In Parts I and II of A Hole in the Sheet: Myth and Truth in Brooklyn Jewish Engagement Customs, I discussed engagement length and 2 of the 3 main engagement activities of young couples: shopping and gifting. This post deals with the third of these activities – education, specifically regarding the laws of family purity, or taharat ha-mishpachah[1]. The Torah, the main body of teachings to which Jews adhere, proscribes laws for all aspects of life as a Jew, so intimacy is no exception. Engaged Orthodox and Hasidic men and women attend kallah and choson classes where they learn the proper way to conduct themselves as a married couple. Specifically, education focuses on when a couple may have sexual relations and when they must abstain. When a woman gets her period, she becomes a niddah,[2] or forbidden to her husband. At this point, husband and wife may not touch each other or engage in activities that could lead them to proximity. For this reason, a kosher Master bedroom includes 2 beds – not 1. The beds can be designed to hook together as 1 bed for intervals when a couple can be intimate, and to be separated when a woman begins to menstruate. Once a woman’s period is over, she must wait 7 clean days, and then immerse herself in the mikvah, or ritual bath, to signify that she is now clean.
Classes emphasize the importance of the mikvah and of separation as the means to keeping passion alive within a Jewish marriage in which, ideally, couples do not stray. It is expected and assumed that Orthodox and Hasidic brides are virgins. Therefore, on the night of the wedding, young women will become niddah as soon as they are intimate with their husbands. It’s very hard for a young couple to separate so soon after they have been together, so the sheva brochos[3] serves a practical, as well as a symbolic function, distracting the couple from their period of necessary separation by entertaining them for the first 7 nights of their married life together.
The video below, from “Jew in the City,” provides a light hearted explanation of the laws of separation, niddah, and taharat ha-mishpachah.
So now, about that hole in the sheet – there isn’t one. Orthodox and Hasidic men and women may have regular sexual relations with each other so long as they abide by the separation parameters proscribed by the Torah. Of course, there are levels of modesty and refinements of behavior that may be followed by Hasidic couples. However, the sheet story is just that – a story. And if it was the truth, given the degree to which the eyes of any 40+ population starts to blur, Orthodox and Hasidic men would have an awfully tough time getting their wives pregnant after the age of 40. And that, judging by the exploding demographics in this age range as well, is not the case!
Just to emphasize the lingering impact of this myth, though, I wanted to end with an anecdote.
During my last year of college, as a mature student of 30 with a family of 3, I worked part-time as a writer in a Public Relations department. The staff was a small, tight circle consisting of the PR Director, his long-time assistant, writers, editors, and students on work-study assignments. One day the Director informed us the department would be joined by a new employee, Sal, a civil servant. Sal was quite a character. Young, good natured, good looking, Sal was affably clueless at times. Not that he couldn’t work out a test answer as well as the next person, but he had a naiveté that could make the dumbest statements sound harmless. On the day in question, we had all been working on our separate assignments when Sal suddenly looked over at me with a troubled expression, and said:
“Riv, can I ask you something?” I looked up from what I was doing, took in his clear discomfort, and said,
“no Sal – we do not do it through a hole in the sheet.” Sal looked at me in amazement as everyone within hearing range chuckled, and asked,
“how did you know I was going to ask you that?”
“Oh I don’t know, I responded, “I have ESP. It’s on account of these invisible horns they make us wear,” and I blithely returned to what I had been doing, leaving Sal staring askance at his guffawing work mates.
Picture above left shows a Hasidic couple dancing the mitzvah tanz or dance, a symbolic public demonstration of the couple's new status at man and wife; the mitzvah tanz is customary only among Hasidic Jews.
[1]Taharat Ha-Mishpachah: Literally, family purity. Laws relating to the separation of husband and wife during the woman's menstrual period. Also referred to as the laws of niddah.
[2]Niddah: The separation of husband and wife during the woman's menstrual period. Also refers to a woman so separated. Also referred to as taharat ha-mishpachah or family purity, http://www.jewfaq.org/sex.htm#Niddah.
[3]Sheva Brochos: The 7 blessings, corresponding to the 7 blessings recited under the chupa, or bridal canopy,as part of the marriage ceremony. A newly-wed couple does not work during the sheva brochot, enjoys feted status wherever they go, and, every night, is invited to a special meal hosted by another family member or close friend, to which other individuals will also be invited.
Rivkah,
I appreciate your use of humor, and the video and pictures to make your tale of engagements, weddings, and wedded bliss. Well developed and it was an interesting read as well.
Chris - I'm so glad you liked the way I put the article together as much as the article! It's been fun learning how to embed videos and pictures - I think they really do add a lot. Thanks again!
Hi Chana - glad you liked the piece! I actually included the link to the Jew in the City video on the Hole in the Sheet. Please check back later around July 16 for my next article.
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engagement length and 2 of the 3 main engagement activities of young couples: shopping and gifting. This post deals with the third of these activities – education, specifically regarding the laws of family purity, or taharat ha-mishpachah[1]. The Torah, the main body of teachings to which Jews adhere, proscribes laws for all aspects of life as a Jew, so intimacy is no exception. Engaged Orthodox and Hasidic men and women attend kallah and choson classes where they learn the proper way to conduct themselves as a married couple. Specifically, education focuses on when a couple may have sexual relations and when they must abstain. When a woman gets her period, she becomes a niddah,[2] or forbidden to her husband. At this point, husband and wife may not touch each other or engage in activities that could lead them to proximity. For this reason, a kosher Master bedroom includes 2 beds – not 1. The beds can be designed to hook together as 1 bed for intervals when a couple can be intimate, and to be separated when a woman begins to menstruate. Once a woman’s period is over, she must wait 7 clean days, and then immerse herself in the mikvah, or ritual bath, to signify that she is now clean. 
“Riv, can I ask you something?” I looked up from what I was doing, took in his clear discomfort, and said, 
Comments
Rivkah,
Your writing is always interesting and one can see how much time you spend on your research. Your writing captures my attention.
Thank you so much, Harvey - your interest and encouragement are among the things that keep me going!
Rivkah Shalom,
Great writing; should be mandatory reading for Israelis!
Debra
Hey Debra - thanks for your support!
Rivkah,
I appreciate your use of humor, and the video and pictures to make your tale of engagements, weddings, and wedded bliss. Well developed and it was an interesting read as well.
Chris - I'm so glad you liked the way I put the article together as much as the article! It's been fun learning how to embed videos and pictures - I think they really do add a lot. Thanks again!
Great piece! By the way - Jew in the City actually has a video on the hole in the sheet myth too tinyurl.com/nsa3om
Hi Chana - glad you liked the piece! I actually included the link to the Jew in the City video on the Hole in the Sheet. Please check back later around July 16 for my next article.
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