I received an email asking me about “engagement rituals.” The fact is that for most Jewish brides today the engagement is not a Jewish ritual in the traditional sense. The tanaim [contract for engagement with stipulated penalties for breaking it] is only signed at the wedding hall shortly before the chuppah. See www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m10d21-Aspects-of-the-Jewish-wedding--greeting-the-bride-and-groom-separately (The groups of Hasidim who do official tnaim at the time of engagement are the exception rather than the general rule for Orthodox Jews.) The kiddushin, which constitutes the betrothal according to Jewish law, only takes place under the chuppah itself just before the nesuin, the actual marriage (see The betrothal and the ring. Though the diamond district business in New York thrives on people accepting the De Beers advertising campaign (see Diamond engagement ring history ) as absolute truth, a diamond ring is not required by Jewish tradition at all. That is fact, but practice is sometimes another matter.
Just like many nubile girls, Jewish ones project onto the diamond ring a lot more importance than the fused carbon carries on its own. And so a man who does not offer his intended a diamond ring would be considered coming short of set standards. I want to stress again that these set standards are a matter of common American practice stemming from the 20th Century, rather than the Jewish tradition of thousands of years, though. Most Jewish brides take pride in their diamond rings and bracelets. Bracelets, where did that come from?
Honestly, I don’t know the origin of the practice of giving a bracelet for the engagement, but I can describe it. Some time around 15 years ago or so, the practice evolved in Orthodox Jewish circles of declaring one’s engagement first with a bracelet of gold adorned with diamonds to be followed by the diamond ring. I imagine the idea was to get some significant piece of jewelry immediately to show one’s engaged state. A ring often is picked out by the couple together, and sometimes it takes a while to get it in the setting of choice in the bride’s size. A bracelet, on the other hand, does not require sizing and so can just be picked up on the spot. In any case, most girls today will expect to get the bracelet in time for the L’chayim to have something glittery to show.
Of course everyone is familiar with the term “L’chayim” as the traditional toast, “to life.” It is also the term used to refer to the open house style party used to announce the engagement and allow family and friends to meet the young couple and extend their good wishes of “mazel tov.” When there is a gap of time between the event and the engagement, it is customary to call people to share the news. Typically, the parents of the couple already have an inkling of the engagement. But they would still be the first to be informed by the bride and groom-to-be that it is “official.” The parents call their parents, siblings, other close relatives, neighbors, friends, etc., while the new couple contacts their friends. These days, when everyone has his/her own cell phone, the calls need not be delayed while another is on the land lien. More distant friends and relatives may be informed later, but those who are closer would expect a call no later than the first 24 hours. Who should be included on one’s lis
t of calls? Consider the fact that people always say at occasions of mourning that they hope to meet in future only for simchas [happy occasions]. So if the person would be contacted about a funeral in the family, s/he should also be contacted about a simcha celebration. Informing everyone equally by a mass email is acceptable only for friends that are only so in the Facebook sense.
Depending on the people and the circumstances, the L’chayim may take place the very day or evening they get engaged or put off to a more convenient day. (Sometimes they are even planned as surprise parties for the bride, but I seriously recommend against that see http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m7d28-Your-engagement-would-you-like-to-be-the-last-to-know) For example, a neighbor of mine just got engaged on a Thursday evening and held the L’chayim the following Sunday. Generally, though, L’chayims are not delayed more than a week because they are intended to be more impromptu affairs at which just dessert and drinks are served. People are told a span of time of about 3 hours during which they can drop in for a short while. Those who want something more formal plan ahead for what is called a vort, which will be explained in Engagement-Practices-part-2-Putting--on-the-Ritz Also see Engagement-Practices-part-3-the-gift-script
For an index of wedding planning articles, click WeddingAdvice Also see Engagement Advice
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