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Examiner~y2009m8d18-Relationship-reality-check-part-one-of-two
Let’s look at the first choice. It is particularly likely to happen if you’ve had a bad day and were stuck in a traffic jam coming home then found that your burned dinner and had to look forward to scrubbing a blackened pot and eating cereal for supper. As misadventure piles on disaster, any small thing may set you off. It’s not likely that the socks alone would get you so upset, but they can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Your husband may understand that his lack of consideration is especially aggravating when you’re feeling so harassed.
He may quietly pick up his socks and promise to do so in the future without being reminded. Maybe he’ll even offer to take you out to dinner (or at least bring in a pizza) to cheer you up. That would be quite nice, but not very likely. It is a rare husband indeed who would be able to put his own hurt reaction to your screaming aside and calmly analyze the real cause of your frustration. It is most probable that he won’t get the whole picture. Then he may take the offensive in his own defense, accusing you of blowing things way out of proportion for getting so upset over a pretty small oversight. So your own explosion may backfire on you.
The second choice is very appealing to intellectual types who pride themselves on penetrating beyond the surface of things. However, just as a cigar may be only a cigar and not signify anything beyond itself, so too, a sock may not signify something more. While neatness may count, its lack should not be assumed to belie antagonism. The Oscar types do not intend to annoy the Felix Ungars of the world with their sloppiness; they are merely being themselves (if you don’t get the reference, talk to someone who has seen sitcoms of the sixties). Neatness is not second nature to all, and so you should not assume its lack to be a manifestation of negative feelings. By doing so, you are the one who engenders the negative feelings. Talk to your husband to work out a solution together. Perhaps a basketball shaped hamper would inspire him to slam dunk his socks rather than leaving them on the floor, but ask him about it first. You have to find a way to accommodate to different styles, but that does not necessarily mean giving in.
That brings us to the third choice. This is the choice that some marriage guides would direct you to take. A good wife takes care of her husband and doesn’t nag is the reasoning behind that position. While there is some logic to stepping in to do what you want done, you also have to consider the long term effects of this choice. If you automatically clean up after your husband, do not expect any accolades for being long-suffering. Your husband will not have a chance to realize that you really wish he would put the socks in their place himself, and he is not likely to say, “Honey, I really appreciate the fact that you pick up my socks, allowing me to just throw them down.”
Over time, the fact that you find yourself doing this extra thankless task on top of all the others can cause your resentment to simmer, especially as you come to realize that people who make themselves into dishrags do not endear themselves to others. So while at first blush, giving in seems the best approach to maintaining shalom bayis, you keep your negative feelings and do nothing to inspire change. Such a status quo is not conducive to maintaining a harmonious relationship.
That leaves us with choice number 4. “Ahah,” you must be thinking, “this has to be the answer.” (After all, no other choices are left.) Actually, this choice is not the only workable course of action, but it does demonstrate a healthy approach to such problems. The advantage of the last approach is that you do not explode, you do not over-analyze, and you do not make yourself feel demoralized. Instead, you use a touch of humor to bring the problem to your husband’s attention. Finding the socks under his pillow will remind him that he did not put them in their proper place and that you noticed but did not want to nag him about it.
Be warned, though. You have to take into account if you husband suffers from a sense of humor deficiency or has his own peculiar notions about neatness; he may be annoyed to find laundry in his bed. You do not wish to annoy him, only to get his attention without resorting to an emotional outburst. You should also not jumpt the gun on this. The first step for an annoyance of this sort is to speak to him about it. If he seems to forget your discussion, then you should take action. Actions do speak louder than words, but do be available to talk. Communication is, after all, key to a harmonious marriage, or, as we say in Hebrew, shalom bayis.
For more articles on marriage advice, see www.kallahmagazine.com/ShalomBayis.html
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