Part I: Engagement Length
Well, our young Jewish Orthodox and Hasidic individuals have been checked, screened, and introduced. And, as I said in Part III of my last post, The Birds and the Bees: Relationships among Brooklyn Jews, assuming they haven’t declined, have either popped the question, said “yes,” or murmured their assent. So they're engaged; what happens next? In answering this question, once again, this post will stick closely to customs among Orthodox and Hasidic individuals. Don’t get all excited, though – we don’t actually get to the hole in the sheet section until Part III.
Most Orthodox individuals will continue to see each other, talk, and spend time together during the engagement period, .jpg)
abstaining only for about a week prior to the wedding. Hasidic couples, on the other hand, are not permitted to so much as see each other to prevent arousing provocative thoughts, male seed spillage, etc. Engagement length doesn’t subscribe to a particular mandate, but is usually negotiated within the parameters of the Jewish calendar, other family celebrations, and, for Hasidic populations, the age of the young couple; let me explain.
abstaining only for about a week prior to the wedding. Hasidic couples, on the other hand, are not permitted to so much as see each other to prevent arousing provocative thoughts, male seed spillage, etc. Engagement length doesn’t subscribe to a particular mandate, but is usually negotiated within the parameters of the Jewish calendar, other family celebrations, and, for Hasidic populations, the age of the young couple; let me explain. In terms of the Jewish calendar, there are only certain times of the year that weddings and other celebrations can be held: from the end of the high holy day period (Rosh Hashanah[1] and Yom Kippur[2]) and Sukkot[3] until Pesach[4], or Passover, and then from Shavu'ot[5], which falls 7 weeks after Pesach, until the high holy days again. Roughly, depending on when the holidays fall, that leaves Orthodox and Hasidic families with around 8 months to hold weddings. Bar mitzvahs[6]and birth ceremonies such as a bris[7], will be held whenever they fall, in accordance with the birth date of the child in question. Engagements, too, will not be delayed – far better to seal the deal the day before Yom Kippur than to wait until after the month of high holy day holidays during which time a young person may reconsider his/her decision. Since it is considered far more scandalous to break off an engagement than to file for divorce, holding an engagement celebration as soon as possible seems the best way to ensure the wedding will ultimately take place. Weddings, however, will be postponed until after holidays commemorating momentous Jewish events or historical occasions. Add to this the fact that there are only so many wedding halls in Brooklyn, to accommodate the many, many families with many, many children having many, many weddings, and you begin to see why some engagements are either extended affairs lasting sometimes a year or longer, (especially if the bride or groom is very young, which is often the case in Hasidic families), or else a crazy, roller-coaster ride of 8 week’s duration. My own daughter’s wedding would be a prime example of the latter, but more about that later.
As for why broken engagements are regarded with greater anathema than divorce – don’t look at me. I have debated this matter countless time with my husband, in the following vein:Rivkah’s Husband: Broken engagements – terrible, terrible; better they should at least try things out first, get married. Such a shame to break an engagement.
Me: But don’t you think it’d be a bigger shame to have to get divorced? Especially when there are children involved? And what about the parents going to such expense to have the wedding take place when it doesn’t look like it’s going to last.
Rivkah’s Husband: So what d’you want? There are no guarantees in life – but no one would look at a girl who broke an engagement; she’d be tainted.
Me: Oh you’re right, they’d definitely look more kindly on a divorced woman with a child! And by the way, who says it’s the girl who breaks off the engagement? Maybe it’s the boy?”
Rivkah’s Husband: It’s usually the girl. A boy wouldn’t do such a thing.
Me: Excuse me?
Rivkah’s Husband: Look, whatever you want, I can’t win with you anyway. All I’m saying is, breaking off an engagement is worse than getting divorced – everyone knows.
And so on.
In Part II, I’ll look at customs during among Orthodox and Hasidic Jews during the engagement period.
All Pictures from onlysimchas.com; all glossary terms from Judaism 101, http://www.jewfaq.org/glossary.htm#B
[1] Rosh Hashanah: Literally, first of the year. The new year for the purpose of counting years,
[2] Yom Kippur: Literally, Day of Atonement. A day set aside for fasting, depriving oneself of pleasures, and repenting from the sins of the previous year, http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday4.htm.
[3] Sukkot: Literally, booths. One of the Shalosh R'galim (three pilgrimage festivals). A festival commemorating the wandering in the desert and the final harvest. Also known as the Feast of Tabernacles or the Festival of Ingathering, http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday5.htm.
[4] Pesach/Passover: Holiday commemorating the Exodus from Egypt. The holiday also marks the beginning of the harvest season. http://www.jewfaq.org/holidaya.htm
[5]Shavu'ot: Literally, weeks. One of the Shalosh R'galim (three pilgrimage festivals), a festival commemorating the giving of the Torah and the harvest of the first fruits.
[6] Bar Mitzvah: Literally: son of the commandment. A boy who has achieved the age of 13 and is consequently obligated to observe the commandments. Also, a ceremony marking the fact that a boy has achieved this age, http://www.jewfaq.org/barmitz.htm.
[7]Brit Milahor a bris:
Literally, covenant of circumcision. The ritual circumcision of a male Jewish child on the 8th day of his life or of a male convert to Judaism.http://www.jewfaq.org/birth.htm#Brit.
Comments
Um, I dunno what part of orthodox Brooklyn the author and her husband come from, but in my circles (not chasidic, but pretty trad - black hats, wigs, etc.), divorce is definitely considered worse than a "rboken engagement".
Hi Black-Hatted Sheep - thanks for your comment. Sorry I didn't qualify - I do it all the time, but perhaps should have done so again in this case. In the Orthodox/Hasidic communities, or in the border of those 2 groups which my family inhabits, broken engagement ARE considered worse than divorce. And again, I have no idea why, it makes no sense, right?
My husband is the black sheep of an ultra-Hasidic family from Williamsburg(spitzels, etc) and I'm from a fairly "normal" black-hat family originally from London, which is probably why we were paired off ("he's a little different, she's a little different - it's a match!). But while my husband ostensibly became more modern in marrying me, like I always say, you can take the Hasid out of Williamsburg, but you can't take Williamsburg out of the Hasid.
Glad to hear views on broken engagements are more rational in your neck of Orthodox Brooklyn! Thanks for reading my post - check back again next week.
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