itself, earrings. At some point, the bride will also receive a set of exquisitely bound prayer books to use every day and on Shabbat and holidays.
Now you’re probably wondering about the expense associated with all this prodigious shopping. And you’re right. In polite terms, it’s off the wall. When I got married, I was like the fair sheltered maiden living on the outskirts of the community, unspoiled, having no idea of the excesses which American Orthodox and Hasidic Jews were a prey to. So when I received a stunning tri-colored bracelet, followed in short order by a tiffany-style engagement ring, and the most beautiful frosted yellow-gold watch set in diamonds, etc etc, I was dumbfounded and over the moon. Who wouldn’t be – it’s not hard to get used to pretty things. In all other respects, though, my wedding was a simple one, my dress, a $100 off-the-rack number I brought over from London. However, my children are products of their environment. And while there is much good here, there is also much conspicuous consumption from which it is almost impossible to distance oneself. So over the years, the pre-marital shopping blitz among Brooklyn Jews has grown to Hollywood-style proportions. I have seen it, I have lived it, I know.
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I’d like to say I handled the whole period of my daughter’s engagement with aplomb and discretion. That I controlled the purse strings, rather than letting them control me. But the truth is, I was overwhelmed by the experience, by turns outnumbered, outvoted, outclassed, befuddled, bemused, appalled, enraged, and ultimately, indifferent. To guard my sanity, I frequently resorted to humor. For example, on the choson’s side, the Shabbat before the wedding is a symbolic occasion, involving the young man’s wearing his shtreimel, or fur hatfor the first time and being called up to recite the blessing over the Torah as a man. My daughter had witnessed other such occasions, and reported that the girl’s side always sent an elaborate cake or flower arrangement to the family that would then be displayed at the reception following the Shabbat service. So on the Shabbat eve before her wedding, I remember Esther warning me I had to send something “really massive” to the choson’s family, in response to which, I quipped: “why don’t you collect all the bills in the house, dip them in chocolate, and send them to your future mother-in-law in a basket with a bow?” Needless to say, Esther was not amused. What about the third engagement category – education? Stay tuned for the answer in Part III of The Hole in the Sheet: Myth and Truth in Brooklyn Jewish Engagement Customs – The Laws of Family Purity. Here too, I’ll finally tackle that hoary hole-in-the-sheet myth.
All glossary terms from Judaism 101, http://www.jewfaq.org/glossary.htm#B
All Pictures from onlysimchas.com
Picture above left shows a choson bedecking, or covering the bride with a special veil in preparation for the chupa
[1] Chanukah: the Jewish festival of rededication, also known as the festival of lights, is an eight day festival beginning on the 25th day of the Jewish month of Kislev, http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday7.htm
[2] Etrog: A citrus fruit grown in Israeland other parts of the Mediterranean, used to fulfill the commandment to "rejoice before the L-rd" during Sukkot. http://www.jewfaq.org/etrog.htm
[3] Lulav: Literally, palm branch. A collection of palm, myrtle and willow branches, used to fulfill the commandment to "rejoice before the L-rd" during Sukkot.
[4]Talmud: Literally, The most significant collection of the Jewish oral tradition interpreting the Torah, http://www.jewfaq.org/torah.htm#Talmud.
[5] L'Chayim: Literally, to life. A common Jewish toast. See also Common Expressions and Greetings at http://www.jewfaq.org/express.htm.
Comments
While I am not from a Hasidic background, I did marry someone Yeshivish, a Rabbi who grew up out of town etc, whom didnt want a "Vort" to gather presents, and didnt believe in a Yichud room present etc & I think the pearls were just starting to be a thing in those days..
The bracelet.. I never heard of till more recently..& he didnt want a watch, so we got him a set of Shas...& Still havent heard of the earrings or any other trinkets..
During the week of the wedding..I got him a nice set of white Christian Dior pajamas which he did wear for many years..
We'll see what happens when our kids get married...
Hi Sara - I do know that Hasidim are far more likely to do the whole jewelry thing than Jews from other backgrounds - Yeshivish backgrounds included. As an elderly lady told me during my engagement - and I think she meant this reassuringly because my background was not Hasidic - "for every extra hair they make you cut off, you get another piece of jewelry"!! Lucky for me - I got to keep the jewelry AND my hair! However, among my young nieces who shave their hair upon marriage, the custom is to receive a gift to mark the occasion - so I guess there's some truth to what the old lady told me.
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