Linda Goldman, MS, LCPC, FT spoke at the 12th annual central Ohio conference on grief yesterday. Her presentation was titled: ‘Helping Children with Grief and Trauma in Today’s World’. The presentation, an all-day workshop was sponsored by Schoedinger Funeral and Cremation Service, Berger Hospice, HomeReach Hospice, Hospice of Central Ohio, Nationwide Children’s Hospital and Hospice, Midwest Center for Home, Hospice and Palliative Care Education, The Mount Carmel Hospice and Zusman Community Hospice. [See previous post 1 and post 2 on spirituality and children]
The workshop is relevant to us all because we’re all asking the question, ‘What’s the Matter with Kids today?’ following the suicide of the girl who was bullied, school shootings, media coverage of national disasters, the war in Afghanistan (and Iraq)- many kids have soldier parents, and children murdering children. Her visuals listed: ‘drugs, death, abuse, AIDS, divorce, unemployment, homelessness, illness, terrorism, violence, pollution, global warming!’ By the end of their teens 20% will experience death of a parent/important family member; 50% divorce and/or 4 or more moves. 
All those children will become adults and among adults, many have unresolved grief which manifests in several ways: higher rates of anxiety and depression, withdrawal, lower self esteem, less hope for the future, panic disorders, inability to concentrate, greater distractability, increased hyperactivity, impulsivity, changes in routines and habits in response to losses, and even suicide ideation.
The grief counselor needs to recognize and facilitate release so the child doesn’t carry behavioral issues into adulthood and can become a resilient member of society. [Ask yourself about your own childhood losses.] [photo by Miika Silfverberg, Vantaa, Finland Wikimedia Creative Commons license]
Goldman outlined 7 typical losses in childhood: relationships (death, absence, unavailability, divorce); environment (moving, separation, national disaster); external objects (toys, robbery, personal effects, misplaced special items); self (physical part of body, deprivation/neglect, or physical/sexual/emotional abuse); changed daily routine/habits; skills & abilities (held back, overweight, not chosen for sports team, ADHD); and economic loss (lifestyle, parent’s anxiety over job loss, property & savings).
Her statistics show kids witness 18,000 deaths on TV by age 14; nearly 1/3 of girls and 1/7th of boys are sexually abused; 3.3 million children witness domestic violence, anywhere between 10 and 20% of youth are gay, 2 million children get social security benefits for a deceased parent and in ’08 2000 children lost a parent in Iraq- this coupled with an increase in social violence and bullying.
The best policy in talking about a death or trauma is truth. It’s important to give them the opportunity to say goodbye and allow them to actively commemorate the loss- even symbolically. They should be encouraged to express feelings and the parent/advocate can give them the gift of listening. There are many myths of grief; perhaps you’ve heard these: ‘you’ll get over it’; ‘too young to understand’; ‘crying won’t help’; ‘time to move on’; ‘be strong for mom’; ‘you’re the ‘man of the house now’’. Another myth is that kids are better off if they don’t attend funerals.
The four psychological tasks of grief work include: understanding, grieving, commemorating and going on. Goldman cited dozens of books projects, websites and resources for the nursing, social work, educational, legal and religious professionals who were gathered for the event. Some religious clichés like: ‘it’s God’s will’; ‘God took so and so because he/she was so good’; ‘he/she will watch over you from heaven’ raise questions like: ‘Why did God kill my mother?’ Handling the spiritual questions wrong can cause children to lose trust and faith. It’s imperative that adults be honest and give age appropriate answers- ‘we don’t know all the answers’, or be direct, ‘death is when the body stops working- very old, very sick, can’t fix it anymore’.
Local Events:
Enjoy the music of Bach and sacred choral music 4:45 pm St. Luke’s Church, Granville. April 25th.
Hear Solafide at 7pm at Church of the Saviour United Methodist, Westerville. April 25th.
Meditation for this Post:
Take your own test using Goldman’s childhood loss inventory: 'What was/were your childhood loss/ess? Who told you? Were you allowed to grieve? Did you participate in funeral/memorial service or other commemoration? How do you feel about the loss now? Are you still grieving? Is there something you feel badly (regret) about? What do you wish adults would have done?' [See earlier post on spirituality and gratitude-gratitude rituals]
Copyright 2010, Patricia A. Rodemann
Twitter: awesomejourney
Raising our Children to be Resilient (Helping Children cope with Trauma)
Breaking the Silence (complicated grief-suicide, homicide, violence, abuse, AIDS)
Life and Loss (Guide to Help Grieving Children)
Children Also Grieve (talking about death and healing)- for kids
Her website: www.childrensgrief.net
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