Expressing your thanks
After the wedding, you must give credit where credit is due. Here are the answers to the burning questions: Whom must you thank? What form is correct? How much time is allowed to send out the notes? How can you manage to get it done correctly and on time?
Whom
Everyone who gives you a wedding gift – even something that is utterly not to your taste – should receive a handwritten “Thank you” note in the mail. That is traditional, postage paid mail. Emails, while efficient, do not meet the standard of formality required for this piece of etiquette. It is also proper to thank people for services, such as organizing showers, Sheva Brachos, etc. with a note.
What to say
When writing your notes, you should strive to vary your expression with specific references and personalized details. You don’t always write “Thank you for your gift.” If the gift was monetary, you can refer to the gift as considerate, generous, or kind. If the giver expressed the wish that buy something particular with the money given, it would be thoughtful of you to add: “We used your gift to buy a lovely ….that we use every week.” You should not write what one couple I know of did: “unnecessary.” Yes, their intention was to indicate that the giver was not under the necessity of giving the money; however, there are negative connotations to the phrase that imply they did not need and so do not appreciate the gift. If the gift was not monetary, you should name exactly what it was with an appropriate adjective.
Remember: you vocabulary should not be limited to the word “nice.” Here are some words to consider including in your “Thank you”: beautiful, considerate, delightful, elegant, exactly right, excellent, fabulous, gorgeous, inviting, lovely, perfect, sweet, thoughtful, useful, wonderful, or use the phrase “reflection of your admirable/good/refined taste.” To show more personalization, add a sentence about your use of the object. For example, “Thank you for the beautifully designed challah cover. It is exactly what we needed for our Shabbos table.”
When
While two weeks are recommended by some as the ideal time frame in which to mail out all the “Thank you” notes, that simply is not realistic for most people. If your wedding guest list numbers in the hundreds, and you don’t have a personal secretary, and you do have work,/school/other obligations outside of writing “Thank you” notes, then you are not likely to get them all mailed just one week after the end of Sheva Brachos. Does that make you guilty of a breach of etiquette? Happily, the answer is no. According to most etiquette experts, you may take up to three months to complete the task. Even that more generous span of time can be too short, though, if your have hundreds of notes to write while juggling other responsibilities. So what do you do if you find it just too overwhelming?
(Find the answer in part 2)
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