Popping the Questions

 Certainly everyone know what the question  singular is that usually follows the word “popping.”  But there are far more questions that precede it.  In fact, in the shidduch system [dates arranged by a matchmaker who may be doing it professionally or just as a friend] , a whole inventory of questions are listed  in an effort to gather as much information as possible before even meeting.  Where did he go to yeshiva?  Where did she go for camp?  How long have they lived in that neighborhood?  What shul [synagogue] do they go to?  From the general to the absurdly specific,  everyone has a list of questions. Nevertheless, no information sources can provide all the answers to what another individual is all about.  There are some points that couples on the verge on engagement should bring out into the open before taking the plunge to avoid possible disappointments and frustrations further on in the relationship.  That is not to say that there are easy answers for all of them.  However, bringing the issues into the open will clarify, at least, if both of you are on the same page.  Key issues include health, life goals, finances, household, leisure, and family.

Do one of you have a chronic condition?  Does it require drugs or monitoring?

Do you have adequate health insurance coverage?

Did you check for genetic compatibility? (Jews of Ashkenazic descent could be carriers for certain conditions, like Tay Sachs, that would prove fatal to children.  The condition only appears if both parents are carriers.  Consequently, many opt for a blood test to rule out that possibility before proceeding in a relationship.)

Life goals:

If you just won 25 million dollars, what would you do?  Assuming that you don

t win the lottery, what is you plan to balance your life goals with your household/financial obligations?

What do you want to be doing in the next year, five years from now and further down the road?  What will you consider your main accomplishment in life?

 Are you both planning on working full time?  Don’t take it for granted that your spouse’s expectations are the same as yours with respect career aspirations or the hours you expect to work.  Should the need arise, is your work situation flexible enough to allow for time off or a reduced load?

Should one’s studies or job require relocation, is the spouse willing and able to move? 

 
Financial

Issues:

Are you a saver marrying a spender?  You may balance each other out, or you may find yourself constantly clashing over what to do with your money. But be aware that if you are both spenders, there will be natural check on impulse spending.  On the other hand, if you are both savers, you may find yourselves in the situation of  all work and no play make a rather dull life. 

Will your household income completely cover your expenditures?  If not, how will you make up the shortfall?  If you expect parental contributions, do they agree to the amount and the duration you envision?

 Do you have a backup plan should outside support not be forthcoming?

 What are your expectations for involvement in financial plans and duties?  Will the task of paying the bills and depositing checks fall on one of you? Will you take a hands-on approach to all accounting and investment decisions or withdraw and hire people for that?

Household:

As houses don’t clean themselves and refrigerators do no replenish themselves, alas, what is your plan for getting these daily tasks done?

Is one of you going to be solely responsible for all that is entailed in procuring meals from grocery shopping to cooking to washing up, or do you plan to divide these chores between you?  

Do you agree to hire outside help for cleaning? Does your budget allow for it?

Leisure:

Describe your ideal vacation.  Did you come up with similar scenarios?  Do you enjoy the same leisure time pursuits?  Do you expect to share them all or to pursue some interests separately?  How often do you expect to go out for entertainment? 

Do you have the same perspective on society?  Do you respect and accept each other’s friends?  Do you agree on the frequency of socializing and having guests over?

Do you plan on having a television in the bedroom?  This question is a general one, but  for an Orthodox Jewish couples there are siginificant  implications for one’s values, priorities, and stance.

Family:

What is your picture of marriage?  This is often very much influenced by the one set by parents.

If you are living close to one or both set of parents, are they prepared to give you your own space?  Do you have a plan to deal with too much parental involvement in your new household?  Can you agree on ground rules for handling in-laws?

When your household grows, is there an expectation that the mother be home full time?  If so,  for how long?   Do you agree on how childcare is to be managed? 

Just because you get along well with someone, do not assume that you will be compatible in all areas.  That does not mean you have to break things off, but you should go in with your eyes open.