What they didn't teach you in school: Jewish intimacy and pre-wed classes (part 5)

From the summer 2008 issue of Kallah Magazine:  Review of Ish v'Isha  by Rabbi Chaim Brown (Note this book is now available in an English translation under the title The Marriage Covenant.  While still not widely available in the US, it is sold online at www.levinejudaica.com/catalog/product_info.php.)

  Ish v’Isha is a well-written (in Hebrew) work of comprehensive scope by Rabbi Elyashiv Knohl, a Rebbe in Yeshivat Kibutz haDati as well as a Rav in Kfar Etzion. I cannot think of a better guide for the prospective groom or bride than this work. 

 There are many  handbooks that cover the technical halachos [laws] of taharas hamishpacha [family purity] , and there are a number of books that have appeared recently that discuss how to build a healthy marriage relationship to ensure shalom bayis [marital harmony].  Rav Knohl’s book bridges both of these worlds and covers other areas as well.  The sefer includes a detailed review of the laws of taharas hamishpacha, an extensive discussion of the emotional and psychological tools necessary to maintain a good relationship with one’s spouse, a discussion of the wedding ceremony and sheva brachos, and finally, a discussion of family planning and shana rishona [the first year of marriage].  Another feature  that distinguishes this work from  the standard handbooks is a guide to  martial intimacy in light of Torah and halacha that is included as a separately wrapped paperback.

 The first third of Rav Knohl’s sefer focuses on what the new groom and bride need to know about building a healthy relationship with his or her prospective spouse.  While his work is rooted in halacha and Torah sources, Rav Knohl is clearly aware of secular works and research that shed light on these issues.  Many works that seek to address the issue of disagreements in marriage either direct the wife to unquestioningly defer to her husband’s preferences, or advise the husband to buy his wife gifts to mollify her if she becomes upset and angry, without attempting to get to the root causes of disagreement.  Rav Knohl instead encourages the chassan and kallah to develop a healthy respect for each others’ differences and individuality while learning to live together harmoniously.  The greatest benefit to this section of the book is the practical realism which Rav Knohl brings to the discussion of marriage, raising issues which the chassan and kallah may only come to appreciate as they advance into married life. 

Even the most happily married couples will still run into conflict and their share of difficult moments.  The key to a good relationship is dealing with these moments are arriving at reconciliation and a return to mutual love and respect.  Rav Knohl provides helpful advice on issues like dealing with conflict when it arises, balancing independence from parents with the imperative of kibbud avv aem, [honoring parents]  managing areas like finances where disagreement tends to develop.  While there is no way to prevent the difficult patches that inevitably arise down the road, an awareness of these issues can be helpful in navigating those patches.

 The second section of Rav Knohl’s work is a comprehensive treatment of taharas hamishpacha.  There are a number of features that distinguish the approach in  Rav Knohl’s book.  Each chapter opens with background information that sets out the sources in Chazal for the laws being presented along with some discussion of why they were implemented.  In addition, for those who are interested in further background, there is a complete chapter dedicated to tracing the development of the halacha from the basic Torah law to our present day practice.  Rav Knohl avoids apologetics in explaining halacha, but that does not diminish his ability to convey an appreciation of the philosophy and beauty of observance to the reader.  An understanding of the development and rationale of these halachos makes one appreciate the sense behind the observance.  Along these same lines, Rav Knohl does not simply present the halacha, but addresses concerns the modern reader might have that would be a roadblock to appreciating halacha or proper observance throughout the book.

For example, in discussing the need to discuss certain private issues with a Rav, e.g. maros, Rav Knohl elaborates on how these questions can be posed in confidence of privacy. A Rav, like a doctor, expects questions in these areas and should maintain discretion.  For women who prefer to discuss issues with other women, Rav Knohl recommends the yoetzet hotline.  Another example is Rav Knohl’s treatment of the harchakos [behaviors that remind the couple that physical intimacy is prohibtd at the time].  Rather than sugar-coat these halachos as easy to fulfill if not for the reader’s frailty, Rav Knohl acknowledges that these areas may be difficult for the young couple, but stresses the greater emotional as spiritual good that results from keeping these halachos and which may only be apparent over time. 

 Unlike handbooks which often codify stringencies which go beyond the basic halachic requirements, increasing the challenge for a young couple, Rav Knohl emphasizes commonly held practice and basic requirements.  In areas where difficulties may arise, Rav Knohl makes the reader aware of possible leniencies which may be employed in consultation with a Rav.  By taking such an approach, Rav Knohl empowers the reader with the knowledge of issues that may arise, solutions that are available, and areas that may need discussion in advance with a Rav, to alleviate fear and concerns.  The presentation of these halachos is comprehensive and thorough, with great attention to practical detail and real-life situations.  Of course, no sefer can answer every question; every couple’s situation is unique, which is why Rav Knohl repeatedly stresses the need to have a competent Rav with whom one can consult in this areas.  In addition to the halachic material, there is a chapter devoted to the relevant biological facts.   

 The third section of the book deals with the actual wedding ceremony, the week of sheva brachos, and the first year of marriage.  This portion of the sefer does not go into the halachic depth and detail found in other sections, rather it offers  an overview simply to familiarize the chassan and kallah with the steps of the wedding ceremony and some of its halachic background.  A chapter is devoted to the important issues surrounding family planning.  Here, too, Rav Knohl explores the philosophical dimension of the importance of the Jewish family alongside a treatment of the halachic regulations.  As there is no one answer that fits all, a couple is encouraged to discuss their feelings with a Rav whom they feel will be sensitive to their concerns. 

 The halachos of taharas hamishpacha and the dynamic of the marriage relationship comprise some of the most private and personal areas of life which Torah addresses.  Writing and teaching these topics carries the risk of appearing overly intrusive or appearing to make too burdensome demands.  Ish v’Isha manages to avoid these pitfalls while at the same time remaining true to the integrity and authenticity of halacha.  The reader will undoubtedly gain a greater understanding and appreciation of halacha from this work as well as much practical advice that will help in the many years of marriage that lay ahead. 

For a review of another book, see www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m9d15-What-they-didnt-teach-you-in-school-Jewish-intimacy-

and-prewed-classes-part-4

For information on other books and online resources, see www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m9d9-What-they-didnt-teach-you-in-school--Jewish-intimacy-and-prewed-classes-part-1-part-2  and -part-3